Remaining friends?

[Pinerello]

Long story on the circumstances .. but is it possible to stay friends with someone who you've declared your feelings for but was told they wasn't ready to start a new relationship because their last one ended so badly but who has now started dating someone else?

[ladybirder]

I think she was trying to let you down gently without hurting your feelings Pinerello. Find somebody else.

[AlwaysConfused]

Of course. Sounds like they were trying to protect your feelings, which a friend would do. Keep the friendship, but don't expect anything else

[NoMercy]

Not that it matters but how soon after saying he wasn't ready did he start seeing someone else?

Gut instinct: timing wasn't the issue, he just didn't feel the same way as you.

[NoMercy]

Or "she" didn't feel the same way.

[DTCwordfan]

Yes. But don't expect any "developments" - I am very good friends with one of my ex-s.....and you have reminded me that I need to get her a birthday card.

[Pinerello]

lol I'm a guy NoMercy, I realise that I will have to find someone else but I've known this person for years and she's known for quite a while Ive had a thing for her even when she was in her last relationship so it's not so easy to walk away

[Sqad]

Yes....yes ....if that's what you want, but if she treated me that way she would be...history.

Move on mate........

[ummmm]

Yes, as long as you can accept that she doesn't fancy you.

[happyone2]

I always wonder about girls who have a man friend who they know fancies them - are they fair to that man, do they act with absolute honesty and fairness, do they encourage that man to find a lady friend - or do they actually like to have a man around who fancies them who they really dont want but keep close, because it makes them feel better especially if their last relationship ended badly ???

I call them them the "queen bees" ...they dont want you but they dont want you to leave...........

Is she like this ???

if she is, then she isnt worth your fancyness !! You are worth more !!!

[Pinerello]

The circumstances were she was married but her marriage had run its course and was dead in the water and she wanted out. Her husband took it badly and took his own life. I helped her through the aftermath and trauma that followed hence she was wasn't ready to commit to someone else. Which I could understand. She knew how I felt about her but in the past few weeks she has started dating someone from her past who has gone through a similar circumstance to hers.

[AlwaysConfused]

then she still needs a friend, someone that understands, a shoulder to cry on, and someone that won't try it on with her! Be there for her

[EcclesCake]

She may well have got so emotionally involved with you in the aftermath of her marriage break up and Husband's suicide that she want's a fresh start with someone who hasn't seen her at her lowest and most vulnerable.

She might share a common connection with this new person but she also has the benefit of starting afresh, which given her past may well be very appealing.

[Pinerello]

The other guy is much older than her and an old family friend. It's going to be hard given the feelings I have for her to see her get close to someone else.

[China Doll]

I suppose it is but why would you want to? If that happened to me and it hurt to see the person with someone else then I would just not see them as I'd do what was best for my feelings. I suppose I'm a bit mean spirited like that but I just wouldn't see the point in upsetting myself further.

[Canary42]

Stop dreaming your life away - find other friends/lovers.

[pizza]

Difficult one, life is weird and sometimes it's easy to be attracted to people going through similar experiences as your friend has gone through, maybe she finds it easy with this other person at the moment and I don't know how long ago she lost her husband but she's probably grieving and mixed up but don't give up on her as a friend but don't put your life on hold for her x

[Pinerello]

I think that's what I'm going to do pizza. Both their tragedies happened within 6 months of each other. I feel hurt and betrayed but I can't throw away what has been a long close friendship. She see's it as she has done nothing wrong which I guess she hasn't. Like I say this other guy is much older than her so I know this is an emotional attachment rather than a physical one because he is not the type she would normally go for.

[joko]

she hasnt betrayed you at all. she simply does not want to be with you.
if she did, she would be.

she has been kind and let you down gently.
if you cannot be her friend unless you can be her boyfriend then move on, but you cannot expect or demand that she go out with you just because you want her to.

[Pinerello]

Ok betrayed was the wrong word to use. We did go out on dates together and did the couple "thing" but she wouldn't commit to a relationship citing it was just to soon. I respected her wishes given the circumstances but feel let down that after a few weeks of telling me this she is now in a relationship with someone else.

[joko]

so she gave it a go and it simply wasnt right for her.
she made no promises to you.

you cannot tell people how to feel - they just feel how they feel, there is no right and wrong and consideration of anothers wishes... it is just feelings

i would cool off the friendship for a bit - dont fall out, just dont contact her as often etc - but dont tell her its because you are annoyed at her - you will just look bitter - resume the friendship in the future when you are over it.


i had an old friend suddenly take a shine to me, id known him about 20 years, and i considered it momentarily but i knew i simply had no feelings for him like that and he became very petulant and snotty because i said i didnt want to get involved with him ... even if i had been somewhat tempted that attitude would have just killed it for me... even now i just think i had a lucky escape.