What do i do?

[lourules]

Ive been with my partner for 5 years and for the past few months ive felt unhappy. I love him and want to spend my life with him but he shows no enthusiasum - never makes suggestions, always looks miserable, not really bothered about much, comes home from work late and does what he wants. He tells me he loves me - hes got a good life a nice job, lives virtually rent free with me and my mum and has money, a car etc. so no reason to be down? Im nice to him, treat him to things, plan weeks away, cook and show him affection.

Now we had words and he hasnt come home for 2 days - ive threatened to pack his bags because of this because he wont come home like a man and talk things through ( hes 28 )

I want to be with him but he has to change! i cant live with someone who doesnt want to do anything, get happy at planning weeks away or spending time together. Its like hes stuck in a rut!

Do i kick our 5 year relationship to the kurb or carry on trying to make it work? HELP!

[samak]

Sounds to me like he has someone else...

[ummmm]

What would happen if you actually makes plans and then tell him this is what you're doing at the weekend?

[missnemesis]

// I want to be with him but he has to change! //

Probably not going to happen lourules, what you have to change is yourself and how you let him treat you.

[lourules]

he would just say "yeah sure ok" he just goes along with it - dont get me wrong he makes suggestions but once in a blue moon! i dont think hes cheating, he normally goes to his friends or dads house if hes late from work and i do trust that that is where he is x

[ummmm]

Also, How long has he been like this?

[Old_Geezer]

Folk may be down for reasons you are unaware of, or even may feel down for no discenrable reason.

Fair enough you need to sort it out but I don't think just demanding he change is going to be helpful. You need to find out what the cause is. Which is why partners talking to each other is important.

[ummmm]

Well if he goes along with the plans you make I can't see a problem. Some people are leaders and some are happy to be led.

[Old_Geezer]

If he won't talk, then you can only say that you can't continue as it is, either he does talk it over or you will have to make a break. Not as a threat but as an honest reality.

[lourules]

i just feel like im sat here at home waiting for him to come home all the time, like im wasting my life? But i want to spend my future with him? But now im like can i really wait for him to grow up and want a future with responcibilities?

[Old_Geezer]

Discernable >:-(
Where is my edit facility Ed ? :-(

[lourules]

but i hate being the leader all the time! its boring! having to always think of plans or make suggestions! I never get surprised!

Hes been like this for a few months now, he smokes weed as well (I dont!) maybe its that? He wont talk to me i try to say whats wrong you can talk to me and i get "nothing up"

[ummmm]

I think that's more of a personality trait and can't be changed. Like introverts and extroverts....you can't make them be the opposites.

Why are you waiting at home for him? Make your own plans....go out with your friends. You don't have to spend all your spare time with him.

[lourules]

we dont get anytime together though. he gets a sunday off work and i get a thursday off work so we never see each other apart from a few hours at night. i go to work go out with family and friends and then when i try to involve him or spend some time with him hes always busy

[ummmm]

Besides work....busy doing what?

[Old_Geezer]

I'm just thinking that he may have depression problems, the cannabis may be a factor, or it may be just part of his personality, that apparently you were attracted to initially. If you were attracted in the hope he would change then you probably didn't make the wisest move at the start.

If you really care about the relationship, then don't split immediately but at least set a time limit for the relationship to improve to a state where you enjoy it. Do whatever you can to encourage him to see he has a problem and should want to make at least an effort of the relationship means anything to him.

Few relationships are a case of each totally doing their own thing.

But if you reach the limit you set, and see nothing is changing, then you have to cut your losses and make the break. go find someone (or remain single) so that your life is pleasurable and not a bind. You don't get wasted time back again. Know when you are investing in a relationship, and when you have reached the point where you are throwing away good time after bad.

Sorry I'm posting too much here. I'll go read the other threads.

[Sqad]

I agree with samak.....the ball is in your court.

[lourules]

he goes scuba diving training tues and wed nights, friday nights are lads night out so he dont come home kips at his friends, saturday night im working till 10pm, he sees his brother and dad once a week and does jobs after work, side jobs, cleaning business fish tanks out - the other night he texted me saying he wasnt going diving and he wanted to come home and spend quality time with me. He said after work he was going to pop to his dads then he would come home. he didnt come home till 10.30pm. i was in bed by this time... ?

[lourules]

when we met 5 years ago he was fun loving happy carefree and always wanted to plan things with me. Always bought me flowers and made me and himself happy. Now its like he cant be arsed

[ummmm]

He sounds like he's working hard. Then he has to fit in his family and friends.

Hard to know what to say really.....

[lourules]

i agree he works hard and he does try and fit too much in. but hes not fitting me in at all. he seems to think that because we live together thats enough?

Hes not come home for 2 days now nor has he texted me so ill give it till saturday and if he dont want to sort things or come home ill pack his bags :(