Why Would She Lie To Me?

[renegadefm]

Not sure if anyone can help as it's a delicate subject, and ideally I was hoping to see how a woman would respond, but here goes. 

Back in 1987 my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with one of my mates.

I didn't find this out until after she broke up with me. Her reasons for breaking up with me was she reckoned we were too young to get too serious. 

Admittedly we were only 18 at the time, but in hindsight obviously she had other reasons, and one was she was sleeping with my mate before we broke up, so affectively she was sleeping with both me and my mate.

The plot thickens, now because by Christmas that year another friend of mine said did I know my ex is actually pregnant, and had been for a few months, to which I dated back to when we were still together. 

Of course by now alarm bells are ringing in my ears, could the baby be mine, so I agonised about what to do, baring in mind I had not spoken or seen my ex since we broke up. 

Weeks of agony went by then I thought I will pay my ex a visit, so I did. We started chatting quite good, once we got past how the weather was and small talk, I politely asked could the baby be mine, and she quickly and rather bluntly said no, not a chance. 

To which I asked when is the baby due, she said early April, then doing the maths in my head, it took me back to when she was sleeping with both of us, baring in mind I didn't know that she was seeing both of us then. 

By now I could see she was getting a bit anxious and irritated I was even there, so I finished my coffee and wished her all the best and left. 

All these years have gone by and it's always been nagging me could the baby had been mine. 

Of course the baby is now a 35 year old man. 

Lots of years have past now, and I haven't seen my ex since that day when I asked her could the baby be mine. 

Then recently I came across my ex's Facebook profile, mainly because she's mutual friends with one of friends.

I started browsing her pics, and too my horror I seen her son, both as a new born baby and how he looks as an adult. And my God he looks like me. 

He certainly doesn't look like my then mate, so it looks more like he's my son. But how can I prove it as by now we have all moved on, I have my own family and so does she. 

But it goes back to my original question why did she try to keep all this from me, and say the child wasn't mine, why would a woman do that? 

[Prudie]

"why would a woman do that?" -- bluntly because it maximised her chance of breaking all ties with you, which she seems to have been able to do, at least until now.

The majority of people of your age are not with the person that they were in a relationship with when they were 18.

[andy-hughes]

No-one on here can answer that question, regardless of their gender. 

You can do one of two things. 

Possibly ruin several lives by proving paternity, which results in nothing bur damage for all concerned. 

Or do the sensible thing, and leave well alone.

Strangers don't deserve to have their lives destroyed just to satisfy your pet obsession. 

Move on, leave this alone, or it will end in tears.

[bhg481]

Wise words, andy.

[renegadefm]

Prude. 

Yeah I get she obviously didn't particularly want to be with me any longer, we we're only together about 8 months anyway. 

But to so convidently say it's not my baby I always found baffling. 

But cutting ties with me is one thing, but when there was a baby involved is another thing. 

I have a right to know as a potential father don't I? 

[barry1010]

You have no right to disrupt that man's life, son or not.

Stop brooding and leave well alone

[naomi24]

It's not all about you so leave well alone.  If the man is your son and he wanted you in his life he'd have made the effort to find you.  

[renegadefm]

Andy-Hughes. 

I'm not going to do anything about it, it would do more damage than good. 

But put yourself in my shoes, I have carried this around with me for over 35 years now, and I always wondered if I was the Dad, but to see him for the first time recently and he looks like me, it just takes me back to why she would lie to me about something that was always at risk of coming out. 

[andy-hughes]

Your rights as a potential father are more than eclipsed by the rights of strangers not to have their lives ruined by finding out that lifelong truths are not true any more.

Look at what you stand to gain - a son who may hate you for spending his entire existence, a past friend who will hate you more, fir the same reason. 

Weigh that against your 'right to know' and see if it feels worth it.

Leave this alone, it will end in tears,  and only some, and not most, will be yours.

[renegadefm]

I'm not going to do anything about it. 

Besides he wouldn't have come looking for me as he probably doesn't know any different. She probably told him his father is the other guy. 

 

What has always puzzled me is to lie about something that had the risk of coming out was a bit foolish. 

Okay it's taken 35 years for me to see his pictures, but that could have happened long ago, or someone could have seen him and told me, hey they chap looks like me, all sorts could have leaked out by now. 

[barry1010]

I'll be blunt.  You are not the dad, you have never been a father to this man

The most you could be is the sperm donor.  Being a dad is much more than that

 

[renegadefm]

Trust me I won't try and find him, or dig anything up, too many years have passed. 

Your right it wouldn't help anyone. 

But rewind back to 1987,or 88 when he was born, should I have been told the truth then? 

[naomi24]

The question is why would she lie to you?  The short answer, albeit harsh, is because she didn't want you in her life or in the life of her son.  For all you know, if he is your son, she may have made him aware of your identity.  Whichever way you would  be wrong to intrude.  

[renegadefm]

barry1010. 

Thats a fair point, I never was his father. 

But then neither was the other guy, because that relationship broke down aswell while she was pregnant, he done a runner the minute he knew she was pregnant. 

Thats why it baffled me why she insisted the baby was his. Especially as I would have been there and supported her and the baby, but I didn't get that chance. 

Bit ironic really, she wanted me to think the baby was his to cut all ties with me and be a single parent, it didn't make sense at the time. 

[andy-hughes]

Renegade  - We have cross-posted, I am pleased you are doing what I believe is the right thing.

As to your question, you have to leave that  as well.

Your girlfriend did what she thought was right at the time, and you have to respect,  and live, with that.

[renegadefm]

Thanks for all your help. 

It has helped me realise if she did keep the truth from me, it was to make sure I didn't keep pestering her to get back with her, which I probably would have done. 

Kinda makes sense now. 

It doesn't clear the pain of knowing more than likely the question of if the child was mine or not is actually more likely he is. 

Not sure how I will mentally deal with that. Probably take it with me to my grave. 

[Togo]

Your "mate" may well be wondering too. He must also know that the young man resembles you. There are other ramifications that come with this particular wicked sort of deceit. What if the children of this young man end up in a relationship with your children? There are known medical and congenital dangers that can result from close family interbreeding.   

[renegadefm]

Togo, 

I don't think my then mate cared because he done a runner once he knew she was pregnant, so I doubt he even knows the son.

I don't even know where my ex's son lives, she moved to a different part of the country about 30 years ago.

I only recently seen pics of him on Facebook and let's just say he looks exactly like how I did at his age. 

Not even sure if he has children or anything. 

[jackthehat]

She might have been firmly convinced that your mate was the father. Knowing the exact date of conception is a bit of a hit and miss affair....she could have other reasons to believe this.

She might have convinced herself that he was the most likely candidate based on a set of criteria known only to her.

She might have plumpled for the least worst option in terms of you and your mate.

She might have decided she wanted neither of you in her/her childs' life and thought that you would want to hang around if you believed you were the father.....so she said it was your mates child becasue she knew he was flakey and would run away.

Whatever her reasons were she never came after you for support either emotionally or financially and you have never established a bond with the young man.

Just put it out of your mind as you will never receive any answer and you'll only drive yourself potty if you don't let it go.

[LadyCG]

I'm sorry you have been denied the right to be a father all these years, if the child (now adult) is biologically yours. 

Personally I think you would have every right to get to know him, but proving paternity is the difficult part and you would undoubtedly be met with some serious hostility from your ex. 

This must have been an awful burden to live with all these years. Does your wife / partner know about this?

[naomi24]

The person in question is now a grown man - in his 30s.  Parental 'rights' don't come into it.