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Am I Doing Something So Wrong?
50 Answers
I have been with my g/f for a year. I have an 8yr old son from a previous marriage that ended 4 years ago. My g/f is extremely jealous / insecure about my ex, mainly because we maintain amicable relations that I think benefits our son.
Problems have escalated recently and my g/f has kind of issued some 'ultimatums' to me!
My ex and I have made a point of being there on Xmas day to watch him open his presents, either she would come to mine or I would go to hers around 6.30am when he wakes up and both enjoy that present opening moment, then would leave shortly afterwards. Aside from that, his birthday has just gone by and she did a small gathering of family / friends at her house that I attended and I did a party for his school friends at the weekend that she attended.
My g/f has declared this as weird behaviour that sends out the wrong messages to our son and that it must stop. The only person this bothers is her, so I just don't get why it's a problem. She has met my ex, who was nice to her, but this jealousy remains.
Her fuel for this jealousy stems from going through my phone earlier in the year and seeing friendly texts that were sent between us that were signed off with a couple of 'x's. My ex was having a very bad time, was on anti depressants and this was having a negative affect on our son. I was being nice, compassionate, friendly, just trying to ease the impact of her problems on our son.
So... Am I so wrong? I'm so confused by this and just feel dictated to by my g/f
Problems have escalated recently and my g/f has kind of issued some 'ultimatums' to me!
My ex and I have made a point of being there on Xmas day to watch him open his presents, either she would come to mine or I would go to hers around 6.30am when he wakes up and both enjoy that present opening moment, then would leave shortly afterwards. Aside from that, his birthday has just gone by and she did a small gathering of family / friends at her house that I attended and I did a party for his school friends at the weekend that she attended.
My g/f has declared this as weird behaviour that sends out the wrong messages to our son and that it must stop. The only person this bothers is her, so I just don't get why it's a problem. She has met my ex, who was nice to her, but this jealousy remains.
Her fuel for this jealousy stems from going through my phone earlier in the year and seeing friendly texts that were sent between us that were signed off with a couple of 'x's. My ex was having a very bad time, was on anti depressants and this was having a negative affect on our son. I was being nice, compassionate, friendly, just trying to ease the impact of her problems on our son.
So... Am I so wrong? I'm so confused by this and just feel dictated to by my g/f
Answers
I don't see it as him spending time with his ex, I see this as him spending time with his son, as he should, and his ex happens to be around. The fact that they're able to be amicable about the split also tells me they've handled it with a admirable level of maturity, after all they're gonna have to be in some form of contact until the son starts leading his own life away...
14:58 Mon 27th Oct 2014
I don't think you are doing anything wrong, you sound a fine person, and father to your 8 year old (and ex wife).
It is your current girlfriend who has all the problems.
She has to understand you had a life with your ex wife and son, and it is important your son sees you in a good light.
So many children's lives are ruined by bickering parents when they break up, sometimes it effect the child for the rest of their life.
Stick to your guns and reassure your girlfriend she is now the one you are with, but you are going to keep a relationship with your son.
p.s. My first wife and I split up about 35 years ago when my children were very young. One of my sons is now in his mid 30s but he has never got over the split and still blames me for it, even though my first wife was an alcoholic and drank herself to death.
Try to ensure your son KNOWS you were there for him as he grows up.
It is your current girlfriend who has all the problems.
She has to understand you had a life with your ex wife and son, and it is important your son sees you in a good light.
So many children's lives are ruined by bickering parents when they break up, sometimes it effect the child for the rest of their life.
Stick to your guns and reassure your girlfriend she is now the one you are with, but you are going to keep a relationship with your son.
p.s. My first wife and I split up about 35 years ago when my children were very young. One of my sons is now in his mid 30s but he has never got over the split and still blames me for it, even though my first wife was an alcoholic and drank herself to death.
Try to ensure your son KNOWS you were there for him as he grows up.
>>>Her fuel for this jealousy stems from going through my phone earlier in the year
btw, this is a very bad sign and indicates someone who is very insecure.
Try to boost her confidence, but sadly someone who is like this may never change so you may need to choose between your current girlfriend or your son/ex wife.
She may start to make life hell for you and eventually drive you out of her life. That is what insecure and jealous people do.
btw, this is a very bad sign and indicates someone who is very insecure.
Try to boost her confidence, but sadly someone who is like this may never change so you may need to choose between your current girlfriend or your son/ex wife.
She may start to make life hell for you and eventually drive you out of her life. That is what insecure and jealous people do.
Thank you for putting this into R&D, so many people, mainly established ABers i may add put these problems of Relationships and Dating into the Chatterbank section....so thank you.
Present GF jealous of your relationship with your son and Ex is quite a common phenomenon.
Women trend to be jealous.
You have two practical choices.
1) Give up your relationship with your son and Ex.
2) Lay down the battle lines with your GF and continue this tug of war with her and her emotions.
Depending upon your personality and fortitude and assuming that you want a quiet life......then the ex and child must take second place........and that would be my choice.
Present GF jealous of your relationship with your son and Ex is quite a common phenomenon.
Women trend to be jealous.
You have two practical choices.
1) Give up your relationship with your son and Ex.
2) Lay down the battle lines with your GF and continue this tug of war with her and her emotions.
Depending upon your personality and fortitude and assuming that you want a quiet life......then the ex and child must take second place........and that would be my choice.
I would add that my g/f gets on very well with my son and has no problem with him, aside from thinking that I have him for too many weekends in a row sometimes, leaving 121 time with her a bit lacking sometimes. She just truly thinks my ex is a cold b***h and gets annoyed at the mere mention of her name. In her perfect world I would have minimal / zero contact with the ex and keep
Contact business like, which really sounds odd to me, because I've never been like that with anybody!
Contact business like, which really sounds odd to me, because I've never been like that with anybody!
I'm with VHG on this - you have to reassure your girlfriend that if you were going to be with your ex-wife, you would still be there, and that it is your son that links the two of you together, not your previous relationship.
Equally you have to make it clear, without appearing to issuing any kind of ultimatum, that your relationship with your son is part of who you are, and your ex-wife forms a vital part of that, so it is going to continue.
She will then realise that she has a choice to make.
Equally you have to make it clear, without appearing to issuing any kind of ultimatum, that your relationship with your son is part of who you are, and your ex-wife forms a vital part of that, so it is going to continue.
She will then realise that she has a choice to make.
SQAD - thanks for your answer. My ex already is second place, if that. My son will always come first if it comes down to a choice.... Isn't this natural? Why would an adult who comes into somebody's life want to vie for attention against a young child? It's happening snd I avknowledge that, but I don't understand it. My g/f has a 4yr old daughter of her own and she puts her first, as it should be.
Confused! :(
Confused! :(
Re what sqad has said...maybe the ex can take second place...but NEVER the child. Too many fathers do just that,and wonder later why they have a poor relationship(or none) with their children. Both your boy and your ex are extremely fortunate that you are the kind father that you are. Maybe point out to your gf that you would do the same for her if it ever came to that.
The fact that your gf has gone through your texts is a very bad sign indeed. I'd seriously re-think this relationship as she does not seem to trust you,and does not understand the parent/child bond and the responsibilities that go with it.
The fact that your gf has gone through your texts is a very bad sign indeed. I'd seriously re-think this relationship as she does not seem to trust you,and does not understand the parent/child bond and the responsibilities that go with it.
It's unsurprising some might feel vulnerable when you seem to have such a good relationship with your ex-wife but ultimately everyone brings "baggage" for what of a better phrase, with them into each new relationship. and your new "partner" needs to cope with that. (Of course I have only one side of the story and have to trust all is well aside from your present problems description.)
Ultimatums are not good things to use. If someone is saying that x needs to be done or they will do y they need to not be bluffing, and genuinely expressing what they feel has to be the case; for it is no use trying to manipulate someone by blackmail, it has to be for real because the probable outcome would be a response along the lines of, "I'm doing what I have to do, you must make your own decisions no matter how hurtful to me".
That is not to say you shouldn't take you present "partner's" feelings as serious and needing discussion/respect, but that whatever you calmly discuss it needs to be the best solution for the pair of you.
I'm unsure there is any magic solution. It's just how folk are. Best of luck discussing it and coming to an amicable way forward.
Ultimatums are not good things to use. If someone is saying that x needs to be done or they will do y they need to not be bluffing, and genuinely expressing what they feel has to be the case; for it is no use trying to manipulate someone by blackmail, it has to be for real because the probable outcome would be a response along the lines of, "I'm doing what I have to do, you must make your own decisions no matter how hurtful to me".
That is not to say you shouldn't take you present "partner's" feelings as serious and needing discussion/respect, but that whatever you calmly discuss it needs to be the best solution for the pair of you.
I'm unsure there is any magic solution. It's just how folk are. Best of luck discussing it and coming to an amicable way forward.
pasta
\\\The fact that your gf has gone through your texts is a very bad sign indeed. I'd seriously re-think this relationship as she does not seem to trust you,and does not understand the parent/child bond and the responsibilities that go with it.\\\
That is normal....happens more often than you think and is called JEALOUSY which is a very painful and under-estimated condition...difficult to treat.
777
\\\My son will always come first if it comes down to a choice.... Isn't this natural?\\\ What is natural to some is not necessarily so for others....you have to decide. This would only be a temporary state of affairs as your GF may well accept your son back into the fold after a few years....or more....or perhaps never. There is no rule of thumb here.
\\\\Why would an adult who comes into somebody's life want to vie for attention against a young child? It's happening snd I avknowledge that, but I don't understand it\\\\
It happens...just don't try and understand it.
\\\The fact that your gf has gone through your texts is a very bad sign indeed. I'd seriously re-think this relationship as she does not seem to trust you,and does not understand the parent/child bond and the responsibilities that go with it.\\\
That is normal....happens more often than you think and is called JEALOUSY which is a very painful and under-estimated condition...difficult to treat.
777
\\\My son will always come first if it comes down to a choice.... Isn't this natural?\\\ What is natural to some is not necessarily so for others....you have to decide. This would only be a temporary state of affairs as your GF may well accept your son back into the fold after a few years....or more....or perhaps never. There is no rule of thumb here.
\\\\Why would an adult who comes into somebody's life want to vie for attention against a young child? It's happening snd I avknowledge that, but I don't understand it\\\\
It happens...just don't try and understand it.
I'm going to be a bit harder line here that the previous posters about your present gf. I think your present gf is behaving like an utter moron, and a needy selfish one at that.
You have so far managed something which even the calmest most well intentioned people often fail in, you have maintained a warm and generous relationship with yourself and your ex once you split up and as a result your little boy isn't suffering. THAT has to be maintained at all costs.
I come from a family where my mother and father are no longer together and have had other partners. they have alway made it abundantly clear that their children come before anything else and in my opinion that's correct. None of my mother's partners have ever had an issue with this, and I still go to stay with my step father's families and everyone gets on like a house on fire. Still. No need for it to be any other way. A couple of my father's gf's haven't played along with that and he dumped them because of it. The present lady is lovely and again no-one has issues with any of us.
If your present gf can't manage to control her jealousy I would question tbh whether she is the girl for you, I certainly would not be sacrificing my relationship with my child for anyone no matter how I loved them, and this is ultimately what she wants you to do, play by her rules, when it's not her game. Tell her gently how much you love her but ultimatums are off limits and see how it goes but I would anticipate it will go form bad to worse and will eventually cause a rift.
You have so far managed something which even the calmest most well intentioned people often fail in, you have maintained a warm and generous relationship with yourself and your ex once you split up and as a result your little boy isn't suffering. THAT has to be maintained at all costs.
I come from a family where my mother and father are no longer together and have had other partners. they have alway made it abundantly clear that their children come before anything else and in my opinion that's correct. None of my mother's partners have ever had an issue with this, and I still go to stay with my step father's families and everyone gets on like a house on fire. Still. No need for it to be any other way. A couple of my father's gf's haven't played along with that and he dumped them because of it. The present lady is lovely and again no-one has issues with any of us.
If your present gf can't manage to control her jealousy I would question tbh whether she is the girl for you, I certainly would not be sacrificing my relationship with my child for anyone no matter how I loved them, and this is ultimately what she wants you to do, play by her rules, when it's not her game. Tell her gently how much you love her but ultimatums are off limits and see how it goes but I would anticipate it will go form bad to worse and will eventually cause a rift.
\\\That is normal....happens more often than you think and is called JEALOUSY which is a very painful and under-estimated condition...difficult to treat\\\
Maybe...for some. I didn't go through my ex's texts until I knew he was having an affair...;-. It would never have entered my head to do so otherwise.
Maybe...for some. I didn't go through my ex's texts until I knew he was having an affair...;-. It would never have entered my head to do so otherwise.
Kvali
///make love not war you know? ;-)////
Yes I know..;-)
My point was at 16 you may have had one BF, but at 60 you may have had 3 marriages (wives) 25 one night stands and four lovers..........thus increasing your chance of having your "privacy invaded)............as well as other "bits" invaded........;-)
///make love not war you know? ;-)////
Yes I know..;-)
My point was at 16 you may have had one BF, but at 60 you may have had 3 marriages (wives) 25 one night stands and four lovers..........thus increasing your chance of having your "privacy invaded)............as well as other "bits" invaded........;-)
Wait until you've been cheated on by a few people you love, then you'll start to understand what it's like to be insecure and look for things that aren't necessarily there (and be jealous if you are the type). The GF is in the wrong but she needs a lot of reassurance - if you love her give it to her.
Sqad....I'm a decade or two older and I don't go through my partners phone, ever! It's something I wouldn't dream of doing. To me it's on a par with opening someone private mail.
777...My stance would be similar to kvalidir's. I wouldn't put up with jealousy. The more you pander to someones jealousy and insecurities the more they will move the goal posts to get what they want. I would say 'like it or lump it, it's not up for discussion'
777...My stance would be similar to kvalidir's. I wouldn't put up with jealousy. The more you pander to someones jealousy and insecurities the more they will move the goal posts to get what they want. I would say 'like it or lump it, it's not up for discussion'
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