Hiya Sacha. I was once married to a lovely man ( and we are friends even tho' we have been divorced for a few years now) who has a schizo-affective disorder, which is quite similar to schizophrenia. He described his feelings about his depot injection (he is on Depixol) just as you do-it blunts his feelings and he says he loses touch with his emotions. He didn't much like having his meds each month and eventually the docs agreed he could take oral meds. He then thought he didn't need them and gradually became unwell again. He seems to cope well on his depot meds though. I can only tell you what his experience of 'illness' was like from my perspective Sacha but unmedicated, he used to get agitated and would have problems sleeping and thinking logically. However he said he felt 'alive' when not on meds and his sense of humour came out big time!! but it was so hard for him to cope with the mood swings (and heartbreaking to see) and unfortunately, he would have to go into hospital to be stabilised. What I can tell you is that he is an amazing, intelligent person who just happens to have a psychological problem. Everyone's experiences of mental health issues differ (I suffer with depression and anxiety for instance) and I really admire you for coping for three years without medication-brilliant. I am sorry I cant be more helpful huns but I wish you the very best of luck for the future! x