Advice Please

[Nay37]

My bf and I have been together 4 years. I am 37 and he is 30. I have a son from a previous marriage. Well I would like another baby but my bf is set against it and said he can't see himself wanting one anytime soon. My problem is I am the wrong side of 30 and my bodyclock is ticking away fast. My bf and I had a huge row about it. I have to make a decision whether to stay with my bf who I love very much and risk that we won't have any kids together or leave my bf and find someone who wants the same wants as me, which takes time and time is not on my side. What do I do?

[woofgang]

which is more important to you? BF or another child?

[Old_Geezer]

Advice is best when it gives you insight to make your own decision. When you ask a specific question, to split or not split, then I'm unsure anyone who answers that directly, will have done the right thing. I believe you want to avoid the decision by getting someone else to tell you what to do, which is understandable, but not really the way to go.

woofgang basically sums it up.

It is clear there is no way both your wishes can be satisfies, one has to let their desire go for the other. And having had a row over it already it looks as if you are getting further apart on the issue not making progress.

You may try to talk calmly over the issue and listen to each other's point of view, but ultimately if he doesn't want children (at least yet) then you should not force it. IMO a child is more likely to be a continuing issue for the future than a change of heart.

If the fact that the clock is against you so if he wants kids at all he should bring his schedule forward does not convince him, then best consider whether you would prefer to give up the desire for a second child, or would prefer to make the break and find someone who is interested (preferably in you as well as interested in having a child by someone).

[Old_Geezer]

PS 4 years seems a long time to discover you differ on this subject. Is this desire for another a recent thing ?

[Brinjal]

Does he not ever want children? I wonder what would happen if 5 years on he wants a child and you are past it. You have to think seriously what is best for you.

[Nay37]

Thanks for your comments. Is it greedy to want both BF and child like everyone else? Why can't I have the happily ever after too.?

[Purple_Popple]

Be happy with your lot. If you have a child with your current bf to fulfil a selfish 'need' then you risk damaging the relationship long term. Its not a good reason to have a child just because your body clock is ticking.

[woofgang]

NEVER EVER think that someone else has the happy ever after if you haven't walked in their shoes.

[jan01]

ummm clash of heart & head... which is the strongest??? x

[Nay37]

I don't want a baby only cos my body clock is ticking, I want a baby with my boyfriend cos I love him so much. A baby comes from love.

[Smowball]

he may well change his mind,you are happy with him then I wouldnt throw that away just to have a baby with somebody else. What if you split up and you find you cant get pregnant again? you will have split up for nothing.

[hippyhoppy]

a bit baffled here... you want a baby with your boyfriend because you love him... yet, you're prepared to leave him and have a baby with someone else... doesn't make much sense. Stick with him and suck it up.. babies aren't the be all and end all.. think yourself lucky that you have a child and a boyfriend who love you.

[Old_Geezer]

It's not greedy to want both boyfriend and child but you do need to take into account what your partner wants too. Relationships are about give & take. It's part of maturing to know we can't always have all we want, at least not necessarily with those we presently want it with. Anyway not everyone else has a child and boyfriend, I for one, don't.

Happiness comes from accepting and being content with what you have, rather than always wanting something else to complete it. A relationship does not need a child, there is nothing wrong with preferring to have one together, but it is a desire not a need.

The answer remains the same. Discuss the hopes & dreams rationally with your patrner, do not let it descend into an argument, and if there has been no change in the position of either of you by the end, then weight up which goal is more important to you. A potential child or an existing partnership.

[pizza]

A baby comes from love !! Your b/f is set against it time to move on

[Nay37]

Hippyhoppy, I don't want to leave him I was just putting my options out there, which as you can see it is a lose/lose situation for me.

[Eve]

How old is your son? Is your current partner a big part of his life?

If the relationship is otherwise fine and you love him as much as you say then seeing as you already have a child and boyfriend who you love then you don't sound to be losing out too much there, it's a lot more than many have and how many people realistically have the perfect happy ever after, more that you could lose a lot for something that might not even happen and almost more emphasis on a possible future life than all the life going on around you at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thirty plus and single and know that body clock feeling but you could end up losing a lot more in the long run.

[Youngwildn3]

Ask HIM what you should do? Tell him your predicament and ask him what he would do if he were you? So he understands how you feel. Find out why he doesn't want kids.