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Advise needed
38 Answers
Hello all,
well i have been married for 7 years and my husband moved out before Christmas i told him to leave the final straw was he told me he hasnt been in love with me for ages.
I feel so hurt and angry and i know he doesnt deserve my love after everything he has put me through. Here is a short list, cheated on me with a woman, talking on internet to women, joined dating website, angry issues threw our dog by the throat which i then got rehomed and it broke my childrens hearts but i had to do what is best for our dog.
I then found out 6 months ago he is bisexual i tried to be a supportive wife when he told me he had been clearing the history on the computer i also held his hand as he told his mum and explored that side to his sexuality, toys, porn etc.... i didnt want a failed marriage and still loved him even though i was angry at the fact he had lied to me for all that time.
He ended up having sex with a man when we spilt up for a short spell but i forgave him and still wanted this to work.
But this time he has gone i am a mess cant eat sleep and losing weight fast i love him but then i think why, he has taken advantage of my feelings for him and phoned me drunk wanting a friendly voice and telling me he loves me, now he is saying he wants a divorce and is seeing a married woman and she is going to leave her husband for him.
I dont know how to deal with all this, i feel angry, hurt, a longing for this to be untrue and to go back to how it was, disbelief this is real, most of all after all this why and how could i still love him but i do.
well i have been married for 7 years and my husband moved out before Christmas i told him to leave the final straw was he told me he hasnt been in love with me for ages.
I feel so hurt and angry and i know he doesnt deserve my love after everything he has put me through. Here is a short list, cheated on me with a woman, talking on internet to women, joined dating website, angry issues threw our dog by the throat which i then got rehomed and it broke my childrens hearts but i had to do what is best for our dog.
I then found out 6 months ago he is bisexual i tried to be a supportive wife when he told me he had been clearing the history on the computer i also held his hand as he told his mum and explored that side to his sexuality, toys, porn etc.... i didnt want a failed marriage and still loved him even though i was angry at the fact he had lied to me for all that time.
He ended up having sex with a man when we spilt up for a short spell but i forgave him and still wanted this to work.
But this time he has gone i am a mess cant eat sleep and losing weight fast i love him but then i think why, he has taken advantage of my feelings for him and phoned me drunk wanting a friendly voice and telling me he loves me, now he is saying he wants a divorce and is seeing a married woman and she is going to leave her husband for him.
I dont know how to deal with all this, i feel angry, hurt, a longing for this to be untrue and to go back to how it was, disbelief this is real, most of all after all this why and how could i still love him but i do.
Answers
Lisa, this is such a sad story. You have been badly let down, and from what you are saying there is no limit to what he can do in the way of deception. Realisticall
16:16 Tue 17th Jan 2012
Lisa, this is such a sad story. You have been badly let down, and from what you are saying there is no limit to what he can do in the way of deception. Realistically you have to be strong for your own health and the well being of your children. It is going to be a real struggle for you and it must be a very difficult time you are going through. I dont doubt you still love him, but he cannot love you and treat you like this. I hope that you have friends and or family who will help you get over the trauma of all this.
DC_FC i am not sure what i was asking really, just maybe how and why after everything do i still love him, he has now asked for a divorce today. We didnt have children together he wouldnt have any with me which in hindsight is a good thing, I have my children from a previous relationship and so does he.
I am also unsure what i should do about his children i was their step mum for 7 years and had a good relationship with them but i am aware its keeping one foot in the past and not sure if i can move on seeing them. I know its not their fault why all this has happened and i dont want to seem like i am punishing them but he has moved on and i dont know what is best for my step children. I dont want to be part of his games.
I am also unsure what i should do about his children i was their step mum for 7 years and had a good relationship with them but i am aware its keeping one foot in the past and not sure if i can move on seeing them. I know its not their fault why all this has happened and i dont want to seem like i am punishing them but he has moved on and i dont know what is best for my step children. I dont want to be part of his games.
Human emotions are difficult to explan logically. One gets attached and does not contemplate change, but change happens anyway.
Analysing too much at this stage is probably not that helpful. What helps is finding acceptance for those things one can not affect, and for this you will need time.
Your husband doesn't seem to know what he wants at the moment but I'd hve thought that to try a break suggests he is not as committed as a relationship needs to be.
And his actions suggest you would be better moving on from him to be honest, for your own peace of mind and quality of life. A broken relationship may seem like the end of the world but in time you would see it was not.
Do you not have friends you can confide in and who can socialsise with you and help you feel better on the evenings ?
Analysing too much at this stage is probably not that helpful. What helps is finding acceptance for those things one can not affect, and for this you will need time.
Your husband doesn't seem to know what he wants at the moment but I'd hve thought that to try a break suggests he is not as committed as a relationship needs to be.
And his actions suggest you would be better moving on from him to be honest, for your own peace of mind and quality of life. A broken relationship may seem like the end of the world but in time you would see it was not.
Do you not have friends you can confide in and who can socialsise with you and help you feel better on the evenings ?
Thats just it i dont have any close friends, i concentrated on my marriage and gave up all my friendships to try harder at making my marriage work.
I never wanted a divorce, marriage is so important and i feel i failed and was not good enough.
I have got in touch with relate locally on a waiting list now, i just dont know how i will trust someone again he lied for 6 1/2 years plus my first marriage was abusive physically, mentally, sexually so i just feel so let down.
I never wanted a divorce, marriage is so important and i feel i failed and was not good enough.
I have got in touch with relate locally on a waiting list now, i just dont know how i will trust someone again he lied for 6 1/2 years plus my first marriage was abusive physically, mentally, sexually so i just feel so let down.
Are you ok with staying in touch with the children or not ? Only you can answer.
I think you can make it clear you would be happy for the children to visit should they wish, or not if you are not.
As you say it's not to do with them, if it isn't going to prove too much for you then it should be their choice whether to keep in touch.
I think you can make it clear you would be happy for the children to visit should they wish, or not if you are not.
As you say it's not to do with them, if it isn't going to prove too much for you then it should be their choice whether to keep in touch.
I just dont feel strong at the moment, Murraymints that is why i posted on here you may tell me to get a grip and maybe your right but its not that easy.
I am going to phone mobile company to change my number, there is no reason he should have it. I have his new address for divorce papers its just so overwhelming.
I am going to phone mobile company to change my number, there is no reason he should have it. I have his new address for divorce papers its just so overwhelming.
This is a very sad story.
From your list of things he has done he does not deserve any love or respect from you.
But I have to say that some women do love the idea of being in love, without much to justify it, and I think this is one of those cases.
The fact he has had sex with a man (maybe more than one) and with a married woman (and maybe more than one) shows he cares not one jot for you or the children.
Apart from his being unfaithful, with so much casual sex on his part (with men and women) there is a real danger of him bringing serious sexual diseases into your house, and I know you dont deserve that.
I would leave him to get on with his stupid fantasy world of casual sex if thats what he wants, it has no place in a stable happy marriage.
I realise your life is in turmoil at the moment, but just concentrate on trying to create a stable home life for your children.
You must also convince yourself you are better than him and dont deserve to be put through all that he is putting you through.
From your list of things he has done he does not deserve any love or respect from you.
But I have to say that some women do love the idea of being in love, without much to justify it, and I think this is one of those cases.
The fact he has had sex with a man (maybe more than one) and with a married woman (and maybe more than one) shows he cares not one jot for you or the children.
Apart from his being unfaithful, with so much casual sex on his part (with men and women) there is a real danger of him bringing serious sexual diseases into your house, and I know you dont deserve that.
I would leave him to get on with his stupid fantasy world of casual sex if thats what he wants, it has no place in a stable happy marriage.
I realise your life is in turmoil at the moment, but just concentrate on trying to create a stable home life for your children.
You must also convince yourself you are better than him and dont deserve to be put through all that he is putting you through.
Also dont rush into doing anything drastic like getting a divorce.
There are lots of things to sort out with a divorce (the house, money, custody, possessions etc) so it needs to be done slowly and carefully.
There is no rush, some couples split up but dont get divorced for years.
IF the marriage has broken down then you can just live apart, you dont HAVE to divorce (not with any haste anyway).
There are lots of things to sort out with a divorce (the house, money, custody, possessions etc) so it needs to be done slowly and carefully.
There is no rush, some couples split up but dont get divorced for years.
IF the marriage has broken down then you can just live apart, you dont HAVE to divorce (not with any haste anyway).
I would fall out of love instantly if someone was cruel to my children, or my dog or cat. Sorry, can't give advice because I simply can't understand how you can still love him.
I think Murraymints is absolutely right - you think you still love him, you can now look back and see the good things and what you had initially. It's gone now - you need to go forward.
Good luck.
I think Murraymints is absolutely right - you think you still love him, you can now look back and see the good things and what you had initially. It's gone now - you need to go forward.
Good luck.
all relationships have rules and boundaries. we expect that our partners will keep our interests in mind even when potential rewards tempt them to break the rules or go beyond the acceptable boundaries.
your husband has transgressed many of your relationship rules. time for you to call time on his complete disregard for your interests and trust.
your husband has transgressed many of your relationship rules. time for you to call time on his complete disregard for your interests and trust.
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