Boyfriends Ex

[Smooser]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a few months now, we are both really happy and everything is going well.
Except there is one thing bothering me and that is his ex girlfriend. They were in a long term relationship which ended on good terms last year, they are still friends and keep in contact. They also have the same cirlcle of friends so I know she will always be in his life.
I have met her and it was polite and friendly, I knew about her before me and my boyfriend got together as we were friends first, I just wasn't expecting them to be on such good terms as they are.
I have expressed my feelings basically saying I feel quite uncomfortable being around her as they were together a long time and know each other so well.

I know everybody has a past but its hard when the past is going to be around all the time. Should I talk to my boyfriend about it again or just try to deal with it?

[China Doll]

How 'around' is around? I mean, the odd social engagement on a monthly basis isn't too bad if they're in the same social circle. I probably wouldn't appreciate it if they're on the phone everyday but again, a call every now and then or an email is fairly normal. You just have to decide if he is treating her the same way he treats other friends or if there is something specific in the way he treats her that is bugging you.

Ultimately, there's not much you can do, I certainly wouldn't go down an ultimatum route if that's what you're thinking but being open about it with your boyfriend is fair enough. And remember, they did split up so it obviously wasn't going far.

[Sqad]

What a dilemma.......believe me I think that you are very brave even to address this debilitating and potentially life threatening situation that you have found yourself in

I bet, smooser, that he has kept some presents, presents of sentimental value (locket with a lock of her hair) and also I bet that they were quite intimate, probably even kissing and caressing.

This is something that you seriously need help with.

[Rollo]

Am I detecting a hint of jealousy and/or a teeny little bit of lack of trust?

That's not good for a relationship to work.

[China Doll]

Now, now you two... I don't think that's on... I wouldn't exactly be doing cartwheels over the situation myself! That said, I do think it needs to be looked at as objectively as possible to ensure that mountains are not being installed on top of mole hills.

It'd be natural to feel a bit insecure in the situation. Give the girl a break.

[Smooser]

Thanks China Doll,

When I say around, its like you said just on social engagements. Its also texts and comments on facebook from her.
She has got a boyfriend herself. My fella and her were together while I knew him, the breakup was not to get with me it just wasn't going anywhere. I am not jealous at all and I trust him 100%. They are in the same cirlce of friends but they were actually his friends that she got to know over the years, I feel like she is staying in contact to stay friends with everyone else.

[redcrx]

what do you want from this?
for her to lose any friends that they may share?
for her never to talk to her friend (your fella again?)

I think you may find youre walking on unstable ground.

I split with guys who couldnt handle that me and my ex are good friends, im lucky in that my partner likes my ex and understands now the friendship that we have.

[Rollo]

Then you don't have a problem after all.

I hope it all goes well for you.

[LoftyLottie]

Totally natural to feel this way Smooser. You have told your boyfriend you feel uncomfortable around her and that's fine. He should understand that. After all they were in a long term relationship and obviously have been very close and know each other better than you and he do.

If it is just the odd social occasions you will have to brave it out, but it would be very unfair of him to expect you to be confronted with her too often.

Yes, talk to him about it - it is not jealousy at all, just insecurity.


No need for sarcastic comments from others.

[Sqad]

red.........I love you.

[Rollo]

Nothing sarcastic from me. Just a reality check.

[Sqad]

Sarcastic....true.....but none the less valid.

[Sqad]

Lofty...so what is he supposed to do, the boyfriend. organise his life avoiding as much as possible the ex girlfriend?

[redcrx]

lol @ sqad. Just what a girl wants to hear on a dull monday x

[Sqad]

red...still nude in my study..A/C full on and this is the 10th week with hot days and no rain.
My snooker was cancelled today because the AC in the snooker room had packed in.

[redcrx]

and as everyone knows, sqad, you cant let the balls get sweaty! i hope they fix the AC in the snooker hall soon!

sorry smooser, sqad may now take his talk of nudity elsewhere

[Smooser]

Thanks to those of you that have given me constructive answers!
Redcrx, I have to say you are very to the point and I think I needed that, I'm not a nasty person and I don't want her to loose friends nor do I want my bfriend to feel that I don't want him to talk to her again.
I don't want this to come between us as I am really happy, I think it will just take time for me to deal with it. Its important to be honest with each other but I don't want to keep harping on about it to him he will get sick of it!

[LoftyLottie]

Well, yes to some extent Sqad - he has to realise how his new girlfriend feels. If my husband had an ex wife and I had to keep going out or socialising with her I wouldn't feel happy. There has to be some sort of compromise. It has nothing to do with jealousy at all, just normal human feelings. In time they may all be the best of friends and smooser will feel more confident, but her boyfriend needs to be understanding.

People's feelings just don't turn off instantly. Being involved with the same group of people socially is one thing, but they needn't keep contacting each other.

And sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!

[Sqad]

lofty....we are NOT talking about husband and ex-wife, we are talking about boyfriend and ex girlfriend.

For Pete's sake, if she is going to START like this, what is the future, if any going to hold?

I got your last point.

[redcrx]

You sound as if you have you head screwed on right smooser, yes i can understand the difficulty in accepting the friendship at times, but you seem as if you can handle it.

as lofty says, just keep it open and honest

[LoftyLottie]

They were in a long term relationship. Is this any different from being married? They have the same circle of friends. They don't sound like a pair of teenagers who after two weeks think they are an item.

I only used the words 'husband' and 'ex wife' because I was relating it to myself. It could well be that I have been with a 'boyfriend' (well partner) without being married. Marriage doesn't alter your feelings.