My husband is still in contact with his ex-wife

[Laurinha]

Hi,

I was just looking for others opinions on my situation please.
My husband was previously married for eight years. His actual divorce decree came through around the end of August. I met him in March, the divorce process had already begun. We got married in September.

My husband and his ex-wife have two dogs. They live with her but he sees them once a month or so.

The thing is, my husband and his ex email each other now and again and have begun texting each other.
He tells me there is absolutely nothing going on and has even given me his phone to read some of the messages, I am not sure if I am alright with them texting each other like this, I mean should my husband really be sharing an intimate relationship with another woman? Intimate in the sense that they have a personal relationship together which is all but completely private from me.

Any opinions are appreciated.

Lx

[ummmm]

How much does it bother you?

[grasscarp]

I think you should relax. If he really liked her that much he would not have got divorced. In the last sentence you say that it is completely private from me, but it isnt if he is telling you and showing you the texts.

[TTG]

I could understand it if there were children involved but as there isn't I would not feel comfortable with it. Maybe he just wants to check if she is ok with her being on her own.

[cazzz1975]

visiting dogs every month??!!

[Sqad]

By intimate....you mean sexual.

Well I would find it difficult to have any sort of relationship with my ex, let alone an \"intimate\"one, as I would feel guilt ridden every time I say her.....assuming that I was the maldoer.

That is just me....however, in my experience, many friends of mine, do have contact with their exes in a non sexual capacity.

Just keep an eye on him laurinha.

[4getmenot]

they were married 8yrs thats a big part of his life. You obviously dont trust this man otherwise you would have no doubt whatsoever. Maybe you shouldnt have married him.

[redcrx]

ive nee divorced now for 5 years, i have a new partner and family.

i text, phone and go round to see my ex whenever i want to. My partner has always known that we are friends and it does not bother him at all, he trusts me and rightly so, id never start seeing my ex husband in that way again.

We are friends, thats all, it is possible you know

Your fella is honest with you, he is showing you his texts when you ask. do you not trust him?

[4getmenot]

if he starts lying to you thats ehen you start to worry

[Laurinha]

Thanks for all of your replies.

ummmm - it doesn't bother me all the time! Mostly I know there is nothing going on and tell myself that I should grow up and not make any further issue out of this but then sometimes I do wonder if it is right for him to still be in touch with her. Sometimes I wonder if I should be putting my foot down but then my fear is that he would continue to be in contact with her but start to lie to me to cover it up!

TTG - that's what I said at first 'if there were kids' but he loves those two damn dogs like they are kids.

cazzz1975 - yeah, visiting dogs every month. When we moved into our new apartment I even had to specify that we were allowed 'visiting' dogs.

Sqad - by intimate I mean private and personal

4getmenot - I think we probably should have waited a little longer before getting married but I do love him and we are still getting to know each other. We have made a commitment to each other and I will keep my side of the fence clean - so to speak.

redcrx - thank you, It's reassuring to know that other folks are in a similar position.

I guess I really do have trust issues they stem from my parents relationship with each other I think, but I am really trying to get over it and not let it taint my own relationships. I think this is why I'm not sure if what my husband is doing is normal or if I should object?? Does that make sense??

Lx

[4getmenot]

course that makes sense. But just relax. sometimes the more you get frustrated about it the more you will push the other person away. Good luck.

[Laurinha]

Thanks a lot 4getmenot. I need to try and chill with this.

Lx

[raysparx1]

If you trust him,what are you worried about? she is an ex for a reason if they had been happy they would still be together, if you are going to get paranoid about him being in touch with her it will all go wrong for you both, eight years a long time to be with somebody he is married to you now so be happy. Ray

[B00]

You married a guy just 6 months after meeting him? Wow!

[Laurinha]

Thanks Ray. You're right. Honestly though - I freak out when I think about the possibility that I could be all cool with this right now, give him all the freedom he needs to see and contact who he likes, then one day I might find out he has been doing more than just seeing and contacting her and I'll have been sitting around completely unaware of it, like an idiot! Lx

[Laurinha]

I know Boo - pretty swift! We totally fell in love. Lx

[LoftyLottie]

My common sense says that you should not be worried and be relaxed about it as others have said. But, if I am truthful I would absolutely hate it and probably make his life miserable and mine too. But I can understand him wanting to see his dogs!

[jno]

as B00 suggests, you don't need to be too impulsive with something as important as marriage. In the good old days you'd be engaged for a while first so you could get to know each other and feel for yourself how you'd deal with situations like this. Oh well, you're married now, so you just need to learn to trust him. It seems as if he's not being secretive about it at all, and that's a very good sign. Obviously you're nervois that he's still got a relationship with someone he's known much longer than you - but remember, it's you he married and you he comes home to.

And bizarre as it seems, it's nice that they agreed on visitation rights with the dogs... it suggests he's a grown-up kind of guy, able to compromise and not turn things into a power struggle.

[raysparx1]

Well all I can say is, if he is going to go off and do !naughties! with somebody maybe even his ex, he is going to do it nothing you can say or do will stop that, but without trust there is no future, please have more confidence is what you have, I am still in touch with my first ever love, but i have been married for 38 years to the one i love, and I would never cheat on her, and as i have said she is an ex for a reason, good luck and be happy, Ray xx

Hiya B00 hope you are well long time no speak, hope all the family are ok, x off me din dins, bye for now.

[craft1948]

After I split from my first husband we still sent each other birthday cards and bought each other jokey presents. After a few years he (very red-faced) asked me if we could stop this as his new girlfriend (now his wife) wasn't happy about it............I thought this hilarious as it was a case of 'been there, done it etc' but on reflection could see why it made her feel insecure..........no probs, the only time I ever contacted him again was for things relating to our daughter........shame really but understandable.

[Laurinha]

Thanks a lot, you have all been most helpful.

LoftyLottie - You sound kind of like me, common sense says relax but all other senses are screaming as if violated!

jno - Your right, I do need to learn to trust him and he really isn't being all that secretive at all. I am nervous that he still has a relationship with someone else whom he has known far longer than me. I guess this feeling may pass with time and the more in-depth we get to know each other. He is married to me and he does come home to me every night - I guess I really should calm down. And at the end of the day - it is very civilized that they have worked out visitation rights for the dogs.

Ray - Thank you - if he's going to 'get up to no good' with his ex or with anyone - he will do it whether I am suspicious of his every move or not. If I don't let go of my fears and just trust him there is no hope for us from the get-go.

craft1948 - When I read your message, I think, 'how silly of the new girlfriend/wife to be bothered by something so petty - if she trusts her man then she should have no qualms with it'. I'm such a hypochrite! I guess it's fear based, I guess I am scared that maybe he'll start to think the times he had with the ex-wife were better than what he has with me?? Oh I don't know. I guess I'll just have to let this pan out and try to keep a lid on my insecurities while at the same time keeping an eye on my husband??

Thanks to all of you, you've no idea how relieving it has been to get other people's opinions on this. I've been driving myself crazy with this. Playing devil's advocate with yourself is a real stress!

Thanks again

Lx