Calling All MEN? Real Men!!!

[ftj001]

Serious Situation,

My husband and I met in high school almost 14 years ago. We have beed married for 6 1/2 years and we have 3 beautiful children together. I found out that my husband cheated on me last May and i have not been coping well with the situation. He didn't tell this women he was married and had a relationship on the side for almost a year. Will a man cheat or continue to cheat if he is in love? I don't think its possible. Now I think I'm falling out of love with him because of what he did.

[Postdog]

Personally, I would never cheat if I loved the person I was with. This is not just talk, as more than once I have had the opportunity to do so. It was only when I became less happy about being with them (for whatever reason) that I wasn't so fussy about my morals.

[jake-the-peg]

Sounds to me as if you got together early without a lot of previous experience of other relationships.

Not much "wild oat" sowing? At a guess your husband's feeling that he missed out a stage of his life. Not uncommon when children are young and taking a lot of attention.

Sometimes people stray once and never again but I suspect that unless he really feels that he's got it out of his system he's likely to again.

I don't think it has much to do with whether or not he loves you (he may well still do so, you ought to be able to tell) but more to do with feelings of getting older and missing out.

Not that that helps you with your decision of course

[ftj001]

I can't tell if he does anymore. I know he loves me but I can"t tell if he is still in love with me. Maybe thats why I feel the way I do. He has been so deceptive that I don't know whether to believe him or not.

[Mikel.L]

It is a sad fact people fall out of love every day. If someone can go off with someone else i'm sorry to say he can't love you. You having doubts says it all for me, get out now.

[jake-the-peg]

I'm not so sure that loving someone and being "in love" with them is that distinctive.

The nature of these emotions always changes with time, we don't have the same relationship that we did on honeymoon any of us!

I always think there are too many people who have a knee jerk response to call it a day the moment the word "infidelity" comes up.

It's a much easier decision if you've been married for a year with no kids that it is after 6 with 3 - I'm sure you're all too aware of that!

the thing is it's more common than you think - It's believed that 60% of men and 40% of women are unfaithful at some point (that's the US but I doubt we're far behind).

You tend not to hear about those who work through it and save their marriages because they tend not to want to talk about it.

If you *both* want to - or are at least open to the idea of saving your marriage you probably can - get some professional advise from someone like relate.

However if one or both of you isn't really interested in trying then there's probably not much you can do and you'd be better trying to get it over with as little fuss as possible.

I suggest you sit down and think really hard about where you want to be in a years time - with him patching it up or a single mother.

Those sound like the options to me

[Mr k]

If he loved you he would never of cheated on you and the trust has gone. As he has lied in the past how can you ever believe what he has to say in the future. If your having doubts get out now..

[unhappychick]

I dont think you are falling out of love with him, the fact that this is bothering you shows that you care, I think you are deeply hurt as anyone would be, and are maybe losing respect for your husband rather than fallin out of love with him....by the sounds of it, you havent asked a lot of questions that need answering, like, why he felt the need to do it, as you have 3 young children, as a mum I know they can take up a lot of time what with the housework and all, and sometimes men can feel pushed/left out....maybe you need to think this through and ask yourself things like, how was your sex life at the time of the affair, could you have made more of an effort etc? I know I may sound harsh, but sometimes the answer lies within ourselves, and as hard as it is to accept it, the only thing we can do, is face it and try and change things...im not saying its you, but it could be a possibility, you really need to talk this though with him, ask him all what you need to know and take it from there, the fact that he has stayed with you says a lot...he wants to be with his wife and kids! Dont be hard on yourself and please ask him the questions you need answers to, at the end of the day if your not communicating your only jumping to conclusions in your own mind which is not good! talk this through, im sure you can both work this out and build on where it went wrong, I really hope it works out for you -x-

[ftj001]

Thanks for you advice, but i wish it was that simple. Should check out my other question: Is it safe to say my marriage is over? and you will see. I tried so many times and asked him Do you think I don't love you? as for our sex life, people use to call us rabbits. When he stopped having sex with me, thats when I new something was wrong. Its been a year and I still ask him if I did anything to cause this and he always says that I did nothing wrong and I did nothing to deserve this.

The humiliating part about it is thats what people automatically think, that there must have been something wrong in the relationship. I have no other choice but to agree even though I know we had a good relationship. Everything wasn't roses but for the most part I can say that I was happy even with his faults, but I guess he wasn't happy with mine.

[jake-the-peg]

I could go over what I said before but there's not much point.

Why don't you call relate and talk to one of their councillors

http://www.relate.org.uk/RelateFAQs.asp?cat=16

They charge �40 for an hour that covers their costs and if you're about to make a decision this big that's going to affect your life and that of your children it sounds as if you'd be foolish not to.

If nothing else it'll leave you feeling that you did you best and didn't just chuck in the towel without trying

[unhappychick]

Ok, ive read your other post and can see where your coming from, can understand your anger and outbursts completely.....do not understand why your husband done it, only he knows the real answer to that.....I wouldnt worry yourself about what she looks like etc, I can imagine you would love to know, but really its unimportant, you need to find out why he felt the need to do what he did, thats the main question here.....you are pulling yourself to peices over it and you are not being fair to yourself, you are obviously a good wife, mother etc and you should hold your head up high in the knowledge of that and that you have done nothing wrong, dont pull yourself apart! what makes you think he may still be seeing her and if you dont mind me asking, how did you find out about the affair and how did he tell you it was over, cos I cant really answer much more until I know! -x-

[jake-the-peg]

Sorry, hadn't seen your first post.

If you still feel the way that you did there, where you clearly didn't want to rescue the marriage then I'd say that you just need to come to that decision and take action based on it.

You seem to be torturing yourself on the why's and the sooner you start a divorce running the sooner you'll be able to draw a line under your life and start again.

For what it's worth I doubt it's anything about you. It sounds to me like a classic case of someone who married early and came to feel that he'd missed out.

I suspect he'd have behaved the same whoever he'd have married.

Most of all you need to make a decision and take some action, get back in control.

[ftj001]

unhappychick,

He was just giving all the signs of a cheating man. He was different, who would make up excuses of why he didn't want to have sex, he would stay out late and he stopped spending time with me period while I was at home taking care of the kids. He also stopped telling me how pretty I was which was something he said often. I checked his phone one morning and thought it unusual for his friend Larry to be sending him a text messege so early in the morning. I couldn"t get into his phone because it was on security. I called the number that was displayed and her answering machine came on.

I didn't ask him right away, but some how we ended u in an argurement and i told him u have a text messege from Larry and he went off he started shaking and wouldn't show me the messege.I kept asking him baby are u cheating on me. He finally confessed after staring at me down for 45 minutes. I asked every question all the way down to Do you love her? But found out later that alot of the questions I asked were not so truthful.

[unhappychick]

hmm, this is a difficult situation, im completely with you on how you feel! Its a tough one, you either have one of 2 options, you ask him to lay all his cards on the table and be honest with you about it all, even look through his phone on a regular basis, im not being funny he needs to earn your trust back again, and if he loves you and isnt up to anything this should not be a problem!!! ask him all the things you want to know and demand some answers, if he doesnt tell you the truth or tells you half truths, I think that would be it for me and I would get a divorce. Your 2nd option is to try your best to believe in what he is telling you and let it be, you cant continue as you are, its no good for anybody, most importantly you, you have to make some firm decisions and stick to them, its very hard being a single parent, the hardest thing you will ever have to do, trust me, if you can save your marraige I would do so, good luck -x-

[ftj001]

You are so right and I'm seriously thinking of leaning more towards just not asking anymore questions. Go into this thing with my eys wide open and not allow myself to become head over heals with this man until he has really proven and earned the trust. I don't think I'm gonna say anything anymore about the affair. I have to constantly tell myself "Don't Feel". If I do that I won't get hurt again by him. We had sex last night and thats what I kept saying to my self "Don't Feel" and u will be ok.

Sounds like a bad way to be, but until I can fully get over it this is what I have to do.

[ftj001]

He also just called me while I was at work and told me how much fun he had last night and usually I would have been so excited by his phone call. I wasn't . I just took in what he said and that was it. I'm just gonna try to have as much fun as I can with my friends and my children. If he wants to be around for the fun fine! I'm really attatched I think and because we got together so young its kinda hard to let go. But if its trully meant to be it will and if not, time will surely tell.

[unhappychick]

Glad to be of some help! I appreciate all what your saying, and the fact your hubby rung you up today, is saying to me he is trying, im not saying it was an act, not at all, but he is trying to prove in small ways that you are the one, the one for him, just bear in mind, its you that hes coming home to every night, and accept his compliments and believe them, its the only way your gonna feel good about yourself and overcome this whole sorry scenario, im glad that you have decided to leave it be, it sounded as if you were pulling your hair out, and its not nice to feel like that....your doing the right thing you know, keeping the family together, its the best for all of you, you sound like a lovely woman, you just have to believe it!!! -x-

[ftj001]

Thanks that makes me feel really good. Now I just have to find things to do to keep from dwelling on it.

[unhappychick]

You should try swimming, keeping fit etc, it works a treat, I remember once being really irate, I went swimming on my own and really pushed myself and come out feeling a different woman...it works! -x-