Heartbroken

[shaking]

Have just had to put my 93 year old mum into a nursing home and it has just about broken me, feel so guilty that I can't look after her any more. Has anyone been through this and can you give me any advice.

[chinadog]

I understand completely how you're feeling shaking. My dad had to go into a home,he had senile dementia which was getting worse. We just could'nt cope any longer but our hearts broke all the same. All I can say is, visit your mum as much as you can and just be there for her and if you can take her out say once a week for a meal or just a run it will be a change for her. Try not to beat yourself up,easier said I know. Best to you.

[shaking]

thanks chinadog, mum had a fall and went off her legs but is all there mentally. I visit every day and she is treated with compassion thankfully, I just can't get over the feeling of guilt, I love her so much.

[chinadog]

You cant do anymore than you're doing shaking. Its been over 20 years since my dad had to go into a home and I still get pangs of guilt. It's only natural when you love someone and our parents are special. I still miss both my parents. They both died within 18 months of each other and I hope we gave them all the love they deserved. Take it one day at a time ok?

[Velvetee]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad about this Shaking. My mother lives alone, but has carers. She can't really manage anymore, due to health issues and fraility, but I know I couldn't manage to care for her.

I know it's hard not to feel guilty, but I'm sure you have found a home, where he will be well cared for and you can visit him in a relaxed environment.

[fanny-batter]

i used to live in a nursing home when i was young. the old people were traeted really well.

[chinadog]

93 is a good age docspock but thats not to say it makes things any easier for shaking. Both my parents were in their 70's as well.

[Naomicorlett]

When my mum went into care ( she had Alzheimers) it meant that I had more time and energy to love her as she deserved. She said it was the best thing she had ever done and loved having visits from a not -so -shattered daughter. It was so exhausting doing all the caring that it left me with no spirit to treat her as she deserved. I went to see her and still gave her showers and manicures- all the special times still happened and will for you and your mum as well. Now is the time to enjoy her company. Bless you.

[shaking]

Thank you everyone, it is so hard. I know she is getting better care than what I can give her and will do my utmost to make sure she doesn't feel 'dumped', the carers are superb and Social Services have bent over backwards for me for which I am thankfull, old age is a curse and I hope I drop off the perch before I get into such a state. Thank you, sincerely, I really appreciate your kind thoughts.

[chinadog]

You'll be ok shaking and if not we're always here x

[shaking]

thanks chinadog I will remember that, there are such nice people on this site when someone is in trouble, it is nice to know there is support out there.

[weecalf]

The fact that you feel the way do proves you care.You did what you did for the good of your mother.You never have to explain anything to anyone specially yourself if what you did was because you cared .I actually visit a residential home nearly every week and honestly believe those old dears are happy .They are dozing or sleeping but in a world of bliss .Rememer reading some where when older people do recall it the nice things in life the recall .After a while your mothers home will be the nursing home and she will not fret or worry .Be kind to your self you have nothing to be remorseful for .You did it for the right reason .

[Mamyalynne]

shaking look at the positive side, you can stop being the nurse and return to beilng the daughter (guessing there sorry if wrong) and you can still have fun together, dont be too hard on yourself.
Take care and love to Mum too

Mamya xxx

[LoftyLottie2]

I felt just the same when I had to admit I couldn't cope with my Mum any more and she had to go into a care home. I felt I had let her down. What made it worse is that the first care home she went to was not as good as expected, but I transfered her to an excellent home which really is like a small, homely hotel. I am not worn out anymore, and she is happy about that.

Now Mum and I have a better relationship than we have had for the last thirty years. I visit her twice a week and we enjoy each others company. It will never feel like a real home to her but she realises that it is the only option and is comfortable and very well cared for.

I really look forward to my visits now, and the guilt I felt for so long has gone. You will feel better, I promise.

[raysparx1]

Hi shaking, it is very sad when this happens, but please be assured that most nursing/care homes really do care. I work as a handyman in one, and I love all the residents and treat them all as if they are my mum or dad, some do have all there facalties and are completely aware of what is going on, but do accept that they now need that little bit of extra care that you cannot give, you can't be with your mum 24 hours a day, it's not possible, she is in the best place for her, don't feel guilty, I know that is easy to say, try to be happy thet she is getting 3 meals a day, is warm and being cared for, hope she settles in ok and is happy. Ray