bereavement

[coccinelle]

Society wise, how long is bereavement? It's only been 4 1/2 months since my husband died and I feel people around me think I should be now 'moving on'. Is this for their own sakes so they can get on with their lives? I'm still in shock and trying to come to terms with it all and not ready to move on at all but should I be now 'snapping out of it' so friends and family can in fact get on with things???
Anybody in the same circumstances or family members in these circumstances would be welcome to give advice. I'm a bit lost to tell you the truth.

[sherrardk]

My mother died in March last year (quite suddenly) and six weeks later my grandfather died. I don't think it has sunk in really as I didn't see them very often and as we have moved house, I don't picture them being around. My father is still in bits about it all (as you can imagine). He is not an outwardly emotional person, but every time he visits he has a little cry about her and I imagine he is only showing a fraction of his feelings. He is only 57 and I really hope he meets someone he can spend the rest of his of his life with. I suspect my siblings who live nearer to him would think differently. Everyone is different but I suspect that your friends and family have also been affected differently and react to bereavement differently. You should cry when you want, speak of him when you want and try to remember the happy times you spent together. xxx

[ummmm]

Also coccinelle...are sure that people think you should be 'snapping' out of it...and that's just not how you feel?

I know that you can feel that you've cried too much in front of them...been too sad...always seem down. But honestly.....they are probably thinking how brave you are.

[coccinelle]

Again thank you for all your kind words. The thing is I don't cry in front of them and I'm not showing how down I am sometimes, so maybe that's why they think I'm ready to move on. xxxx

[woofgang]

I suspect, with respect, that the folk around you DON'T think that you should be moving on and snapping out of it but simply don't know how to deal with the situation...also not sure what "things" need to be got on with. You will feel how you feel and no act of will can stop that, but equally, sometimes for no reason you will feel happy and at peace and you shouldn't feel guilty about those "grieving respites"
Take things day by day as they come, it will get easier but the pain won't go.

[rowanwitch]

I was taught during my nurse training that loss of a partner anything up to two years is normal beyond three if you can't function because of the grief then you may need some help...

sorry for your loss Coccinelle tell them you understand their concern for you but right now you will deal with things your own way....how you feel is what is natural for you.. and feeling a bit lost is pretty much normal in my book... after all you were used to being part of a couple...making decisions together having someone to talk things through with So far as others are concerned its more about them having to see your pain and sadness it probably makes them feel uncomfortable... well that's how it is..you are entitled to grieve however you need to

Take care
Rowan

[whiskeryron]

dear coccinelle I know how it is with you it is nearly 3 years since my darling wife passed on & it is still bad, but I am getting there,so 4 1/2 months is too early for you to be 'moving on'. Your dear husband wants you to live your life & not waste it, please accept the following from me with heartfelt love.Ron ♥

All Is Well
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral

[Nosha123]

I am sure part of you will never get over it Coccinelle.. and 4 months is not long at all... still in the early phases of grief. You unfortunately have to get past all the 'Firsts' still.. (first birthday etc)....
Time will make it feel less painful.... but I'm not surprised you are still in the 'shock' stages.

Just concentrate on one day at a time... small steps...

Good luck

[Nosha123]

Oh.. and sadly.. everyone elses life and the whole world all carries on... while you mourn... Just a fact I'm afraid... it hasnt happened to them.. so they are not the ones wanting to sit and grieve.. they still have to do their daily chores... go to work... etc etc.

Harsh but true...
It will get easier though.. and you are not alone!

[coccinelle]

Again thank you so much for your thoughts. I suppose you're people who've been there so can understand. My friends are still young and with their partners so maybe don't realise how hard it is. I'm also no longer one of the group anymore as I've lost my partner and being on your own is probably a problem for them. This is where I might have to move on and seek other friends....
I know that poem whiskeryon and it's very appropriate as I do always feel he's just beside me and in some way still protects me.
You're right too, I remember when I lost my Mum you could tell those who'd lost theirs too in how they responded. Bereavement is a personal thing and you have to 'slot' yourself back into some kind of everyday life when you can.
Love to you all and thank you xxxxx

[seadogg]

My kid sister lost her husband a year ago and at 4 and a half months she was convinced she never would move on.. She is beginning to get control again with monumental help from family and friends. Without them things would have been even tougher. People who say anyone should bbe moving on are acquaintances for the most part.We dont want to forget our life partners for they live on in us.

[coccinelle]

True seadogg; it's that question; do I want to move on or should I just live in the past but in fact you feel in limbo land as you can't do either. This thread has shown me it's far too early to contemplate anything so I'm going with my instincts. I hope your sister feels better shortly.

[Lindylou]

It does get easier. You learn to live with it. Its SO hard though until you can smile again and not feel guilty about it. Good luck to you - let us all know how you get on. Everyone will get to know, eventually, how it feels. I was surprised to learn that grief is a real, physical, pain. And snapping out of it isn't an option. It takes as long as it takes. I still grieve for my dad nearly 45 years later. Its just that I don't, now, think of it every single day. Just on birthdays, Xmas, anniversaries, etc etc.