Son in trouble at school

[lizwizz]

My nearly 9 year old son has recently been getting into trouble at school. He's had 2 'red cards' (for bad behaviour after 2 yellows) in 2 consecutive days. Although he's had the odd one before he's never had so many red and yellows in such a short space of time. The school is concerned that he is doing things to impress certain children who we would rather he didn't associate with (because of their behaviour). We think that he is not particularly happy at school because his teacher is appalling (we complained her some time ago) and he is not motivated to work for her. We also think he has some sort of dyslexia (tests have come out as borderline) and no-one has yet worked out how to deal with it. Thats not to excuse his behaviour, but I'm torn between being cross with him and wanting to do something to help him - but what??

[tigerthecat]

What are the school doing to address this? I had a fantastic Headteacher who would say if a child wasn't doing what you wanted 'what had you (the teacher)not done or anticipated'? This isn't what most teachers expect but as it made us all think about what needed to happen to support each child in our class. Was it the lesson, the style of teaching/learning, the pace, the resources. Did the child need a particular kind of motivation to do the right thing? I was very lucky to land in her school. However, my good experience I know it far out weighed by the poor experience for many others. I would be asking for a meeting with the teacher and senco to discuss what difficulties your son has then narrowing them down to the three most trublesome and putting a strategy in place to enable him to overcome his difficulties. I also suggest that your son is part of that meeting so that he knows what the issues are. He may be able to shed some light on why they are happening that none of the adults will be aware of. Your attitude should be of supporting your son and the school to achieve the best for him. As educational proffessionals we are here to do just that, we sometimes loose sight of it. Go in have a conversation with the Head/Deputy explain that you have struggled to devlop a relationship with his teacher but that you do want to discuss what can be done for your son. When you have had the meeting arrange for a timetabled follow up a week later and then two weeksafter this and then three weeks if all is going well. You have to advocate for your son so that he remains happy and motivated in school. Good luck:-)

[lizwizz]

Thanks tiger. He's not really keen to talk, but has implied he feels hard done by to get his last red. (not much sympathy from me there!) We have regular meetings anyway as he struggles with literacy and have discussed ways to help him concentrate, but none of it seems to have had much effect. I think what upsets me most is the effect it has on his self esteem. He writes notes to us which say 'I am stupid and rubbish' after he gets these red cards. That makes me feel like I'm letting him down.

[tigerthecat]

You say none has had much effect? What has been done? When is he getting the cards - what is the pattern? Has some analysis of his behaviour or difficulties taken place. I always recommend keeping a two week chart which maps what was happening befoer, at the time and the consequence. A teacher no matter how good jumps to conclusions about what she thinks has/is happened and whats needed is proper research to make judgements on.

[stubbings]

Bear in mind the possibility that his behaviour deterioration in school might be because something outside school is upsetting him - has anything happened in his life that might account for his changed behaviour - a new baby, a loss, bereavement, separation, even bullying by someone ? Could he be feeling bad about himself because he is realising that others can do their schoolwork easier ?

9 year olds do start to see more of what is going on around them and compare their circumstances with others.

Don't be afraid to disapprove and deal with any bad behaviour, but at the same time stress your unconditional love for him as a person. And emphasise the things you DO want him to do - we all tend to find it easy to say what we don't want, but harder to spell out what we expect.

It is really important to try to get him to talk about what is bothering him so that you can help find a solution. Timing & location can be all important ! If you can establish a relationship where it is ok to talk about the way he feels, this will stand you in good stead for the teenage years to come.

There is lots of advice on the net about how parents can help a child with learning difficulties, but my wild guess is the behaviour at school might be a reflection of something on his mind that he needs to talk more openly about... and you are probably the best person to do that with him.