How Far Do You Go To Keep The Peace In The Family

[nailit]

Im now estranged from certain family members after years of giving and getting nothing back (except abuse/accusations of one kind or another). When my father was alive, it was always the case of do anything rather than rock the boat. But ive just come to the conclusion (since he died several years ago) that you don't have to be there for people that really don't give a *f* about you even if they ARE family.

Im now 51 and have had to disengage myself from one of my sisters and her kids. Me and her partner have had numerous punch-ups (and its usually been over HIS violence towards my sister...me been the protective brother) and yet somehow, I end up been the one in the wrong.
Ive now just had to cut off the dead wood and call it a day. This idea of blood is thicker than water is a load of cobblers to me now.

Just trying to make sense of where I'm at, at the mo I suppose.
How do other ABers deal with family?
Thanks.

[Prudie]

I have avoided confrontation with my family like the plague because unlike them who can have repeated huge rows and periods of not speaking and then putting it all behind them I just can't do this. Once I've had a row things are never the same for me, I don't forgive easily if at all. So (especially now my mum is passed) I don't mix with my family (apart from 1 step-sister). Agree with the cobblers comment. It's also why I'm very reserved on here, although I have acquired a list :-)

[Mamyalynne]

There hasn't been and still isn't very much discord within my family, I have always been the peacemaker but that has largely involved petty things.

[anneasquith]

You appear to have made you're decision nailit, move on .

[Sqad]

Nailit.
I work out where my main responsibility lies and everything else would be and is, purely secondary and that includes close family.....especially close family. Mistakes causing the conflicts are on both sides, but the underlying basis is Mrs sqad (or whoever) predominates.
I can live with this and i sleep well every night and i agree with Prudie and you the phrase "blood is thicker than water" may and does work for some, but NOT for sqad.

[Old_Geezer]

Ok. But if your family doesn't stick up for you, who will ? Folk are stronger together than alone.

[nailit]

Thanks for replies, appreciate it.
Perhaps its a middle aged thing...and I don't post my entire life on here...but recently ive just HAD to sack certain family members off out of my life. Im fortunate enough to have some really good lifelong friends who've stuck by me through all sorts (and me by them) but why am I expected to stand by 'family' just because they are 'family'?
One example is my sister

[ummmm]

In general my family are really close. My sister though tried to kick me when I was down when my dad was dying. After his funeral I stopped contact with her....not the kids though, I've always stayed in contact with the kids (adults now)

My family are very protective but they'll never get involved with an on going relationship. It causes fall outs. The day she leaves an abusive partner is the day you stick up for her. Pointless doing so if she's going to go back to him.

[Patsy33]

My Mum's family were always close and not much trouble. My Father's side were all a bit distant and fell out with each other regularly. My sister can be a challenge sometimes but like Mamya, I've always been the peacemaker.

[nailit]

Grrr, what is up with AB, I was still typing.
One example is my sister. She was in a psych hospital 20 yrs ago, I visited everyday. I ended up in a psych hospital a few yrs ago and didn't get so much as a text. Recently found out that she was slagging me off to all and sundry when I was in hospital.
And this after having my nose broke by her partner for defending her...
I give up with family. Ill stick to my mates...

[Baldric]

I blew out my In Laws, Mrs B's Stepmother and Father about 15 years ago, we moved to Kent to be near them, he was ill.
From day one they tried to control what we did until one night I politly told them to get out and stay out. After that Mrs B visited them, I did not and they didn't come to us. Both departed now, I did not attend their Funerals.
Rest of family are fine ;o)

[maggiebee]

I have not spoken to either of my brothers for many years. Started way back when they totally ignored their father (my dad). OK, he wasn't always an easy man to live with but he did his best with very little. He was 95 when he died and neither of my brothers had seen him for 10 years. The youngest decided he would like some of the "old man's things" and I said if he met me at dad's house he could take what he wanted. He had to ask for my dad's address! Have never seen either of them since the funeral in January 2001 and that suits me just fine.

[nailit]

Baldric, How did it work out with you not attending their funerals whilst Mrs B did? How did other family members take it?
This is a bit close to home for me at the mo?

[Eleena]

I keep my distance with some. Once you get past the hurt, it's easy. I too sleep at night.

[Cloverjo]

Like maggiebee, certain members of my extended family took advantage after my granny died by taking what they wanted from her flat before my mum had a chance to sort anything out. We don't have anything to do with them now.

With regards to close family like children, parents and siblings, we might occasionally have the odd angry word but it's over and forgotten in no time.

[nailit]

Thanks to other replies BTW,
Glad its not just me...

[woofgang]

I think the answer to that is “It depends” I decide what is right and get on with it. I agree with Sqad when my DH was alive, he came first. I hung myself out to dry once many many years ago to resolve a family argument and to this day I think it was the right thing to do. On a different occasion I did something different even though it was a dagger in my heart to do it but to this day I still think it was the least bad option and I could not have done anything else. People who continually break my trust though can go to hell whoever they are.

[Prudie]

When my stepfather died, who had been married to my mother for 22 years, 2 of his 3 adult daughters came into the marital home within 1 week of the funeral and put stickers on furniture and ornaments they believed were his before my mother had moved in with him. I had never experienced such sickening greed for such little things.

[ducksie]

I blame the Waltons, the Brady Bunch and all the other claptrap we were fed as kids, I have one wonderful sister, I like the others, I like their children, I wouldn't want to spend too much time with them but my sister that comes home regularly, I wish she was here all the time

[nailit]

//put stickers on furniture and ornaments they believed were his before my mother had moved in with him//
God, I despair at peoples greed. I really do.

[Eleena]

Why should family be any different to non family?, as people, we're all different in our likes and dislikes/ views/ intolerances. I used to have the naive idea that blood was thicker than water. Through the years you start to notice things that perhaps you don't agree with. May be I'm the intolerant one? Who knows.