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What's everyone's favourit joke?
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: �My friend is dead! What can I do?� The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: �Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.� There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: �OK, now what?"
This is the world's most popular joke according to a web-based poll. For No 2 and national favourites, http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html
This is the world's most popular joke according to a web-based poll. For No 2 and national favourites, http://www.laughlab.co.uk/winner.html
George and Walter are chatting over breakfast in (yes you guessed it!) a nursing home when George says to Walter "Walter, did you know you had a suppository in your ear?"
Walter says "What I can't hear you?"
George repeats his observation again, this time louder.
Walter replies sheepishly "I'm going back to my room. I think I know where my heaing aid is".
An American goes on a big business trip to Tokyo. On his first night, he meets up with a hostess in a bar, and takes her back to his hotel room. They go at it doggie style, and the Japanese girl starts to moan "Fujimoo, Fujimoo". The guy increases the rate and is hard at it and the girls is screaming "Fujimooooo, Fujimoooo" over and over. He is ready to climax, and as he does the woman screams "Fujjjiiiiimmmmooooooooooooo". The guy (being a guy) was delighted that he could give so much pleasure.
Next day, he is playing golf with the potential clients, and on the short Par 3 4th, he gets a hole in one. Having never done that before, he is running around the tee shouting Fujimoo, Fujimoo, and waving his arms around.
One of his playing partners looks at the green, looks at the American and says "no, no, you have the right hole"
similar to the one about the ladies ascending posted earlier.....
A man is out walking in the forest and he comes accross a ladder. He starts to climb, and eventually meets a short guy, who tells him he can keep climbing the ladder to success, but there will be temptations and if he stops, he can go no further.
Off he goes, and he reaches a room with a good looking women, wearing a skin tight dress and smiling at him. He is briefly tempted, but is ambitious, so continues up the ladder to success.
In the next room, he sees a very good looking girl, wearing expensive lingerie and motioning him over. He is tempting, but is determined to climb the ladder to success.
He climbs on (the ladder) and gets to the next room, where a gorgeous, naked girl is waving him over, pleading with him to join her. He is seriously tempted, and has to force himself to carry on up the laddert to success.
He gets to the top, where there is a large room, with a big chair. In the chair is a naked man, with open sores all over his body, lice and a powerful, unpleasent odour. The man breaks into a huge smile and says...
I'm Cess
-- answer removed --
-- answer removed --
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You goober! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's too afraid to cough!"
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner screams, "You goober! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's too afraid to cough!"
A man had great tickets for the FA cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the cup final, the biggest sporting event in Britain, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... Im sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbour -- to
take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.
"No. They're all at the funeral."
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the cup final, the biggest sporting event in Britain, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... Im sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbour -- to
take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.
"No. They're all at the funeral."
A bloke goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over
$15,000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over
$15,000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The Cremated Husband
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that bl** job I promised you?
"Well Here it comes!!"
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that bl** job I promised you?
"Well Here it comes!!"
A bloke is hanging upside down from the rafters at a factory when a blonde coworker walks by.
�What are you doing?� she asks.
�I need a few weeks off,� explains the man. �I�m pretending to be nuts.�
Just then the boss walks by and sees the man dangling from the ceiling.
�What are you doing?� asks the boss.
�I�m a light bulb,� answers the bloke.
�You�re going crazy. Take a holiday!.�
The man jumps down to leave, and the blonde starts to follow him.
�Where do you think you�re going, young lady?� the boss asks.
�Home,� she replies. �I can�t work in the dark.�
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