how can i find out?

[windycity8]

me and my hubby have been having our ups and downs and ive naturally confided in my best friend.
a woman i used to work with last night rang to ask me if i had left my husband. someone at my ex workplace had gone up to her and asked her if this was the case, saying that someone but we dont know who, had met my 'best friend' and she had said i had left hubby. without getting the person in trouble who rang me, how do i find out if best friend has been talking about me to someone? i know she wouldnt say that i have left hubby, she may have said some things that had happened and may have said, i should have left him. it could have been bumping into her in the street or maybe out clubbing, the story sounds like chinese whispers. i dont want to sound desperate by contacting woman at work to ask who she was told by. i hate confrontation and dont really want to ask best friend plus she will want to know who has told me this and i promised not to reveal it.any ideas?

[sara3]

not really, but what kind of "best friend" is she to be repeating what you've said to her in confidence?

[Ankou]

put it down to chinese whispers, people love a bit of gossip - especially juicy stuff like this, maybe even something was said that was completely took the wrong way.

if it is a big concern to you, then just ask the people outright, and put a stop to their speculations. why should you care if people "get in trouble" if all they are doing is talking about your personal life when you are not there ?

[Robinia]

Ankou's right, it may well be, as you say, a case of chinese whispers, it doesn't take long for someone to get the wrong end of the stick. (there was one about me many years ago that gave me a real laugh & someone else a huge shock!)
Apart from your best friend how many people have you talked to about your marriage problems? Obviously if it's none then you have your answer...unless your husband's been talking to someone of course?
I'd sit down with the best friend over a cuppa, heave a big sigh & say 'Seems there's some ridiculous rumour going around that I've left *husband*' Watch her reaction.

[windycity8]

maybe she has said what has happened but she definitely wouldnt say id left him so dont get it. i want to say something to her but as i say hate confrontation so looking for ideas how i can get it out of her, who she met etc.

[ummmm]

Just be straight and ask. It's hardly the crime of the century.

[windycity8]

dont want to ask, want to find out who has bumped into her, then shes said something about me but then its got back as the wrong message to the woman i used to work with. would rather find out like this then i will know if shes lying and denies meeting anyone. so, any ideas?

[ummmm]

If it's not true....does it really matter? People talk....they always have and they always will.

[windycity8]

true, but i want to know who has been saying what and if confidences have been broken. im not sleeping because of it, this so called best friend has been a friend for years, i know she hates lying but should surely know not to say anything rather than something!

[waterbabe]

You are acting like a dog with a bone forget it.
Whichever way you take this it will escalate to a bigger problem forget it if its not true anyway.

[windycity8]

i know but i dont want to continue a friendship if i cant trust someone nor be accusing of them. really want some ideas round this to find out who said what without me being direct

[ummmm]

So windy...have you never spoken about anyone before? She might have said innocently...

[waterbabe]

To be blunt you started the whole situation in the first place by discussing your marriage problems with another person instead of your partner.
Just put it down to another lesson you have learned in life.

[Panic Button]

Anything you say will cause problems somewhere.

Just button your lip now, and don't confide in anyone. (Except, possibly, close family)

[windycity8]

when you are going through bad times and you suspect your husband of infidelity then you need someone to confide in, hence my 'best friend'. i cant just accuse her of what i have heard back so i'll try again and please ask for any advice to how i can go about finding out who she has met and who has then told an ex colleague. she would never say i have left him as i have said, id rather know the chain of events and circumstance first.

[Ankou]

just ask her, you are tying yourself in knots and leading us a merry dance

[ummmm]

Just ask her nicely. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Did you not ask the person who phoned you where she got her info from?

[windycity8]

a friend who i worked with was approached by a woman i used to work with, she came up to her and asked her if she had heard that i had left my husband and was it true. she said that someone had seen my best friend and she had told her this. as i say she wouldnt have said that, so basically want to know who friend supposedly said this to before i start accusing.

[Seadragon]

Ahhh, I'm confused with all your friends. It's a good mystery though - I would want to know whose 'b!tchin?' as well (if I can use that word?) You or your husband or both of you must be popular that they want to know your story. I think you have some serious thinking to do, only you know the connections as you say you have to find the chain of events. Maybe ask with the emphasize on being upset and not on accusing anyone? You may get some results? Sorry if I upset you with the wrong word in 2nd sentence.

[windycity8]

no probs sea dragon. well, the person who told me what was said to her kindly went back to the 'informer' to ask who she had heard it from it. i guessed it was a bloke/her colleague who sometimes sees my so called best friend down the pub. as i keep saying, she would definitely have not said that i had left hubby but im reckoning she may have said other things. thinking of phoning her up and asking her if she has said anything to anyone about me and then take it from there. it could quite easily have been her hubby sitting with her who may have said something but even he knows we are still together. i feel really sad that i am about to lose a long term friendship. i have had to lie i admit to cover my tracks, our tracks and its hard i suppose when the burden is on a friend not to say anything even though i think she should respect my wishes. its hard when she knows others that know me, thats why i like to have lots of different friends who dont know each other, then you dont get talked, asked about and they are therefore not put in a position to lie. im dreading the confrontation, what else can she say. she has really really been ok with me all the time, tells it as it is so if she couldnt cope with holding back for me, she should walk away. hubby just got a new job, i dont even want to tell her that now, i feel that if i dont speak to her anymore then she cant tell anyone the latest on me.

[windycity8]

im dreading it, how would you deal with this situation?