bad dad

[mycatis]

my ex-husband is a very violent man and I finally managed to get away from him after many bad years, my problem now is that my small daughter is starting to ask about him (she was only 3 when we left and is now 8) he recently ignored her in the street. What can I tell her without hurting her even more? I don't want to say bad things about him, I think she should make her own mind out when she's older

[zgma]

You could talk about him as someone who does bad things, as opposed to a bad person... this is a fine distinction, but I think an important one. Someone who does bad things does them for reasons that aren't always understood (they were hurt in the past and developed bad ways of coping, etc). They are not bad people. That way she can know the truth - i.e. that he acts in violent ways, and does things that are hurtful, like ignore her. But she can also learn to look at him with some empathy that will let her possibly forgive him when she's older.

[wonky]

Hey,my dad was a very violent man and left me with my mum at 2yrs old. my mum told me from day one that he had left and that he was violent and if i asked a question she would tell me the truth (nothing to detailed) she never said her opinion of him and left that up to me. i always respect her for never saying a bad word just the facts. it has hurt over the yrs especially when he found out i got married and didnt even attempt to contact me. but i look at it as his loss of seeing his 1st born grow into happy balanced young woman and my gain into what SOME men can be like and knowledge that prepared me for the future. Good Luck

[xxlizziexx]

it sounds alot like what my mum went through. my dad was violent towards her and wasnt a very nice man sometimes.i dont mean this to come out really rude or anything so sorry if it does. no matter what your daughter will get hurt beaucse its her dad and she will find out. what my mum did with me was told me about what my dad did job wise soical wise, them sort of facts. as i was older i had to have sounsoling, it helped me relise alot of things then my mum told me and my dad being violent. it was the perfect time to tell me. she dierves to no and im sure you wil tell her, but dont tel her till shes a bit older. so overall i would say tell her about what he did what sports where his best. thems ort of things, sorry if this si all confusing, hope this helps in some way xx

[mycatis]

thank you everyone at least I dont feel so alone now

[Insane Wally]

I know it may seem it at times, but you are never alone, there's always someone on this site (& many others) you can turn to for advise.P> Hope everything turns out for the best.

[Greedyfly]

My mum has always made it clear to my sister that her father is alive and well and when she is old enough she can meet him if she wishes to. She just tells her that he left her(mum) and that they are no longer friends.

[Maykissed]

Been in a similar situation. All you can do is gently explain, without badmouthing him too much!!, that somepeople make mistakes in life and his mistake is not to want to know her. That's his problem, not hers. She is a very special girl whom you love. Not everyone has two parents but one parent can give as much love as two. Best of luck!!

[nrmatth]

i think your taking the right step to not bad-mouth him. just explain your position to her about why you split and keep it short and sweet. that way she won't wonder who's fault it was and all that. (fault may include herself if she doesn't get some facts). then when she's older she can write him but make sure to prepare her if he doesn't answer. i don't know if you'd want him to see her anyway considering he's violent, but she will eventually learn to pity him for losing out on a wonderful experience. i was 12 when i realized my dad wasn't what i thought he was and didn't completely accept it until i was over 18. also see if you can find a support group for children of broken families online so she can talk to other kids who understand. or even some articles written by kids and teens that tell of their feelings and how they adjusted.

[Josyjo]

Similar to my own situation - I simply told my daughter that he was an ok guy, but 'not very good at being a dad'... This way i figure she knows it aint her fault... she's 12 now and knows that its ok to ask questions, and if she