bf and smoking/drugs

[jen85]

i am so confused and frankly need some advice hence coming on here. my bf used to smoke when he met me and dabbled with weed and coke. i made my feelins clear about this from the start as i have lost some of my family through smoking illnesses. in all fairness he took this board and decided to quit for me. i thought and still think that i have found the man of my dreams. however on a few occassions since he has admitted to me that when he is out with his mates and has a bit to drink he has a smoke. on each occasion he has promised me this would be it and he wouldn't again. anyway saturday night we went out and both got incredibly wasted. he admitted to me that he has done coke a few times since we started going out, the last time being on friday night. i hate anything to do with smoking and drugs that much that iv always said from the start that if he chooses to do this then i dont want to be part of it so i wouldnt be able to stay with him. fair enough he has cut down loads because of what i initially told him when we first got together but to me for someone to tell me that he will stop and then do it again later on down the line and lie to me, is very disrespectful. i have told him he can continue on doing what he is doing if he wants too but out of respect for me i would like to know because i have already lost/am losing other familiy members through such a habit that i can't bare to watch him do it too. today he swears he will never touch the stuff again if it makes me happy but i dont think i can trust him because he has told me this before. surely he shouldnt want to stop just because of me but for him also. i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose him but i dont want a man who is involved with this type of lifestyle, whether it be an addiction or in his case every now and then when he goes and gets drunk. especially seen as we have spoken of marriage and kids. i dont want my kids growing up with a dad that does this type of thing. am i being

[Goodsoulette]

He's been honest with you. If you want someone with the same opinion as you on these matters you should find someone else. Holding him to ransom on something he does occasionally is only going to push him away anyway.

You already said you both got incredibly wasted. Why is how he does it of importance?

[fine,thanks]

you may be in danger of loosing this relationship because of your high demands.

[jen85]

i understand that and thank him for being honest with me. then again he knew this from the start so why a year and a half down the line r we still having the same conversation! i may have high demands but i would guess that many people wouldn't stand for their loved one being involved in drugs. i keep forgiven him but its all getting a bit to much. having family members ill/dead because of smoking habits is enough but having a bf do it too, theres only so much a person can take. yes he is being honest but he has lied about it too. i would not have got this involved if i would have known but i did because i believed he would stop.

[tiny e.a]

He is of course well within his rights to do what he likes, but you're also well within your rights to object to it. The problem is that however much and however often you object you can't change him. Clearly he enjoys smoking and doing drugs and if he hasn't given it up for you already I believe (though you know him and I don't) that he never will. He will only stop doing these things when and if he wants to do it for himself.

You are certainly not being unreasonable to want him to stop doing this but if he doesn't want to what are you going to do? It's really up to you now to decide whether you can stay with the man you love and take him for what he is and what he does, even if it goes against your wishes, or if his habits cause you so much distress that you feel it is best to finish.

[Skreecheeboy]

I wouldn't advocate taking up doing drugs but if he's happy to do it, what difference is it to you? I'm guessing you are both fairly young so I would suggest that if you do end up getting married and having kids, he's going to want to get it out of his system before then! That's my game plan anyway! I think you should just let him get on with it, trust that your fella's big enough to look after himself and start being a girlfriend rather than a concerned parent towards him. He obviously has put a lot of trust in your relationship to tell you and if you start moaning at him he's just going to stop telling you about it in future.

[jen85]

iv just spoken to him about it on the phone. told him that he has a right to do what he wants but let me know his intentions. if he wants to continue then im out of the relationship because its only fair that im with someone that makes me happy. if not then ill stand by him and give him the benefit of the doubt this time. last chance. he has said that he wont do it again and wants to stay with me. lets hope it lasts! i really hope he means it this time!

[Goodsoulette]

Just a question, how would you feel if he asked you to stop eating cakes and chocolate because he doesn't want you to gt fat and unhealthy and die early? He doesn't want the mother of his children to be unable to run around after his kids or to explain to them that she died because of heart disease.

or if he asked you to stop going out and getting wasted? Or he was out of the relationship........ Would you stop?

[jen85]

i see your point dont get me wrong! i understand where everyone is coming from but drugs are a different matter and r dangerous. fair enough excessive eating is also and if i did do that (which i don't) then i would understand where he was coming from and that he was telling me for my own good. surely cakes and chocolate can not be compared to the dangers of taking drugs!!!

[earsugar]

are you laying down the law like this at 22, jesus what are you going to be like when your 40?

It seems its my way or the highway (no pun intetended) Are you expecting a baby? if not then why are you putting barriers in the way of each others fun, you don't get these years back you know, live a little ,go nuts, there is time to be sensible and its not 22.

[Goodsoulette]

but drinking till you are wasted is more dangerous than having a smoke.

[Skreecheeboy]

Sounds to me like she has approached him quite sensibly and aired her worries to her man quite well actually. Of course she's going to fret about him as she has been told about the dangers of drugs before and has based her judgment on that. I genuinely believe that her man doesn't want to take drugs again, at the moment. I often have those same feelings of epiphany but it doesn't mean there will never be a time (for me), it just means that I can happily forget about them and enjoy/make the most of being sober/straight whenever it occurs. I know other people struggle with that sometimes but it sounds like her fella's quite good at it and is genuine (at the moment). He's a lucky man to have somebody that cares about him to worry so much but as I firmly believe, taking them isn't a problem, needing to take them is. I'm sure you'll know if he ever crosses that line and if/ when it happens, then chuck him. Right now, it just sounds like he's experimenting a bit and there's probably no need to stress too much.

[jno]

You have every right to choose a prospective father for your kids carefully. But if you're getting wasted together he may well think he's getting confusing signals from you: wasted on alcohol is ok, wasted on coke isn't? Maybe you both need to think about your behaviour patterns. In the end it's up to you. If you think he's not fit father material, either don't have kids with him - or don't have him. You can't change his behaviour, and it doesn't really sound as if he's in any hurry to do so either.

[jen85]

im not laying down the law earsugar. as iv said before he can do what he wishes i just wish he would of made that clear before i go so involved. when i say we got wasted, i mean a bit drunk after a night out. that said this only occurs maybe once a month and often when we go out we have a few drinks and leave it at that. i agree that getting 'wasted' as i probably incorrectly worded it is wrong and that both alcohol and drugs r dangerous. drugs r always made out to sound alot worse though. i have told him i dont want to be a bore but i honestly do worry so much about him probably not helped by what has happened in my family in the past. i dont care if other people do it but i hate the fact that someone so close to me is hurting themselves. iv spoken to him about it and he is now reassuring me he doesnt want to do it again if it means losing me. fingers crossed he follows this through. im not being a nag really im not im just upset that he may be hurting himself.

[amidacious]

Its not easy to get off drugs. Maybe you should ask him if he needs help getting off them if the problem is bigger than he can handle.
It is disrespectful of him to lie to you. But i can see he just didnt want to hurt you. Make sure he truely cares for you. Will he put up a big fight for you if you ever left him? If not you know where you stand. Dont be afraid to ask cos its your time he's wasting. If its the real thing then this guy needs alot of help if your gonna stay with him. And he needs to know that! x

[aims1202]

goodsoulette has some good answers there! It sounds like he aint gonna stop doing what he does, he enjoys it and for him its no big deal. It doesnt sound as though he has a problem with drugs. I'm thinking he is just saying he will stop so you'll stay with him. If you dont like it then you dont really have much choice you shouldnt be with him.

[Skreecheeboy]

While the advice that we are given when we are younger is healthy preventative advice, it's often passed down by people not really in the know and drugs are often made out to be a lot worse than they actually are (not saying they're not bad of course) but if you'll have a look at the following list made up by scientists, based on the actual harm which can be caused by drugs you will probably see a difference with how they are portrayed to scare you off them and how they are portrayed to make you accept them, specifically you may wish to note that alcohol is placed 5th in the harm league table. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/5230006 .stm