Coping with bereavement

[spotit3]

Can anyone give me any help or advice on coping with the loss of my husband. I jsut want to cry all the time and seem to be getting worse instead of better as time goes on. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

[Octavius]

How long has it been since he passed away?

[spotit3]

Four months

[HJT40]

Spotit, firstly I am so sorry for your loss.

I can't say that I know what you are going through, but I can speak from losing my Mum. I went through a period of missing her dreadfully, days I know she would have loved, the weather, flowers, etc and days she would have not liked, you remember these things and it made me sad / angry that she wasn't here to see it. As the "firsts" go by it does get easier. Sometimes you may find that you are laughing at things you know he would do or say. He may not be here in body, but he is here in your heart. You must grieve and get the hurt and all the feelings out about him leaving you.

But above all remember not to be fightened of forgetting him, you will never do that.

It is a case of getting used to someone not being there. After a while the pain eases. I personally think my mum is stilll about, but like the verse says, just in a different room, always in a different room.

Good luck and loads of love.

[Octavius]

I�m sorry to hear that.

The fact that it is becoming worse could be viewed as a positive sign since it really is a conscious acceptance that this tragedy has happened to you. Your body's natural coping strategy is coming to terms with the loss and realisation of that loss. It may well be that last hurdle of acceptance that you are experiencing.

Some people can bottle up their feelings for years and years, but this doesn�t help our natural in-built coping mechanism, and in most cases the bottle comes unstuck and many years after the event can prove devastating when the realisation hits home.

It is still relatively early days and you will find some days worse than others of course, one way of coping with the loss is to talk about it to someone close, or even a stranger if that helps (bereavement counsellor etc). Whilst you may think that constant reminders hurt, they can also be uplifting, especially if you focus on the good and special moments you shared. Look upon them with the happy recollection of how you both felt at that time, rather than how you feel now.

Another way of coping is to imagine what your partner would be saying to you if they could talk to you now. Would they be telling you not to worry, or to go out with Doris to the bingo, or generally just to do things that make you happy? I don�t really know about you and yours, but various things work for different people.

One thing about losing a loved one is that you never get over it, you just learn slowly and gradually to accept and cope with the loss. In time it becomes easier.

If you feel alone and need support, try http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/index.h tml

[Hellyon]

I'm sorry for your loss spotit3 -
There are stages of bereavement and they say that you need to work your way through all of them, this may happen quite quickly as in the case of an acquantaince or maybe an elderly grandparent or may take some time as in your case. There is no prescribed timescale for each stage and you may get 'stuck' on one. I have never lost a husband but I did lose a boyfriend suddenly in an accident and I can recognise now (25 years on) that I did indeed go through each of these stages.
This BUPA page explains the process really well and I suspect the reason you feel worse is you are moving in to the next stage.
http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/mosby_facts heets/Bereavement.html

The other advice you have been given here is also good.
I found the hardest thing was I wanted to talk but after a while I felt I couldn't keep 'going on' to my friends and at that point I felt very lonely - for the most part they are a sympathetic bunch on AB and there is usually someone who will listen so don't be afraid to use AB when you are feeling low.

Big hug to you sweetie (((((((((x)))))))))

[ethandron]

you just cry as much as you need to, it's healthy and it's healing. bereavement takes as long as it takes, and whatever form it takes, there's no right and wrong about it, it's whatever is right for the inividual. years ago, a friend of mine had the need to visit her late husband's grave every day, rain or shine, for a long, long time, more than a year after his death. other friends said it wasn't healthy and that she should stop going and try to move on. she did eventually stop, but in her own time when she was ready.
it's a very trite saying, but very true - time heals. and it really does, even though you may not think so right now. one day you'll be able to think about your husband and remember the good times and smile. best wishes.

[spotit3]

Thanks to everyone for all your helpful answers. The very fact that strangers have taken time to reply to me has lightened my load somewhat.

[raysparx1]

Hi spotit, so very sorry to hear about your sad loss, some really good advice been given, I have no wise words to ease the pain for wish I did, life is so hard sometimes, when you are in that tunnel without any light or even hope of light it is hard to see before you, but as you gradually get used to the dark the light will suddenly start to shine through at the end of the tunnel and gradually you will see out the other end and instead of tears you will be abl e to smile at the things you did with your hubby,
untill that time, cry as much as you need to, never bottle it up, talk to people about him, some will avoid you because they don't know what to say to you they aren't being horrible, they just can't find the right words to say.

it is such a short time since it happened the realisation has just really set in, the nights are long, you have got to go through this process before you will feel a little better, wish you the strength to keep walking towards the sun, take care and look after yourself, Ray xx

[burbie]

Im very sorry about the loss of your husband. It is an awful thing to cope with.
I found getting through the first year was the worst, because you have all the birthdays, anniversaries, christmas, new year etc to get through.
Cry if you need to, dont hold it inwards, we all do it. Most people put on a front when asked how they are, and say they are ok, but its different when you are on your own at home.
It does get easier as time passes, but four months is a very short time and you are still in shock from the bereavment of someone very close to you.
Dont expect too much of yourself, it takes time. Lots of time.

[mackak17]

hello

this post has also helped me my dad passed away 3 years, and still everyday i cry, it does get easier as time goes on not much but it does, and when u start to think about the happy memories and all the times u laughed together it does help, its good to cry and let it all out