Pouring my heart out...

[marsh123]

This isn't the full story I've exceeded the word limit..I might have to add Part 2!!! Story so far...
With my boyfriend nearly 3 years...he was married before (ended 5 yrs ago) and has 2 kids. At first this was hard for me to accept, it wasn't how I imagined my life to be I thought I'd meet someone and we'd start a fresh life -so to speak- our own kids, etc. However, we fell in love and after some time I met his kids (they're 8 and 9yrs now) and I built up a really good relationship with them, they were always excited to see me and I got a lot of enjoyment spending time with them.
So I guess I altered my view on things and began seeing his children as a gift in my life, even though it wasn't always easy..he shares custody and has set days, not quite 50-50, more like 30%. Anyway these circumstances changed about a year ago. He put it down to his ex 'losing interest' in the kids, there was always some excuse -a weekend away/ heating in her house broke/ she was sick/tired- the list goes on and also she has a history of depression.
He always would have liked to have had more time with the kids so he was happy to take them. He never challenged her behaviour, even though sometimes her behaviour was bordering on neglect.
Their school uniforms were shabby (he pays mortgage and gives a very generous maintenance and not wanting to be petty he got new uniforms, shoes,etc.) kids said she was 'angry' all the time. He had them for nearly all of December -she had them for xmas day and boxing day- she demands 'occasion days'- but in the end contacted him on boxing day saying he could take them back early, she was in her sister's house said she didn't feel well. He collected the kids and most of their toys hadn't been opened.
Roll on to February she got a new job -she hadn't worked in number of years-, job involved shift work and she turned up one night on her son's birthday to announce new job and he could now look after the kids whenever she was working..this announcement involved lots of screaming and shouting on her part and then she went to do a night shift.
I felt so sorry for her son who looked ashen-faced after the incident. She has never met me though obviously she knows about me. She bad mouths me to the kids and they can't show her something I made them or gave them or talk about time we spent together.
My own parents are divorced and I feel for the kids having to lie about things but also for a long time I had empathy for her knowing how hard things were for my mother but then that was because my father shirked his responsibilities with his children and that's not the case here.
Anyway since February he has had the kids every weekend, on his own scheduled time and other random week days/nights.
This became a bone of contention between us because he just would not challenge her in any way (for instance she would be off the days he had the kids and work on what was supposed to be her time) I told him I didn't care how much he got the kids but the not knowing when he'd get the phone call/ when he would be free/ for us to make any kind of plans...it was becoming very stressful and it wasn't fair on the kids.
We live very close to each other, I own my house and he rents nearby -this is in part how we met each other and through a mutual friend.
I told him from the beginning that I wanted to get married and have children and he was probably not the right person for me. He assured me he wanted the same things. But during the course of our relationship he never made any plans about our future...beginning with just living with each other. He became defensive and defiant during any kind of these discussions. This built up a lot of resentment in me...I didn't want to be the one initiating these conversations and there's the old fashioned 'man should ask first' kind of thing- but I felt humiliated to be having that type of conversation with someone that found it threatening...to be continued if anyone has any advice?

[stokemaveric]

phew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[marsh123]

I know!!!!!!!! I feel like I need to get it all out though!!
Truth is I've now ended the relationship because it felt for all the compromises I was making he just kept me on the periphery of his life...
Is this the right forum? Or is this just overwhelming all you AB's?!
Ok if it is but please be kind :0

[saxy_jag]

I can't wonder at him being this way after what he's been going through with his ex - and still going through it by the sound of things. He's probably got all his time tied up with his kids and not even able to contemplate the complexities of another 'committed' relationship of the type you want. Probably a bit scared too.

I think all you can do, if you want to keep him (which it seems you certainly do) is just to carry on being his right hand and giving him and his kids lots of support. Try to get as much time as you can with him both with and without the kids around, see if you can't get a weekend away with all of them (ie him and the kids) as though you were a family unit. Little things like that could possibly show him what he's missing.

It's great that you seem to get on with his kids and, by the sound of it, they need you as a stabilising influence in their lives. Try to maximise on that.

[marsh123]

Thanks Saxy I really appreciate your answer and has actually brought tears to my eyes! because I know he's a good man but I just feel like I'm sacrificing everything for him and he seems oblivious to my needs. He says he just wants to make me happy and he's sorry for all his 'inaction' but I'm afraid I've hit my limit...he defers to his own family when it comes to outings with the kids and I can tag along, well that's what it feels like. And what of my family? I've had to go to my family occasions without him because he had the kids.
We went away recently with the kids and it was great and it's always nice when we've gone away..but that's been over a year! The nearest we got to going away together a while back he said he wanted to stick around 'in case' he was asked to take the kids -as his ex always asks last minute though she gets her schedule in advance..I was furious! and he spent that weekend alone because ironically she didn't actually ask. He apologized and promised he'd start trying to sort things out but he hasn't...

[emu777]

Tough! He has to start seeing things from your point of view and see your needs in all this too, if none of the other stuff is going to change...at least for you both to move forward as a couple? He said he wanted the same things you did at the start or the relationship. Now is the time to really sit down with him and find out what his intentions are...Good luck ;)