Can I trust him?

[randomquest]

My partner has been lying to me for about 10 years. He told me had given up smoking but hadn't.  I confronted him about it several times because I could smell it on him.  He continued to lie.  I eventually found him out and to cut a long story short he continued to lie and tell me he had stopped.  He now reckons he's given up.  I can't cope with the deceit, am I overreacting?  I just don't trust him any more he lied too well.

[Bangkok]

Have you any suspicions or proof about any other lies?  If it is an example of normal behavior then you need to decide whether what he brings to your life is worth the stress of being lied to.  Horrible to think through and you should talk to someone that knows you both well and that you can trust if possible.

If it is (only) the smoking that is the issue then why is he lying?  Is it that he cannot quit the physical / chemical dependence, or that he enjoys it too much, or that it is his thing and he does not want others telling him what to do (childish but possible).

In other words, is the lying part of a bigger issue or something in isolation.

I quit a year ago having smoked for 20 years, and I could happily have a cigarette today, other than I could not look at my wife's face if she found out.  She supported me through quitting and whilst she had no idea about the strength of the cravings (other than my whinging), she talked to me about the objective of giving up (starting a family) any time of day or night and it brought us closer.

 

Chemical addications are really tough to beat.  It might help you both if you could talk through the problems of giving up and the effect it is having on your life as well as his.  Also, he should see your GP (maybe with you as well), and phone the quitline - the number will be in the Yellow Pages

Good luck

[thewillow]

I'm not surprised he lied given your reaction now.  Relax!  Just think about it - at least he'll smoke a lot less if he thinks that you still believe that he's off the fags.

[natalie_1982]

I know smoking is bad for you, I'm a smoker myself, but surely there's a lot worse things going on in and worse things he could be doing. I'm sure if you relax he will want to give up his own time, he should also give up because because he wants to not because you want him to.

[georgit79]

Have you asked him why he lies? I know it's frustrating, but it looks as if you're flogging a dead horse here...

[georgit79]

and natalie (morning!)- I don't think it's the smoking that's the issue here- it's the fact that he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to lie to his partner. And keep lying.

[Robinia]

Just tell him that you're disappointed with him for slipping up & then not telling you, but that you're sure he'll try his best to  quit again soon.

Lighten up, it's not earth shattering - wish it was the worst thing my ex ever did & lied about.

[woofgang]

I am with georgit79 on this...but is he lying? I go to places where there are smokers and come out reeking, but have never smoked a ciggie in my life ever. Can you set aside the smoking and have a calm conversation aboput why this is upsetting you so much?

[Ahmed]

Maybe he continues to smoke as it relieves the stress of having an affair?

[natalie_1982]

I see that smoking is not the issue, that's what I mean that in the grand scheme of things there's a lot worse he could be doing/ lying about. Having a crafty fag is hardly grounds for divorce. I understand he's been lying to you, but perhaps if he wasn't so pressured he, firstly, wouldn't need to smoke, and secondly, wouldn't feel he needs to hide it from you.

[natalie_1982]

I'm sorry that sounded so snappy. I don't think I should be allowed on Ab on a Monday morning, I'm too grumpy and tired :P

[georgit79]

sorry natalie didn't read your first answer properly

[ICEMANSAV]

Light up and smile !

[cardboard]

No, I dont think you're overreacting. 10 years is far too long for him to be lying to you, and unfortunatly you're never going to forget that. Anytime you're not sure about something he's done, that will go through your mind. What you need to do now is not constantly bring it up, and give him the chance to win back some trust. The other temptation you need to avoid is to be really paranoid about it. If you constantly check up on him about it, he will start and resent you for it. For the sake of your relationship you have to trust him, but try and encourage him to be more open about it. If he slips up and has a sneaky fag one day because of stress or whatever, make him feel like he can tell and apologise, withoput you hitting the roof. That will help you both to see him through quitting

[stoo_pid]

Half the problem could be he's maybe lying to himself.  My mum's exactly the same, telling everyone she's given up when as a non-smoker I can smell it a mile off.  But when anyone can be bothered to challenge her about it she'll insist (to the point of getting upset) that she's only had 1 or 2 when in reality it's at least 10 a day.  When any 'evidence' is shown to her she'll make up the most imaginative of excuses without ever acknowledging she's addicted.

And that's the problem - if she doesn't believe she's addicted then there's nothing she can actually give up.  And it's been like this for 20+ years...

Which is it that's bothering you though? Him not quitting or the lying?  If it's not giving up that bugs you then the likelihood I'm afraid is that he won't unless he actually wants to (for whatever reason) & as you've discovered you certainly can't force him.  If it's just the lying then would you be OK with him still smoking but at least being honest about it?

[tigga]

Im really sorry but personally i do think you are overreacting, i have recently come out of a relationship (thank god) where i was constantly getting grief for having the odd ciggy, and i told her i had given up- she was onto me though and knew i was lying.

But although i lied to keep the control freak off my back, i am extremely faithful (what goes around comes around idea), therefore i was totally honest about everything else. However the smoking was the cause of 99% of our arguments and led to me finally breaking free !!!.