Why did you get married??

[Miss Chief]

I have a lot of friends that are married and I don't understand why.

A lot of them divorce soon after... one of my friends tells me he wishes he'd never married his wife (less than 3 years ago) as she's ruined him emotionally and financially.

Another friend's husband hated her wearing clothing that he thought was revealing. They divorced after less than 2 years marriage.

When I hear stories like this I cannot believe that everyone who gets married truely believes that the person they are marrying is the one - they must have alternative reasons for getting married. Not wanting to be lonely, that sort of thing.

Now, I'm not suggesting that everyone who marries does it for less than honourable reasons (and even fewer people would be willing to admit it if they did), but - why did you get married??

[Squitty]

A little bit of social engineering comes into it too - 20-30 years ago it was just the 'thing to do' and was actively encouraged by all - friends, family, mortgage - everything was geared to try to get everybody to buy into long term commitment.

[Huderon]

Well I got married because I finally realised, after 5 years, that she was not going to go and find someone more suitable. That was 18 years ago and I'm still married and plan to stay that way for a long time yet.

Yes, there have been good days and bad days, but I'm old enough to be able to "senior moments" about the bad ones

[andy-hughes]

I believe that social pressure plays a large part in peoples' decisions to marry. You get friends and family saying things like "Well, you've been together a few years now ..." which is often followed by "When are we hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet..."

I think people marry because they don't really think hard about what they are doing, and then expect marriage to roll along because they are married, but the truth is, it's still the two of you, and it works if you do, and not if you don't.

The present Mrs Hughes andI had a lot of that pressure - she had two children from her first marriage, so we got all the "... children need a dad ... " nonsense.

I married her so we could be together, after six years, and coming up for 23 years later, I am glad she made the right decision for me ... just kidding!

[obNOXious]

What squitty says is very true. My ex wife's mother decided in 1968 not to get married and decided to have a baby and run her life her way, but god it was hard for her, and very very difficult because society made it so. Everyone encouraged her to find a man and settle down, even though none of them were my wife's nartural father, assuming she had got pregnant by accident and was deeply ashamed etc etc etc, rather than appreciating what a free spirit she actually was and that she didn't give a monkye's for other people thoughts one way or the other. Despite haviong her wn very successful business she found to impossible to obtain a mortgage etc, and had to fund her house pruchase another way, as she wasn't married. Things then were just not geared up for anyone choosing to live outside of society's box:).
Ironically my lovely mother in law that was is now nearly seventy years old, and still looking and acting great and has last year married a really nice man a hell of a lot younger than her because she said she's finally met someone she can tolerate on a daily basis and loves deeply, and depsite the rather extensive age difference they seem incredibly happy.

[shaneystar2]

I had known my husband for six weeks before we got married .
He was very appealing and still is !.
We are still perfectly happy after 36 years . Mind you there has been the odd spat and an awful lot of ups and downs which every one gets in life :)
These people who say " We've been together now for forty years and never had a cross word " must be saints ! Two of my brothers have been married for over fifty years .
In my day this was what you did .
.It cost us eighty quid to get married in a registry office and a knees up afterwards ..
Nowadays I think these young people get carried away with the white dress,huge reception and the honeymoon in far flung places,which, lets be fair ,seems to cost an absolute fortune ,then when they get back and the day to day grind kicks in and children come along sometimes love flies out of the window .
There are all sorts of reasons why a marriage fails but I think if you truly love your partner then you can work things out .

[Whoever]

Because I sensed that within 48 hours of our meeting, we could become soul mates and best friends. We had so much in common, the same interests and the same shared values. 42 years later I still have no regrets. But before embarking on marriage you need to really understand the person with whom you are making a commitment, as well as knowing yourself. People don't magically change just because of a ring or a legal document., so you need to be really sure that you are marrying for the right reasons.

[ruthann58]

i got married at 18 and yes we have had our ups and downs but we will have been married 33 years in august .people do change and the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence but at the end of the day it still has to be cut, i do think that a lot of people give in too easily at the first sign of trouble they are off

[tamborine]

40y - now apart due to demise. We were chalk & cheese. Knew each other 6m before pregnancy - which resulted in our marriage. It was as turbulent and loving as any long partnership. 3 kids & 3 grandkids are our achievement. The last 5y were just 'two of us' - we knew each other so well & complete trust had evolved. Since OH departed it's like loosing a limb; the ache is deep. No-one can replace a life partner.

[coccinelle]

Destiny! and I mean it. Been married 27 years and though there's been hard times (me living abroad, language problems) we still love each other and are very happy. Very lucky I'd say. If you want to make it work you will, don't rely on the other partner to do it all.

[Prudentia]

arranged by the matriarch, to marry into wealth and status, that is how it was in my day.

[mallam]

I married my wife because I stopped wondering whether I could live with her and started accepting that I couldnt live without her. Like a lot of you folks we had been together on and off for the best part of ten years. She had always been sure of it, but I hadnt FOR HER SAKE.

Of course there is always the Mr Polly factor (Mrs Polly's dramatic revelation of her shrewish nature from the moment they get married in HG Wells's The History of Mr Polly) but surely none of you had gone the distance before marriage without ever seeing the mask slip, had you?

Not wanting to be the bad guy is very bad thinking on your friend's part, Miss C. However much he fights the role, he will be set up for it, stitched up, shown up and if possible locked up, or at the very least taken to the cleaners.

[Ice.Maiden]

I'd known my husband- to- be for years before marrying him. He was part of our wide social group. Then a gang of us went on holiday together and we realised that we had strong feelings for each other. Three months after that, he proposed on my 18th birthday. I accepted, and three months after THAT, we were married. At the end of this month, we'll celebrate out 12th wedding anniversary. We both love each other, so that's all there is to it.

[mallam]

I post the above advice for your friend, Miss C, from bitter experience not of my wife, but of my mother, who saw the marriage (and quite classically, her role as mother-in-law) as a tug-of-love, or rather of hate. Nobody ever loved his mummy as much as me, and now my whole family's lives as well as my own depend on killing that love, which has been a cruelly difficult, nay impossible position to be terrrorized into, but she did say from the start, "Yeah. The new love has driven out the old." She really did.

[mallam]

This is what happens once your wife is insane enough to say she would be a good wife and have your mother in a granny flat, and you are insane enough to try to convince the devil-hag who hates her and by now, if not from everlasting to everlasting, you, what a good wife she is by repeating that, and your lawyer lets you do it.

And AFTER he has given you every encouragement to build the granny flat, and your shocked family have said, "Dad, what were you thinking of? It was like inviting an axe murderer into the house" and you have been disinherited and your portion willed to your wastrel brother, the said lawyer says "Oh that always happens!"

And when the said devil-hag has made the air hideous with never-ending hate broadcasts and phone messages (after her OWN GP and yours have told you to leave the answerphone on) and stuck white feathers in your letterbox and filled it with incendiary hate mail, including in its relatively anodyne moments obscene incestuous outpourings like "You have been the love of my life, and if you don't come to your senses (!! =back into my clutches) I will ruin you even if I have to ruin myself to do it", prompting your brother�s Latin wife to say "You can't catch flies with vinegar!" the threat to take you to the cleaners comes into play, and your darling mother tries to take you to Court.

And after all the lawyers in the town have passed the parcel, and threats have been issued to bring old school friends who are now Law Lords into play, we are now into loony letters to MPs and peers, which actually get replies?!?! And comments like "She writes a good letter!"

DONT DO IT, FOLKS, HOWEVER MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR AGEDS!

[obNOXious]

and now for probably the first time in my life.... I don't know what to say....

[mallam]

My dear Nox, you're not obnoxious at all! Even tho you yourself had a lovely mother-in-law.

Just because you got lucky you don't automatically suppose that cases like Miss C's friend or me (or strictly speaking, my wife, for it was she who got the mother-in-law) must be the bad guys.

Thank God there are lovely mothers-in-law, in spite of all the Manningisms, and that your quite obviously lovely one has finally met someone she can tolerate on a daily basis (which does sound more like the being able to live with thant the not being able to live without) and loves deeply (which probably IS the not being able to live without).

[whiskeryron]

Why did I get married? Because she was the prettiest thing I had ever seen,we married in 1950 & we were in love for 58 years. She died in march last year & I still love her to bits,my eyes are full of tears as I type this.I pray that there is an afterlife, I can't wait to join her.

[mallam]

Yes, well, Irish Whiskey, my eyes are full of tears as I read it. Praying that there is an afterlife is a bit like "O God, if there is one, save my soul if i have one" but God knows you have to pray for your loved ones as long as you're in any sort of life.

[ummmm]

whiskeyron......... xxx

[elcee45]

I got married because I was very much in love he was the nicest kindest guy and I knew that I wanted to spend my life with him, that was 42 years ago, sadly he died just over a year ago and now my life is so empty without him.