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kids or marriage first ??
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For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.what's acceptable is being part of a strong family unit, and working together to raise children to be good, decent people. Getting married first is no guarantor that this will happen. I'd sooner see a loving family 'living in sin' (as Queen Victoria would've put it) than an unhappy family who have done things 'the right way' by getting married first etc.
It's totally up to you and your partner. If you feel marriage is important, then do that first. What children need is a strong, committed, respectful family atmosphere to grow up in.....they don't care whether their parents have a marriage certificate or not, they just want to be loved, cherished and feel safe. What's acceptable or not really doesn't come into it....only what you and your partner find acceptable.
My partner and I were together for 13 years before we had our first child. We've never even considered getting married. Marriage seems as relevant to us and our lives as religion does (ie totally irrelevant) and we both know that no piece of paper or ceremony is going to change what we have. As someone once said, "I've never yet come across a bit of paper that can change how two people feel about each other".
I do find it patronising and slightly offensive that some still think children should only be borne in wedlock.....like that's some sort of guarantee and the only way of "doing things properly". It'd be funny if it wasn't so tragically deluded.
If you are going to be together long term and are so sure of this that you are ready to have children on that basis, then why would you want to get married at all?
Once you have really decided and agreed on why it is that you would want to get married, then you both can decide whether you should do it before or after you have children.
Getting married isn't an expensive thing to do. It doesn't require fabbo dress, expensive reception, exotic honeymoon. You are right, (if I have correctly understood your reason for wanting to delay) you can do/have those things at any point and it may indeed be sensible to delay them until you can afford it BUT those things are nothing at all to do with what it means to be married.
No it was not just marrying to change your name. Its just that I come from the generation where it was not very acceptable to have children and not be married. There were not very many single mums about either. I realise this is the new generation my own daughter is not married but she has children. It's just a bit diffucult to move with the times on some subjects but as you say its all up to the individuals. It was interesting reading other peoples thoughts
thanks for all your feedback, I think you're all right in some way or another and like you all say its up 'us' not anyone else! parents will always have their views on whatever their children do I guess but my major problem is that my mum is religious and I am not! oh well will have to like whatever I do or lump it!
thanks again- keep the debate going :)
I come from the same generation as Maggie. For me marriage is about making a public committment to my partner, kids or not.
I think that it is really important to think hard about whether or not you are going to stay together before you have kids together. That in no way is to diss single parents, and things sometimes don't work out according to plan, but they do have a harder job and if there is a nasty split as well, custody arrangements etcet, then IMHO that cannot be what is best for kids regardless of how carefully it is handled.
Having said that, I have knowm 3 couples close to me, who have kids, split up, 2 were married and one was not!.....incidentally all the men had jobs where they spent long periods away from home abroad..........