Retirement

[maggiebee]

Sent by a friend - hope you enjoy one or two of them.

Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question:How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question:What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

And, my very favourite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Asda
'Asda?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Asda?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff
in my shopping trolley says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember
who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

[leahbee]

Thank you maggiebee. I really enjoyed that and can relate to most of it.

[marval]

Brilliant