Why do they do it?

[Sasha13]

Why do blokes suggest spending time with you one day (i.e. going on holiday together in a few months, going to the gym to work out regularly together) and then the next day (or even the same day) tell you they don't want a relationship?

[teag1rl]

because they're spineless cretins?

[DaisyD]

read "Bridget Jones's diary". It doesn't contain the answer to this particular enigma, but it might make you feel better.

[Sasha13]

It's not a plea for sympathy - serious question!!!!

[Eve]

Is this a guy you're in a relationship with or someone that you'd like to have one with?

If the former I think you both need to sit down and have a talk about what you both want and how you both feel and let him know how you see his mixed messages.

If the latter then maybe it's his way of saying he loves spending time with you but doesn't want it to progress to an actual relationship.

Some more info might help us give some better advice though :) x

[Sasha13]

Two separate guys, one suggested going on holiday together in a years time (sisters wedding) for which he would pay (which I very politely refused -him paying, not the holiday). 2 days later started ignoring me, then next day said it wasn't going to work out. Second guy, seeing a little bit of, nothing serious, suggested spending time together (like in gym) then we had the chat and he said he wouldn't mind still seeing me, but doesn't want a relationship. Not going to say to him now 'why did you say that when...' as there seems little point - it's not going to change his mind!

Honestly not feeling sorry for myself (well, a little bit!) but I just don't understand why they make these declarations saying they want to spend time with you/enjoy your company when clearly they don't. I wouldn't dream of sending someone such mixed messages if I was about to tell them I wasn't up for a relationship!!

Thanks for all your answers so far! x

[DaisyD]

Sounds like you've had some really bad luck with blokes. They're not all like that! I don't know if there's any particular reason why these two have behaved like this, they're probably just not sure what they want? Or else they get some sort of kick out of messing people around.
If you're being totally straight-forward with them (and it sounds like you are) then its not your fault at all - better luck next time! Hopefully the next man you go out with will be more emotionally evolved!!

[Sasha13]

In A Pickle - thanks for your answer - and in there lies another question. With the second guy he has made it plain that he would be qiuite happy getting together every so often (apparently going out for drinks and things as well as sex) but isn't interested in a relationship. He's going away for a year in July, hence my not thinking it was ever going to be anything serious. So the 'next' question has two parts. Why talk about doing non sexual things like going to the gym (and also going to a gig next month + other stuff) when all he wants is sex?? Am I letting him think that he is in charge by sleeping with him every so often without demanding a relationship, or am I being used????

And also how then do women stand a chance of separating the nice guys (who bore me anyway, frankly) from the guys who just want a **** if they have to put up with them just wanting sex for who knows how long until they make a decision (sp?) (usually 'no') about something more serious!!!

Why can't blokes think about what they're saying and the impression it gives to someone else????!!!!!

AAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

[Eve]

I think some men can be much better at separating the emotional fromthe physical when it comes to sex, can go along as friends who sleep together and have some fun.

If it's not what you want then be honest about it and don't be tempted to sleep with them in the hope that it will go further as it it is going to progress it will anyway.

Being honest will let him know where you stand and make sure you're not giving off any misleading signals. He seems to have been quiet straight about what he wants but it makes it difficult if you're not especially if you are sleeping with him in the hope of a relationship.

As for separating the nice guys then take things slowly and don't sleep with them straightaway, if they like you and want to take things further then they'll respect that and it avoids any confusion about what each of you want.

Hope this helps :)

[Sasha13]

I think I should point out (not in response to any one particular post) that I certainly haven't placed any demands on this man. On the contrary, I told him 'at some stage we needed a conversation as to whether our relationship was sex or something more' but that I didn't want anything from him immediately. He then came to me two weeks later to say he wanted the conversation I had suggested and said he wasn't up for a relationship)

Sorry, know I'm ranting now and not really ranting at him... just hate not being able to trust my own judgement!!!