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Girlfriend wants space and time alone

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TheTallGuy | 06:09 Fri 30th Nov 2012 | Relationships & Dating
20 Answers

I'm looking for a bit of advice and guidance during a really tricky time in my relationship.....

I have been with my g/f for 1 1/2 years. We have been living together for a few months, but recently she she has been increasingly quiet and seemed unhappy. We have had some arguments of late after I made the mistake of trying to help out her brother who was out of work - it started ok, but turned into a disaster after a while due to his unwillingness to put in any real effort. This caused tension between us and created problems that had not previously existed, sadly.

She told me on Sunday that she loves me but cannot be with me. This hurt obviously and came as a bit of a surprise, I really wasn't expecting it! She went to stay with her sister and we had no contact until we, literally, bumped into each other in town on Tuesday afternoon - when we met, we were both full of smiles and being very tactile with each other, with both of us saying how much we had missed each other. We parted company after 1/2 hr with smiles and 'I love you', yet we were due to meet the next day for her to gather her things from my place.

The next day came and was quite sad and tense at first. We chatted for a bit and then started packing. As we did this, at intervals we stopped, hugged, kissed and shared lots of emotions - we talked more than we had done in some time and managed to unravel some of the stresses - it led to her still moving out but we then had the most amazing day together, we laughed, walked hand in hand, kissed, played and had beautiful fun together, it was incredible and we both said as much!

Since then, she has texted a lot with lots of affection, I have replied to most with the same feelings. I suggested she does not close the door on us, but takes some time and space to clear her mind.

I'm leaving her to make contact now and it is hard. The connection we rediscovered yesterday was beautiful, but I have no idea what may happen next. She says she has been exploring ideas of going back to uni and I was supportive of this, but she may go and do this by herself I guess.

It pains me to not be with her and she clearly misses me a lot too - she said it didn't feel right to go, but also didn't feel right to stay.

Is there mileage in just giving time and being patient or am I missing something here do you think? I understand her stress, I felt the same at times, but we seem to have a really good connection that is hard to let go of

Any opinions gratefully received, thanks :)


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TallGuy great to know you are being so supportive however don't put your life on holdfor this g/f Women often love the power of having a guy waiting around for them while they decide what they want,I would say leave her to get in touch but don't wait around moping. Good Luck.
13:06 Wed 05th Dec 2012
Do you think she might have someone else? Sometimes people want to have their cake and eat it.
She is trying to end it very gradually but can't bear to hurt you so she is giving you mixed signals because she feels guilty. Tell her to go.
It sounds like she has reached a difficult stage in her life. It can be a bit odd to grow up,change from the child in the family and begin a new one as an adult, she may have aggreed with you about her brother but felt strong loyalty to him,feelings would have been divided for the first time. Another thought,has she been harbouring thoughts of uni for some time? maybe settling down in a home she is responsible for made her feel opportunity has passed by.Another thing about your own home is money, up to now would she have bought new clothes, been out a few nights a week and can no longer afford to. This may not be about 1 thing, just lots of new things came at her at once. She could just need time to get her head round it, there is also you in all this and your feelings so I would set a time limit. Christmas is less than a month, do you both have plans? how about contacing her saying you care enough to give her space to think but would like to know a definate answer by 15th dec so you know where to spend xmas.
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Be careful that you don't overdo letting her be in control. She may be looking for you to be passionately desperate not to lose her. Or not. Good luck mate.
Question Author
She is 100% not involved with anybody else, or chasing somebody else, so thats not the issue.

She does feel guilt, I can see that. shes the one who initiates contact (16 texts in just one day!) and blatantly is very very confused about what she wants from life right now I guess.

I'm not going to push her, nor am I going to play hard ball and just disappear. My thinking right now is that she will make contact when she wants too. If she doesn't, then there's my answer.
Question Author
All that said, I love her from the bottom of my heart and really do wish to get through this with her of course
if she moves out where will she old is she??????
Question Author
She has moved to her sisters place a few miles away. She's 23
It's sounds like the beginning of the end. Lots of relationships have hostile endings. It's much harder to make the break when you're not consumed with negative thoughts.
It can be hard leaving someone when you feel it's run its course, but the other person just doesn't see it. You can still be very fond of them (particularly if the split is not due to another relationship). You're doing right in leaving it to her.
i would let her have time to think.

i am in a similar situation and i just dont know what to do - my heart and my head are arguing with each other constantly, and i keep changing my mind.

but then on one hand i think that in itself shows its not right, but then its naive to expect it all to just flow and not to have to work at it.

i am 40 though, so seen all this before - she is 23, this is all still quite new to her.
dont see this as some power game that you have to play, or win, it may not be... she may just need time.

give her time - if its meant to be she will come back, and then she wont feel its down to guilt over hurting you and herself or fear of being alone - it will be when she is absolutely sure.
you dont want her coming back too soon and then getting cold feet again later on
it sounds like she moved in with you, decided it wasnt working for her decided to get out, far better she does it sooner than later.
TallGuy great to know you are being so supportive however don't put your life on holdfor this g/f
Women often love the power of having a guy waiting around for them while they decide what they want,I would say leave her to get in touch but don't wait around moping.
Good Luck.
I agree with Pizza. If she does text, don't reply straight away. Give the impression you are busy and in control of your life.
Question Author
Thanks for your replies, much appreciated. Since I wrote this a week has passed and we met for a drink last Sunday. We had a couple of hours together and it was full of affection and laughs. She suggested that we go out on the Tuesday to celebrate her birthday and that she would stay over.... We did this and had a really good time, although i did definitely sense a bit of reluctance at the start of the evening. We just cuddled each other to sleep and I took her back to her sisters in the morning. Later in the day on weds she text me to thank her for a beautiful birthday and then also rang for a 20 minute fun chat late in the evening, which was nice. I've not heard from her since and am resisting the very strong urge to make contact... Very tough to do! :) On her birthday, we talked a bit and we agreed that we have a great connection and maybe to take things slowly and just see what happens - her words not mine. I don't know if this is 'polite exit' talk or just genuine mixed feelings, she is so hard to read right now. It's tough to let go, but at the same time it's mental torture just playing a waiting game.... It seems to make 24 hours feel like a month! :)
You know where we are at Hun if you need us and I like other Abbers wish you all the best and keep us informed x
Question Author
Thanks Pizza, kind words :)

I have been keeping a distance and allowing her space, however today I got about 6 texts from her... The first one just saying she missed me and then others with kisses on.....

I replied just saying I was missing her too and responded to the kisses, but didn't ask to see her or suggest getting together.... In my way of thinking right now, I want that suggestion to come from her. There is no right or wrong I guess, but what's the opinions out there please?

Thanks as always for helping with the ramblings of a love sick guy! :)
I agree with pizza, you sound like a lovely guy and your g/f seems to still care for you. It's possible you will always be fond of one another and remain good friends. I don't think that you should wait too long for her, she could end up playing you like a fiddle. Once a break has been made it is never the same relationship you had before if she came back. Move on if you can. All the best.

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