Problems relating to abortion

[karmgirl]

2 years ago I had an abortion. The people at work know I have had an abortion and one of my colleagues actually really influenced my decision and told me to have it. (when I didn't need all that influencing).

Well since then this colleague has had a child. The conversation of babies and children and pregnancy comes up a lot and sometimes everyone gets involved as other colleague has kids as well. I feel like sometimes they are trying to purposely hurt my feelings since they know I've had an abortion. I don't feel brave enough to talk to them about it and can't talk to my boss properly as she is colleagues mum. It really gets me down sometimes.

[4getmenot]

karmgirl from your post yesterday and now today the same kind of post I feel you are crying out for some help here. You need to talk to someone or maybe find someone who has gone through same thing. Of course these people arent doing it to hurt your feeling. Mums are just proud thats all, they dont think it may hurt you and they shouldnt have to be pussyfotting around you either. You made that decision on your own and is not their fault. As I sais yesterday a very hard one, but what would you say to your boss? You cant ask their to be a ban on baby talk in the office. Please Please get some sort of help. Have you arranged to meet up with your friend?

[4getmenot]

I really need help spelling

[MiniN]

i'm sure they are not trying to hurt your feelings at all.

you are obviously still trying to deal with the issues of the abortion. do you have a close friend or relative that you can talk to about it and how you are feeling?

[redcrx]

Karmgirl,
I agree with 4get, you really need to talk through your feelings about the abortion with a counsellor or someone.
I doubt very much that anyone is trying to hurt your feelings, but obviously they are just by mentioninhg babies.
There is no way that you can stop them talking about babies, its part of life, even if it hurts you.
Speak to your GP and get a referal to speak to someone who can help

[karmgirl]

I know it was my decision in the end but it feels to me like my colleague told me to have an abortion and now shes gloating about having her baby. Maybe its just because I am so sensitive to this situation that I feel like this but I can't help that.

I wouldn't ask for a ban on talking about babies etc but maybe they could avoid talking about them when I am there or something. Not that I'm brave enough to say. I wish I could just pluck up the courage and explain to them how I still feel sad after abortion as they probs don't know how much it has affected me as after termination came back to work straight away and have never mentioned it to them since. It might help if I could explain to them how I fell but I can't

[karmgirl]

Thanks for all your replies - I hate counselling - I have tried it before and the lady told me to plant a tree to create life

There is a website with a phone counselling thing though so I will call them tonight I think and tell them how I feel and your right I probably am being irrational. Slightly.

I know what they will say though - talk to the people at work about it. Which that is what I have to do I think but I don't want to bring it up after 2 years cus they probably think I'm over it. There won't be anything else a counsellor can say to make me feel better apart from that.

4get - I text my friend - she hasn't replied yet.

[karmgirl]

And I know everywhere I go people will talk about babies etc too right I know that better than anyone and I don't expect them to stop but when its people that know you've had an abortion it jsut feels like they haven't got any consideration for how this kinda talk might make me feel. Or they might just think that its not affecting me as I haven't said that it is. I can't figure out which of the two it is.

[4getmenot]

you cant even ask them to not talk about it when you are around. That isnt fair either. If you cant see a counsellor then try finding others that have been through the same situation and come out happy the other end, look for some abortion websites. It also seems to me you are blaming the colleague in soe way because she told you to do it. She may have just agreed with you at the time as thats what you said you wanted to do. Is it something you are really regretting now then?

[4getmenot]

I had a mate that got rid of her baby she had to because it had Edwards Syndrome. When I met up with her I didnt know whether she'd want to talk about it or not so I just said 'Ok I dont know what you're thinking so tell me straight are you ok talking about it or do you want me to keep quiet' My mate didnt mind at all and actually wanted to talk alot about her loss

[karmgirl]

I wish someone at work would have asked me that.

I do blame my colleague and mum and dad and ex bf to some degree (maybe thats unfair) don't get me wrong it was my fault but I feel they could have all supported me better as I didn't want an abortion I wanted this baby so much and the only reason I had an abortion is because

1) most people told me to have an abortion more than telling me I could cope if I had baby
2) lady in job centre said I shouldn't have a baby just to get benefits
3) bf didn't want it
4) dad told me he couldn't support me and baby and let me live with him in his2 bedroom house
5) mum told me best thing to have abortion and only said she would help if I moved closer to her (feel she just saw it as an opportunity to get me to move closer to her again)
6) felt like I couldn't bring child into world without providing roof and not enough money

thats all the reasons - really wanted baby though

I didn't say to colleague I wanted abortion - I said I would like the baby but just would be difficult to support.

I kinda of regret it and wonder how it would have been and think that perhaps I should have tried harder to find a way to support myself and baby as loads of other people (young teen mums) seem to manage, but I also don't regret it as what sort of a life would it have been for a child - I want the best for my child

[4getmenot]

This is why you cant cope you are envying all the people that gave you advice. It may have been what they thought was best at the time, but all those people should also have said at the end of the day its up to you. Another friend of mine got rid of a baby as it just Wasn�t the right time, she also wanted a baby and would have done anything to change her life at that time. But she knows now 8 years down the line that she did the right thing and is now married got her own house etc and now trying for a baby. Could you not look at it that way that maybe they were right and in years to come you could give a baby the life it deserves?

[redcrx]

"I kinda of regret it and wonder how it would have been"

you say it all there.
The regret is whats causing these feelings, but the decision was ultimately yours, you could have walked out on the father, lived on benefits and provided for a child but you chose not to. As bad as it sounds you made the choice yourself and now have realised it may have been a mistake.

You do need to seek help, youre struggling with a lot right now and need someone to talk to so please try the counselling again, be honest about how you feel.

The choice was made, no-one forced you, just gave you the facts and their opinions (as bad as they may have been). Try and move on from whats happened and dont place blame with anyone, least of all your colleague who hasnt a clue how much youre hurting.

[karmgirl]

ok I feel like you think I'm a bad person now for blaming people but I can't help it

I can only really hope that I have made the right decision. I guess I just wished that my circumstances were different so that I could have had baby. I also really fear that in 10/20 years time I might not have found a partner to settle down with or might not have bought a home and might not have a baby. I can only hope that will happen - in the meantime I have to watch people living my dream. Like my friend who is only a year older than me and is pregnant but has a lovely bf and her own home.

[karmgirl]

Thank you both for your help. It helps to hear voices of reason. I may phone for help but I do feel a bit more rational again now for a while. Thanks xxx

[4getmenot]

I dont think you're a bad person at all. And at least you can admit you do blame others, But you are using them to get you anger out thats just the way you cope. You arent ready to blame yourself but you need to to and you need to realise its over and done with, yes you will always feel hurt about it and what ifs but you need to move on. Try this site

http://www.safehavenministries.com/ChatRooms/t abid/77/Default.aspx

[karmgirl]

Thanks 4get & redcrx - I will try that site. xxx

[4getmenot]

and keep chatting to us if it helps. xx

[redcrx]

i dont think youre a bad person at all, its your coping mechanism.

You cant start thinking now if it was right decision or not. At the time you thought it was the right one and thats all that matters.

Whos to say what will happen in life, you may find the perfect man and have babies, you mayy not but dont dwell on anything now take time to accept what happened.

[karmgirl]

thanks rag x