and now comes a letter from the ex

[peason77]

today i received a letter from my ex. I feel a deep sadness within. It was only a short letter, but basically it said his recent behaviour towards me was due to the fact he was nearing a breakdown and nearly hospitalised. Since the day he walked out on me he has felt nervous and vunerable, and realises his mind will never settle, therefore he will always have negative consequences on those who are dear to him. He recognises he's heading for a lonely and isolated future. He asks me to understand the torment of his soul and begs me to forgive the negative influence he has had on my life (i'm a shadow of my former self). He ends by wishing me the best and thanking me for the good times. I was doing so well, and this letter has set me back a little, as i'm thinking of him now, and the state he might be in. (he does make a habit of dropping me for approx 2 months then resurfacing as i refuse to answer his 'forgiveness' texts until i finally give in. I wish he hadn't sent the letter as i feel so sad. What am i supposed to do? just ignore it? (he obviously isn't making moves to reconcile which is ok) but do i acknowledge the letter or leave it? I don't want him to think i'm a heartless cow, but i have to think of myself. There is the possibility he will contact me again if i don't acknowledge his forgiveness (he does like to play games, but somehow i feel this time is different) sorry for posting questions so much, but i don't have anyone to talk to and you people seem to give sound advice. I would appreciate as much advice as you are willing to give. :)

[Mamyalynne]

Given all you have been through I feel that if you respond it will lead on to him trying to regain your affection and trust again,try to see it as a statement - he as much as says he will never change so whether it appears heartless or not (doesn't to me) you must move on. Regain strength for you and your little one and one day find true happiness.

Mamya ♥

[ummmm]

Ignore it and bin any future ones. You'll never move on if you don't.

[AlBags]

I agree ... This is probably .. in fact likely to be part attention-seeking.
Don't respond. He will be ok.

[AlBags]

( I actually agreed with Mama's post .. and you wrote this while I was writing mine! I'm glad you agree with my agreement tho) x

[cathfromsaron]

ditto! thanks for the letter, have a nice life ... or is there more ...

i would like to offer a really practical perspective: how are things for you?

do you need or miss him? did you have something good?

if so, will he go to individual and couples counselling and is he having treatment?

what has he changed about his circumstances to avoid this happening again?

***

take things slowly and all the best

cath x

[Le Chat]

Sorry to be blunt but the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
So what if he thinks you're a heartless cow? You need to get a backbone I'm afraid or you'll be riding this rollercoaster for a long, long time.

[GrantA]

Ask yourself - Do you miss him? why do you care what he thinks?

if he is making a habbit of getting back in contact with you, why do u feel that this one is different? Personally i would say, ignore him and move on with your life, this is the best course. If you feel that he may do something and you feel you need to tell someone about this letter then talk to his parents or family member or his best mate, and show them the letter etc.

I had an ex that said, he would do something if i didnt take him back, I didnt reply to him but i did call his dad and told him what was going on and they then helped him to see the error of his ways and helped him to move on.

[China Doll]

I had an ex who a few months after we split up felt it would be ok to drop in to an email requesting some cat insurance details (originally set up in my name) that he had been very unwell and that they were running tests in the cancer unit. I wished him well and told him to let me know if he required any patient information leaflets... and gave him the cat insurance details. I never heard from him again. As far as I was concerned it was some form of emotional blackmail as he thought I would worry for his health and offer support etc as I would do for most people I care about. I did not. I never did feel a tiny bit of guilt about my response.

[DTCwordfan]

"Sorry to hear that you have been depressed and near to a hospital.

I wish you well for the future and you should look forward as I am now doing, rebuilding my life from a life that was incredibly hurt and, in many ways, wrecked by you.

I do not want you to contact me again as life must advance on and I truly say that I harbour no feelings for you now.

Please seek out help if you feel yourself slipping again so you avoid hurting others, as you did me, in the future.

Your name" - nothing more than this....

Or just don't even bother sending him such a bland reply.

Your life should go on and take tomorrow with a bounce in your stride tomorrow!

[peason77]

i welcome all your replies.Thankyou. :) We did have something good ONCE. This is a pattern he displays, ie bins me, then 1-2 months later, texts me,i ignore him, he persues, says all the right things and bang i'm in a relationship with him again, then 6/7 months down the line, i sense him backing off then he ends it. Numerous reasons, 1st was his children (all who are grown up) 2nd time (he stormed off calling me a liar?), i never heard from him until 6 weeks later... you get the picture, and yes i am weak, and stupid, yet this time is different.I get a sense of finality from his letter. He WAS in a black hole. He'd lost weight, poor health, out of work, engrossed himself in news programmes (focusing on all the bad news)became subdued, told me he found it hard to laugh around my wee girl. I wonder whether it is some kind of mid life crisis (he's 43) he also knows i work within the medical profession and have treated patients with mental illnesses so i see how depression breaks people. I don't know whether this letter is a cry for help, part of 'keeping his foot in the door' or a genuine, sorry, see ya. It has set me back a little (and he knows it will)does the nurse in me help him?
(which goes against my instincts, as thats what i do) or do blank it out and move on for the sake of MY sanity. Is it likely to provoke him if i don't acknowledge his apology. Boy what a mess i'm in!!!!!!!!!!! big box of tissues by my side this evening. :(

[brenda]

Forget him -- bin all that you receive -- he may well be trying to pull the strings again. Not worth your time -- move on .All the best.

[cathfromsaron]

i agree, reply cordially and leave it for now x

[grasscarp]

I would text. Thanks for the letter. I wish you well for the future.
That way he wont pursure you for a response and you dont actually say what you think of his pleadings for forgiveness etc. Much as you may feel yourself being pulled back in, you are not. You have taken the right way which is out, and kindest to acknowledge and be positive with your comments (even if you dont mean it).

[askyourgran]

Forget him and his baggage, no more games you don't need any more of it. It's his problem not yours. Try to get involved in something different and look forward to a new beginning.

[China Doll]

I'd cry it out, rip the letter up and continue to completely ignore him. At least my ex had a reason to contact me as well as the attempted guilt trip, yours is just pulling your strings in my opinion.

[AlBags]

Every form of reply is encouragement.

[joko]

he knows this time hes gone too far and you mean it this time... so hes upping his game... hes testing you... he thinks its sport

dont let him win...

[boxtops]

I'm tempted to say to go for DT's calm and collected response, then no more. If he contacts you again after that, just ignore it. change your mobile phone number so he can't phone or text you.
It might be extreme, but if it were me, I'd think I'd try to move house, so he can't turn up on the doorstep....

[DaisyNonna]

Sorry is not a plaster. Acknowledgement is an invitation. Think of yourself.

[anneasquith]

reading your previous posts , i dont think you should reply at all.