Ending it

[milton]

`ve been in a relationship for just under a year, it has been tough, and i`ve decided i`ve had enough, i`ve tried telling her 3 times, but she cries, i feel terrible, and i agree to stay. I know that i don`t love her, but i do care what happens to her. I thought about writing a letter -telling her, or just moving my stuff when she`s not there. Does anyone have any ideas.

This is a duplicate question, but as so many answers have been posted, we'll leave it up. - AB Editor

[smudge]

If you are not in love with this girl, then there is no point in persuing the relationship. You say that you 'care about what happens to her', so perhaps you could end the relationship either by conversation or letter, whichever is easiest & more comfortable for you, but most importantly, tell her that you'd still like to remain friends & that you are only at the end of the phone if she needs you. If you let her down gently, I'm sure after a time she'll resign herself to the fact that the end to the relationship is for real. Good luck.

[andy hughes]

The line between loving someone, and caring about them but not loving them, is a very thin one, as you have discovered. The only thing that prevents you from ending this relationship is your perfectly natrual desire to cause your partner no pain. The reality is, pain is a built-in factor, the only control you have over it is the amount, and the length of time you both suffer. You must sit down with your partner, and tell her calmly and clearly that you don't love her in the way that allows a relationship to continue, but you will always care about her. Then you have to live with it, and that's the tough part. You have to harden yourself to her tears, and walk away, and stay away. Resist all temptation to return, of which her pleading will only be a part, joining in with your own feelings of loneliness and uncertainty, which makes returning to her such an attractive option. Resist - you will only start the roundbaout again, and have to repeat the whole dreadful experience again. You must walk away, and stay away, and when the going gets tough - re-read the answer before this one, and this, and any that follow. It's very very hard, but it's best for both of you, and that's what matters - your future, and hers.

[RevShirls]

I agree with smudge and andy. It's time for you to think about yourself here. You sound so sensitive and caring - you need to be sensitive and caring to yourself too. This is not the best situation for you to be in. I think you've got to her that you don't love her, or are no longer in love with her, but that you care for her. You need to explain to her that it is not good of her to make you feel that you have to continue in this relationship. Does she want to be in a relationship with someone who only stays to stop her being upset. You need to make it clear that you have agonised over this because you care for her, but it cannot go on like this because you don't have the right feelings. You have to be tough here. I, personally, think it is better to speak to her face to face. Although a letter helps you to say exactly what you want to say, it makes the break up rather impersonal. Its not easy when emotions are concerned - but you really have to think about yourself here.

[Lotus]

As someone who has just finished a two year relationship, I can only tell you that if you think about how hard she will tak it, it will be very hard for you. Esp about two weeks after you break up, when it settles in, and you start thinking about the other person and how they are, etc. But it sounds like you really are honest with yourself, and are looking for the opportunity to be honest with her, which is a very good thing. The one thing I would suggest to you, though - dont do it in a letter or over the phone. That - to a girl - is just low and impersonal and disrespectful and all these other big words we girls use a lot :) I can only see two things you can do in this situation - either be very strong willed, sit her down (but make sure you havent argued beforehand, or anything like that - quiet, peaceful kinda 'sitting down') and tell her. Listen to her, and tell her again. If she starts crying, you tell her you can talk about it later on, when youre both less emotional, and leave. Because right now, somewhere in her subconsious is the formula 'he wants to leave-i cry-he stays', and thats not good. For some time, that was in my head, and it really is a bad thought to have, and she needs to see that its not true. Which will require you to be strong willed, determined and unwilling to be held back by tears. Hard - but do-able. Sit on your hands for a few days, when you will want to call and see that shes ok,and if you can be physically away (other city, other country), that helps a lot... The other thing you can do is less abrupt, more tricky and more woman-like in its basis - build up a distance between you two, or do something that will make her leave you. Im gonna leave the figuering out of the details to you, as I dont much like this plan - its less painful, but much more...sly and false and all other things a relationship should not have... Lots of luck :)