Selfish rant :-(

[joanne84]

My boyfriend who ive been with for 3 years has just got a new full time job...pretty much meaning i'll never get to see him! We both still live with our parents and cant afford to live together because i'm still at college full time and only work weekends. Then when i mentioned that we can still see eachother friday or saturday night he said he'll be spending ALL of his free time with his son (from a previous relationship)...meaning he'll have him all weekend and for tea 3-4 times a week! god i know this sounds terrible but i feel reeealy left out and kind of 'dropped'...i understand his son comes first but he didnt even try to make some kind of arrangement to see me...sob sob! I'm used to seeing him EVERY evening and at least one night at weekend! What am i gonna do sob sob :-(

[B00]

Sorry to say this but yes, you do sound terribly selfish!

Of course he'll want to spend his spare time with his son, it's up to you as a supposed adult to fit yourself into his new routine.

Why can't you see him in the evenings? Why can't you spend time with him AND his son?

[Sasha13]

Sorry B00 but I don't necessarily agree.

To go from seeing someone every evening to potentially hardly at all is a big thing.

Joanne, if I were you I'd be trying to work out if there was something else the matter - speak to him unemotionally - don't nag, say you understand that he wants to spend lots of time with his son (which hopefully you do) and say you're not sure where you fit in with his plans.

3 years is a long time to be with someone for them to change direction so suddenly and hopefully you are close enough to him to discuss it.

Lots of luck.

[4getmenot]

not necessarily selfish, but you have to understand he will put his child first. But I can see how you'd be extremely gutted as you wont get to see him at all. But I do agree with BOO on the why cant you spend time with him when he sees his son if he really wants you to be part of his life

[skyep]

Hi joanne - How was your relationship before he got his new job? Had he been more cool to you before the new job? Have you been having any rows? Sorry, I am just wondering if he is as serious about you than you are about him? Is he trying to break off your relationship, if he is there would normally be warning signs xx

[B00]

No worries sasha


scribbles her name off the Crimble card list

;-)

[Octavius]

Not to sound like a doomsayer, but if he has stated that he will be spending ALL his free time with his son, then doesn�t that indicate that he is maybe trying to tell you something?

Rather than throw a strop over it and play tit-for-tat attention games between you and his son, why not try to work out a compromise, make some suggestions on how to make it work. If all this fails, then perhaps you need to reassess your import in his life and what if any future there is.

[Sasha13]

LOL at B00!!!


skyep and Octavius have echoed my concerns - I think something else must be going on for a boyfriend of 3 years to suddenly do an about turn this big.

[joanne84]

Thanks sooo much for your opinions....it would be very difficult to spend time with him and his son at weekends because my boyfriend still lives at home with his parents and his son sleeps in the bedroom with him. As for evenings he will be finishing work at 5, going gym, then picking his son up for tea! I love spending time with the both of them and love his son to bits but going right back to the selfishness issue i want 'us' time!!
Skyep...our relationship is fantastic at the moment (i think haha) which is why i'm a little gutted! Looking through the answers though i am a bit concerned now, he wouldnt usually make a comment as blunt as 'spending ALL his free time with his son'.. I would love to talk to him about the situation but i'm terrified it will come out wrong and sound like i'm jealous of his son or something.....very confused now!?!?! xxxxx

[river]

Adapt...come girlie survival of the fittest and what with us being females you'll get through it just fine!

Just lay back a bit let him realise how much he misses you and he'll soon change his arrangements...such a simple mind males have tell them they cant have something and they'll want it...i.e. you!

Be strong chick

[joanne84]

p.s to make matters worse i dont really get on well with my boyfriends parents :-( so joining my boyfriend and his son for tea wouldnt be the ideal situation either xx

[joanne84]

Awwww bless thanks so much river...a few words of encouragement is just what i needed haha thanks xx :D

[skyep]

Hi Joanne,
If like you say your relationship is good, then may be his mind and energy are focused on this new job and his son, he may feel it's going to be complicated fitting everyones needs in at this point in time, give him some time on his own to adjust to his new routine. Sometimes when people are overloaded with demands, we will say things that just come of the tongue as a way of release. Give him time, let him contact you, no pressure. I think when he settles in to a new routine, things may be different, but he will still want to see you. In the mean time, go and do the things you need to do that may be you didn't have time for before! Take care xx

[skyep]

skyep xx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?vaNopQq5lWqQ&rel=1

turn turn turn

[mother2120]

sorry joanne84 but it sounds like he is trying to dump you and just want say it outloud and no it isnt selfish to want to spend time with someone your use to being with all the time but you do have to understand he will put his child first.. even though you should not be totaly removed just ask him if you 3 can do something ( plan a bbq or park event anything) and if he refuses you have your answer. sorry

[Petal~flower]

joanne, I don't think you are being selfish at all. He is!!

Yes I agree his child is very important to him, and he wants to spend time with him. But you are important too. After spending 3 years of your life with him, he should want to include you too, when he is seeing his son. OK, maybe not everynight, but if you have a future together, then surely his son should be seeing you and his dad together as a couple. And not just his dad by himself and his grandparents.

Hope things work out OK for you xx