Relationship advice please....

[boozie80]

Hi! I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year, everything is going really well but there is part of me that doesn't trust him - because I have been cheated on once before really badly.  Anyway, I did something terrible last night and looked through the messages on his phone - and now I really really wish I hadn't.

I found one saved on his phone from someone I've never heard him talk about before and it said:

"I'm sending you pictures of Lisa, Sarah's mate.  Her number is ........ Be discreet cos she lives in a shared house, say you got her number from an ad."

I have to say something about this, but just want to know people's views on:

1.  The fact that I went through his phone, how would you feel if your partner did that to you

2.  How to approach him about this....I love him so much but can't bury my head in the sand if he is shagging other people, especially when he is doing it with strangers...or am I jumping to conclusions too quickly...

Please help me, I feel totally sick!!

[davidicus]

mobile phone messages have caught out so many cheating boy/girl friends. If people in a relationship have nothing to hide they would share openly any messages received or not be receiving messages at all. Can one really have a private life with secrets and be in a relationship as well? Good luck.

[I_Tried]

Well Well Well Another relationship issue. How many there are is unbeleivable.

Anyway to try and answer your question,

I personally think that someone who has been cheated on will always feel not insecure but cautious in their next relationship. So I think it was normal of you to feel the mistrust until you get to know someone really well, even then it can't be guaranteed that infidelity won't creep in.

With regards to you looking into his phone the way i would approach this matter considering you have been together a year I would say to him OPENLY AND FRANKLY that you didn't trust him and instead of you talking to him you looked at his messages and found that partcular message at the same time admit you was wrong in doing so but also stress that being together for a year you would have thought that there was  trust between himself and you and you had nothing to hide, but apparently he did.

See how he responds to this and being very honest with you Boozie80 my personal opinion is wether you love him deeply or not most people who are involved in infidelity will do it again without hesitation( Isaid Most before all you girlies bite my head off) so therefore If I was you I would tell him to sling his hook and for yourself I say look for someone else and tell him exactly  what has happened in the past with you and how you wouldn't tolerate that kind of stupidity.

I used to go out with a girl (we split up after awhile and not because of that) who was similar to you in that she thought I was "playing away" so she looked at my phone without my knowledge and found nothing on it at all and just to put her at rest whenever I got a message I would show it to her to allay her fears, but we fell apart cos guess what she went behind my back. life and relationships how funny they are.

Well Booze hope its helped if not I tried xxxx

[andy hughes]

Tough call. he could be upset, with some justification, that you 'spied' on him - but that is more than balanced by the fact that he has something to hide.

From experience - you need to talk this over very frankly, and see what his reactions are. Confront him calmly, and try not to loose your temper. He will be angry - from guilt - and you may need to have a 'cooling off' period while you both calm down, and then talk it over again. i hope you can get past this - given your previous experience, this doesn't help you to trust him does it? Please let us know how you get on.

[metagirl]

i'm not gonna say that looking thru your partner's phone is natural, but I do it sometimes and I don't even consider myself the jealous type. i just don't trust his "friends".

in any case, he shouldn't get angry with you if he truly understands you and your feelings. BUT he will definately get angry with you if you catch him out and he's been cheating or contemplating cheating.

you should definately bring this up with him because if he is shagging other girls than he is at risk of giving you an STD - which you have every right of being concerned and ****** off about.

remember, people in good and healthy relationships don't have secrets between them.  

[boozie80]

Thanks for all your views on this.  I don't feel like I can talk to any of my friends about this, mainly because I'm ashamed that I might have let this happen to me again - I just feel like a total mug.

After being with someone else for 5 years and totally trusting him and having it all thrown back in my face it has been really hard for me to try and trust someone again.  I just really don't want to go through all that hurt and pain again...but best to know now then lull myself into a false sense of security only for it to all go wrong again I suppose

If my fears are right and he has done something behind my back, I'm going to have to leave - which is going to be so hard.

I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again...

[Octavius]

1.  Well sometimes you can't help the things that you receive.  A few months ago I received several 'dodgey' texts and at the first instance showed them to my partner and discussed them as I didn't know why I had received them.  There are some text messages that I don't want her to see though, and these are more to do with private things such as a surprise for her, a mates personal probs etc etc, nothing illicit.

2.  Don't assume that he is shagging someone because of one text.  Approach with caution, how would you feel if someone had read your private info?  Don't ask him about the text message, just ask him about the relationship in general and talk about things that bother you, try to get reassurance.  If afterwards you feel you can't trust him then this needs to be discussed.  Accusing someone outright will just make them defensive and poush them further away, you need to be sure of your facts.  Does your situation enable a casual enquiry of Lisa if so does he twitch, lose eye contact or get all uppety?  If so, then maybe you should become more direct after this.

[I_Tried]

Boozie am  always free to talk to but the choice is yours no pressures xx

[andy hughes]

hello again boozie80, I  had to write again because I was disturbed by your response to the answers you have had.

You must not under any circumstances see this situation as being in any way your 'fault'.

I can fully understand that you have felt it hard to trust anyone again after your previous experience, but a repeat of such bad behaviour is not a reflection on you as an individual, or as a partner.

Sadly, these things do happen, and if yoiur boyfriend tries, however subtley, to lay any of the blame at ytour door, you should chop him off at the ankles!

I am so sorry this has happened to you again, but you should put it down to experience, and not try and see it as some sort of indication that you are a flawed human being.

I hope that your b/f's explanation is innocent, if not, he needs to be shown the door - you are worth more than this - believe it, and keep on believing it. We are here if you need to talk some more. 

[muses_queen]

Hi Boozie, you could take a different approach and check his messages again in a few days time..... the bit that says be discreet because she lives in a shared house is weird... why does she need to hide anything from flatmates? and why say you got her number from an Ad? why would she be advertising? I wouldn't immediately assume they are having an affair, it sounds more like she's a strip-a-gram...does he have any parties planned?

 

I have also checked my boyfriends phone before when he became distant. I did find messages from a girl but I eventually met her and her boyfriend! I felt a bit silly.