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What's everyone's favourit joke?
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An orderly in an insane asylum is making the rounds one day when he sees a man running back and forth pretending he�s driving a car.
�What are you doing, Willy?� he asks.
�I�m going to London for the weekend,� the patient replies.
The orderly chuckles and enters Willy�s room to change the sheets. When he walks in he sees one of the other patients furiously masturbating on the bed.
�What the hell do you think you�re doing?� yells the orderly.
�Shhh,� says the patient, �I�m screwing Willy�s wife while he�s in London.�
�What are you doing, Willy?� he asks.
�I�m going to London for the weekend,� the patient replies.
The orderly chuckles and enters Willy�s room to change the sheets. When he walks in he sees one of the other patients furiously masturbating on the bed.
�What the hell do you think you�re doing?� yells the orderly.
�Shhh,� says the patient, �I�m screwing Willy�s wife while he�s in London.�
An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a rural tavern. She gestures several times to the bartender, but he ignores her. She disappears for several minutes, returns to the bar, and blows him a kiss. This time he rushes over.
�Are you the manager?� she asks, softly stroking his face.
�Actually, no,� the bartender smiles.
�Can you get him for me?� she asks, running her hands through his hair.
�I�m afraid I can�t. He�s not here,� the bartender sighs. �Is there anything I can do?�
�Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,� she continues, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
�What should I tell him?� he manages to ask.
�Tell him,� she whispers, �that there�s no toilet paper in the ladies� room.�
�Are you the manager?� she asks, softly stroking his face.
�Actually, no,� the bartender smiles.
�Can you get him for me?� she asks, running her hands through his hair.
�I�m afraid I can�t. He�s not here,� the bartender sighs. �Is there anything I can do?�
�Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,� she continues, popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
�What should I tell him?� he manages to ask.
�Tell him,� she whispers, �that there�s no toilet paper in the ladies� room.�
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
�Oscar, what happened to you?� asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. �I got a ride down here in some guy�s moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my wings off,� wheezed Oscar.
�Let me give you a tip, ol� pal,� said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. �You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?� So you can imagine the flea�s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar�looking more chilled and miserable than before.
�Oscar! What has happened to you now?� asked the flea.
�Listen,� said Oscar, �I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.�
�And so?� asked the first flea.
�And so the next thing I know, I�m on this guy�s mustache again!�
Two tourists were driving though Wales.
As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town`s name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiig."
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
I don't wake up until 7:00."
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods asks: "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
Yet another nursing home joke.... This bloke has to place his dad in a nursing home and is rather anxious about how he will settle. He leaves his dad on the first night assuring him that he will visit again the next day. As good as his word the son visits the next morning. He sees the Matron on the way in and asks her how his dad has been overnight. She tells him "Your dad appears to be settling very well, last night he had his ginger biscuit, his cup of cocoa and his viagra tablet and slept well all night." The son says "I'm sorry, did I hear you correctly? ginger biscuit, cocoa and VIAGRA!? Matron smiles and says "Oh yes, the ginger biscuit stops the residents being hungry in the night, the cocoa helps them sleep and the viagra stops them falling out of bed"!
Sorry about that, I don't know what happened. Heres the joke:
The plane is crashing and the passengers are screaming.
A beautiful, young girl in the front row stands up and sobs, "I don't want to die like this. I have never been treated like a real woman; is there anybody here who can treat me like a real woman before the plane hits the ground?�
After a few moments, a handsome young man at the back of the aircraft stands up and walks slowly down the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. He fixes the girl with his steely blue eyes, slowly slipping the shirt off his muscular, tanned shoulders.
Finally, he is standing in front of the now quivering girl. He rolls up the shirt and holds it out to her.
�Iron that, would you�, he says.
Sorry, ladies.
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