I had an abortion

[karmgirl]

nearly 3 years ago. I constantly think about it and am sad still about it. The thing that worries me most is not being able to ever have a baby? Or what if I can't have a baby because I don't find a partner?

Those are the two things that really worry me. Anyone else in the same boat.

I got pregnant at 18 and bf didnt want it and I couldn't provide a roof, food, money etc on my own. even the job centre said u shouldn't get pregnant just to get benefits but I wasn't trying to get pregnant for a council house or benefits it was just a mistake and so I had an abortion

[ansme]

You did what was right for you at the time you cant change that.

If you had of had the baby where you would be now? You already said you didn't have the money to provide for it, for all you know it might have ended up with social services...how bad would you be feeling then?

You might be regreting not having the baby but you cant change the past and everything happens for a reason.

You clearly weren't in the position to have a child at the time and so you made the right decision, the decision that was right for you and your boyfriend at the time. Dont look back and regret you cant change it but you cant control your future so focus on that.

Have you been to the Docs? Maybe he/she would be able to answer any questions you have relating to being able to have children.

I hope all that didn't sound to harsh but come on, pick yourself up be strong and focus on what you can do not what you cant change.

[karmgirl]

Thanks for your reply. I do normally focus on the future and know I can't change the past but it still hurts and I did really want the baby. I have been to docs but he wasn't very helpful. I'm scared I'm infertile but most people I have spoken to say that unless you got an infection after the abortion I should still be fertile and able to have children in the future

[nat_84]

I totally agree with the above post 100%.

It's natural to think about the past and think "what if", but the main thing is you concentrate on your future.

I assume you're only 21/22 (as you were 18 when you became pregnant), you are very young and have your whole life ahead of you. x

[karmgirl]

Thanks nat. I know I have my whole life ahead of me but if I can't have children then I feel like my life would be pointless. I try and imagine myself reacting strongly if that situation arose and I keep telling myself that even if I ca't have a baby in the future there are other things in life that are good.. Deep down though I really would like to think I will have children one day

[nat_84]

It is really harsh to say but you cant turn back time. What's been done is done and the more you think about it the more you'll drive yourself around the bend!

You have plenty of time to meet someone you love and settle down with. You can;t rush these things.

Women are most fertile between the ages of 20-24 so i wouldnt worry about being infertile unless there was a known medical reason.

[Octavius]

Everyone worries about that at some point in their lives, it is completely natural. Even those who have had a child sometimes feel infertile if they are trying unsuccessfully to have another.

You are still young and plenty of stuff lies ahead. ansme is spot on and there is really not much more to say.

[karmgirl]

I know I can't.

After the abortion all I could see was pregnant women everywhere I still do its awful. I don't want to look at or talk to little kids even though I love kids I just can't bear it

[cazzz1975]

Its hard to get over an abortion and most people do not really ever get over it, all you can do is focus on the future, you are still young and have your life ahead of you.

Like ansme says, maybe you could pose your fertility questions to your doctor, if you get that part of it sorted you may relax about your fertiity worries.

[natalie_1982]

karmgirl, I would suggest contacting your GP - I had a termination 10years ago, I was only 15 and didn't keep the baby for much the same reasons as you. At the time I was offered counselling, it might be worth seeing if that is available for you too.

If it makes you feel any better (and I hope it does), I now have a perfectly beautiful little bundle who is now 3months old and I had no problems conceiving or throughout the pregnancy.

Try not to dwell on something that might have been; perhaps if you had had the child, you would now be 21/22 with a small child wondering what your life would be like if you hadn't continued with the pregnancy. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason, and at that particular time in your life you were responsible enough to recognise that you couldn't offer a child the life that you'd want to and so you decided to wait; a highly unselfish decision that I am sure you did not come to lightly. You did the right thing sweetie, and in years to come when you have enormous bags under your eyes from broken sleep and your house constantly smells like a wet nappy you will wonder what you ever worried about xx

[karmgirl]

Thankyou natalie 82. I do feel better knowing that you still conceived and were able to have a baby and that there were no complications.

It was the hardest decision of my life but I did do it for unselfish reasons you are right.

I am 21 nearly, I do hope I meet someone soon and have a baby xx

[Octavius]

Are you sure you are quite ready?
Did you have any post abortion counselling?

I think you should just take life as it comes. If you meet someone than thats all well and good, but you need to establish the stability and love with the person before proceeding to have a child, otherwise you may be left alone with another decision to make.

Even if you were 31 I would say the same thing really. Just take it easy and let the future take its course.

[karmgirl]

Octavius - I meant to say I hope I meet someone soon to have a baby with one day. I'm not in a position to have a baby just yet but I just want one one day.

Yes I did havea bit of counselling and have been back but I didn't find it very helpful. The counsellor advised me to plant a tree as that will be creating life and helping the universe. It might help some people but not for me.

If I'm 31 and still no partner or baby I will be very depressed but like you say I will just have to take life as it comes

[Octavius]

Thats all we can do.

[karmgirl]

Yes but then if I don't have a child some people will say 'well you have to take action to get what you want in life' and others will say 'some people are lucky some people aren't'

I will be so annoyed if I don't have a child and someone says yes but you've made your bed now lie in it or something like that.

And I will be so jealous of someone who is happily married with children

[juliacornwal]

I had an abortion in the very early 70s, because being pregnant out of marriage then was asking for trouble.

I now have 2 healthy, grown up sons and 2 healthy grandchildren. The man I married, to whom I am still married after 35 years, would not have taken me with an illegitimate child in tow - and perhaps a man who would, would not have been as good and kind as he is.

I would greatly have feared the knock on the door or the phone call when my child was 18 or 19, because I'm not sure how I would have felt or how he/she would have felt about me, so it would always have been a dark skeleton in the closet.

Frankly I applaud you for doing what you have done and hope, like me, that you will shed any fear and guilt as the years go by and accept without question that you did the right thing for you. Go forward and don't worry, the process of abortion nowadays is medically extremely sound and I see no reason at all why you shouldn't have the children you want, when it's the right time for you.

[Octavius]

I have friends who are in their 30s and don�t want children, I have friends who are married with one child and cannot have another child, I have friends and an aunt who cannot have children at all, I have sisters and friends who have had miscarriages, I have a sister and a girlfriend who had abortions, I was with a girl for 12 years and we had no children. I also, very sadly, had a friend who lost a very young baby through SIDS (cot death). We all have to deal with our emotions somehow.

Maybe it�s just the way you write, but jealousy of other people�s life is not conducive to dealing with your own situation. I am sure one day you will be happy, but concentrate on your own life not those of others.

[karmgirl]

Thanks everyone, I probs go on a lot but everytime I think I've finished I always think of something else to say.

Juliacornwal - thank you for your reassuring reply. x

[echokilo]

I am 35, single following a divorce 18 months ago and have had a miscarriage in 2001 and a failed attempt at IVF in 2004 ......... I will need IVF in order to have a child and need a partner first ................... I used to think this was the be all and end all ...................... but other the last year or so have come to realise that health and happiness are more important ........... I have a good job and fantastic friends and now see life differently ................... I wil now believe this is for living, and if you find your soulmate along the way and have a child, they are just things which enhance your life but are not essential in order to live a happy, worthwhile life.

Take it easy - whatever will be will be ............. but just enjoy the journey
x

[pastafreak]

Hi Karmgirl.....you have recieved some very good advice here from wise people. I sincerly think you have to stop concentrating - for a while- on having a partner and child. It is natural to want those things...but I don't think you have come to terms with the loss of a future child. I think you need to learn to accept that what you did was right at the time...as it is now-I think you feel some guilt......and NOT being able to have a baby in the future would be punishment for having an abortion. Life doesn't work that way...the odds are extremely high that when the time comes,you will have no trouble concieving. I have a 22 year old daughter....she COULD have had an older brother or sister. I sometimes wonder what that child would have been like...but then maybe my lovely girl would not be the same...or even here for that mattter. Life will work out for you...stop worrying,hun. x