Rough Patch

[MiniN]

I've been with my partner for 6years and we're going through a particularly rough patch at the moment. Its really getting me down.

Does anyone have any words of encouragement or know ways to get through this stronger?

thanks in advance x

[Octavius]

Ah, the 7 year itch?!

It really depends what you mean by a rough patch. Are you just not getting on, arguing a lot, no romance left, dwindling sex life, bored?

Of course these are the main ones, and can often be overcome with a little injection of �oomph� (from both sides). If things are grinding you down because of deeper issues then you may have to explore some form of counselling perhaps.

I am not asking you to tell all, merely trying to ascertain the level of roughness you seen your relationship, as advice could vary greatly.

Alternatively you might just be seeking nice love poems and some uplifting humour.....?

[MiniN]

well...my partner has a problem with telling the truth.

this has come up a few times over the years where he hasn't been truthful but recently I have found out that some of the lies date back to when we first got together and others are more recent. they usually centre around money issues (he hid a credit card debt for 4years, and could've paid it off but didnt) or its when he wants to get his own way and doesnt want to discuss it with anyone else.

I know that I need to be more understanding (im not an ogre...honestly!) but this is a habit he never grew out of from childhood.

he's the most 'honest' hard working, kind hearted guy really but just has trouble with telling the truth.

he's his own worse enemy and he knows it.

[Nosha123]

I think that you both need to sit and talk - and listen to each other and be honest - if you need to involve a mediator or counsellor (if he would!) then do - My hubby used to lie all the time about money and stuff and he is completely different now. He came from a ****** background and never quite saw the value of himself and our relationship. I think that you need to try to persuade him that you are not on opposite sides of the fence but are both on the same side - and its you two against the rest of the world.... get him to see you both as a team rather than an enemy...
If you talk to him - make sure that you listen when he talks. no interupting or criticism of each others views. Everyone is different. but you both just need to understand the others perspective more to realise the implications of what you do or say on the other.
I told hubby I woudl rather be told the truth than find out myself he had lied and that trust was the most important thing and if we didnt have that - we didn't have good foundations for our relationship.. but not said in a nagging way. He is now a great husband!!

[MiniN]

Nosha - your situation sounds alot like ours to be honest. i believe he wants to change, but then again, i always do.

what helped your husband get out of the habit of lying?

[MiniN]

Zacmaster - is it possible to rebuild the trust though? I know we could have a wonderful life together if we sorted things out.

[MiniN]

but the only way to know the cause is sorted is if we try to rebuild things and he never slips up again (obviously I wouldnt hold the odd white lie against him).

he's not doing it to be malicious or controlling, its just something he did whilst he was growing up (not a great family background) and hasnt shook the habit....yet(?)

[MiniN]

thanks In a Pickle. I really hope we can stay together. congrats on 35years - i hope we make it there too!

We both still have the same dreams for our future together. I just hope that this is the time that he is going to make a change. I have to try to trust him....although it is hard.

tonight we are going to have a proper talk, and hopefully that will give me some hope and make it all a bit clearer.

[Nosha123]

aah good luck tonight.. bear in mind tho that blokes tend to run a mile at the 'can we talk' opening line! so just keep it casual and conversational - and of course honest. I think the turning point for me and hubby came when the penny dropped and he reaslised that it was me and him on the same side battling for the same team and that we are much stronger together as a couple than on our own. I accept his flaws and he, mine and where one of us has a weakness is the others strength.
I would normally say that men cant and dont change had I not witnessed it for myself - so there is hope.
Dont pressure him too much - he has to find his own way thru it rather than you telling him how to - and maybe if he wont agree to counselling he would not object to you going on your own!
I am a different person too from years ago - and am much more patient and less 'nagging' than I used to be - I discovered that instead of trying to keep him on a tight leash - that if I let go... he would come back to me (in the poetic sense.. not in terms of straying!). He now has a sense of freedom and I have the faith that he is honest with me - and now we barely ever argue!
keep trying - it's worth it! and the trroubles you are facing have an awful lot to do with his crappy upbringing!!! Trust me I know!!!

[MiniN]

perhaps its a good sign that he suggested finding the time to sit down and talk things through? he knows how low i've been feeling lately.

i think counselling would be useful - if we could afford it, but sadly, we can't.

thanks Nosha - its really helped to hear that I'm not the only one who has been in this situation. sometimes you can feel so alone in it.

[MiniN]

thank you for you kindness....you've brought tears to my eyes.

x

[Octavius]

Well I go away for 5 minutes and you appear to have all the answers already, with a little help from some friends!

I hope you work things through MiniN. Good luck.

[Le Chat]

Why do YOU need to be more understanding when your bloke is a lying hound?
Surely honesty is a fundamental basic human quality needed for trust and the building and nurturing of a relationship.
Seems to me he is very childish and needs to grow up.
When you say "We're going through a particularly rough patch at the moment..." Your'e not! He is lying and has been found out. Nothing to do with 'we'...it's about him.