Making conversation

[lovefoolb4u]

Hello

Since I've come to uni, I feel like I've become such a boring and uninteresting person. Every conversation I have with someone feels really forced. I think it's because I feel under so much pressure to make friends. After a certain while, I can never think of anything to say and it's just an awkward silence!

My worst experience so far was last night at a ball, when I was talking to this guy I REALLY fancy, and it just felt so forced. I don't know how to relax! Anyway, he eventually stood up and went to ask another girl to dance. : \

How can I make people maintain interest with me? I'm finding it so hard to be myself, and I'm increasingly alienating myself. I feel like a bore, I'm just so unhappy at the moment, mainly because I feel really uninteresting, so it's just a vicious cycle! Everyone obviously thinks this is what I'm like, but I'm nothing like this at all.

What are some good conversation starters or something? I've lost all of my social skills. :-(

[sara3]

don't be so hard on yourself, you've just had a bad experience last night.

experience tells me that people love to talk about themselves (after all, they know what they're talking about) so give them that opportunity. ask about things they like or do, or stuff yo uknow you have in common. listen to what they say and see how it goes. join in, add your own opinions and experiences. of course, a person with good social skills will do the same to you, asking questions and showing an interest back.

but... if they just want to talk about themselves, it's probably time to move on.

there's a distinct lack of social skills out there, but it's probably not you.

[DungeonJayne]

Ask people about themselves, because ...

1. It makes them feel that you are interested in them.

2. It gives them an opportunity to open up to you.

3. It will make them want to know something about you too.

Just simple things ..

Hi, what are you studying?

How are you finding it so far?

Where is home for you?

Where are you living here at Uni?

Have you joined any sports clubs yet?

Just simple stuff like that. Look at them as they answer, nod and tilt your head in an inquisitive manner, and ... if he says anything at all that also applies to you ... touch him!! Just put the palm of your hand on his arm and say "Oh hey, I know exactly what you mean" (or whatever).

[BillySugger]

Get drunk , usually helps

[jen78]

Take the pressure off yourself to make friends and concentrate on making yourself happy in your own company.

I'm happy in my own company and can quiet happily go do things on my own and don't need anyone around me to feel secure so it makes it far easier to get talking to people.

If you get yourself out and about doing stuff that you enjoy which is not dependant on you having other people to do things with then you're likely to have loads of stuff to talk about as well.

Getting involved in stuff at uni is very easy as there's always stuff going on and plenty of opportunities to help out and volunteer with things like charity and voluntary work and all the sports and hobbies and other societies.

By doing something you enjoy you will tend to find more people you're on the same wavelength with and who you have things in common with so conversations will be so much easier.

If all else fails then just make random conversation. Chances are that most people new to uni will have insecurities.

Good conversation things for being at uni can also be where people come from and what kind of stuff that they have got involved in since getting here.

Ask how they're finding things and if they've found any good places round town they can recommend like bars or places to eat. Asking about bars and cinemas and such could also being up opportunities for you agreeing to go try somewhere out together :)

[andy-hughes]

Sound advice thus far.

Try and remember, this is new to everyone, and while everyone may seem to be making friends and being windswept and interesting, they are just as insecure and unsure as you are in their own private moments.

Relax, and don't feel under pressure to 'drive' any conversation you have - just go with the flow. Not every stranger gells with other strangers in a new situation, it is all part of the first few weeks of uni life - and it will pass!

Promise!

[Sachs]

Which Uni lovefool?

[lovefoolb4u]

a uni in Aberdeen called Robert Gordon. Why?

[lovefoolb4u]

and jen78, when you say "make random conversation", what do you mean?

Thanks for all advice so far!

[catcuddler]

hi lovefool i know how you feel.although i havent been to uni when i left schooli only had 1 friend and we grew apart so i felt daunted by trying to make new friends.if you are anything like me during the silence your heart pounds tour palms sweat and you want the ground to swallow you up.if your stuck for convo try somehting simple like great/rubbish weather we are having is it too hot/cold for you personally i like it hot/cold.sounds boring but every1 has an opinion on weather.when your feeling like a bore remember most people feel the same as you at some point and tell yourself your a good person and theres no reason why anyone would find you boring.i know its easier said that done but its worked for me.also honesty sometimes helps.saying for example i always seem to clam up when i meet someone new but i seem to be starting to relax with you.this tells the person how you feel but also makes them feel good too
hope this helps

[jen78]

Something about where you are, use your surroundings as inspiration, one thing you have in common is you're both there.

Little fillers can be things like saying you love/hate the song on at the time, commenting on the night, other people etc... It can also act as a distraction from having to speak as you're both still engaged but in listening or watching something else.

Asking if they saw a certain TV programme or film, just things which can strike up further conversation. Ask about their last holiday.

Ask who they came with or are here with.

You can also comment on what they are wearing, more so with the same sex, comment on some clothing or jewellery you like, may lead to a suggestion you could go out shopping together.

Try learning to get a relaxed confidence when out and not engaged in conversation. Relax and smile (just not like a maniac) and try not to look uncomfortable by looking at your feet, fidgetting etc...

Finding something to watch can be good to daydream, whatever works for you - remember, you can be your own best company.

[mandimoo]

if its any consolation, i still feel like this at 37 years old. the advice i would give myself, if only i would listen, would be "be true, and fear not"..... in other words, you need to be YOURSELF, be that shy or quiet or whatever.... if you be false, you wont end up with compatible friends, thus feeding your sense of being unable to fit in. big brother has alot to answer for when only outrageous, bullying types seem to be successful.