Why is it harder for some than others?

[pips1]

I feel so angry, I've tried SO hard to move on after a truly horrible divorce some years ago. I lost everything due to bad advice and even worse solicitors. I was the innocent party and absolutely everyone, including the judge, could not understand how it all happened! The problem is I still can't believe how someone you have shared your life with and had children by can put you through all this pain. I still hurt and he is happy, other people move on and overcome things, why can't I?

[Rosetta]

I would guess that as you feel that you were the injured party the feeling that it was all unfair adds to your feelings of anger and hurt. The problem is that while you hold on to these feelings, no doubt partly unconsciously, that the other party continues "to win".

Life can be unfair and it takes even more courage to overcome this. But you are doing it every day for yourself and your children. Be proud of yourself for doing this and surviving the pain.

I dont know how long it has been, time does eventually make things easier.

concentrate on the good things in your life, there will be loads, however small they may seem.

Sometimes it helps to talk about it with people in a similar situation. Are there any groups in your area that you could join? See if there is anything of interest at your local college.

Best of luck

[pips1]

Thanks for replying, I didn't want to be boring so did not list too many details. I have actually achieved a lot and have lots of happy times as well. Fate smiled on me and I was able to get a good job and a lovely home in the end. What my real problem is, is coming to terms with how cruel and mean someone can become towards you when they have fallen out of love with you. Even though he is happy with someone else he still manages to hurt me any chance he can, usually through the children. Even though he put me through hell I still treat him reasonably well when I have to as I want to keep my dignity. I only have contact when I really need to.

[Bbbananas]

I absolutely agree with Rosetta. The day will come when you truly don't give a damn any more and he will cease to be able to hurt you. It varies from person to person, and is very dependent upon the circumstances of the divorce as to how long it takes for someone to move on. But, you will.

Focus on the good, don't dwell on the bad. You were hurt by him and the whole thing must have been exacerbated by the bad representation you obviously had in legal matters. But what really matters is your children - if they are ok, you will be.

[Rosetta]

Well done you.

Keep holding that head up high.

Some people can only deal with their own guilt by being mean and spiteful. That says more about him than you, and he is the smaller person in consequence. Sadly there are also those that drag the children into the equation to score points. You are wise to try and minimise the effect it has on them.

(before anyone tries to get the point in first, I am aware that both men and women can use the children as weapons, its wrong for either gender)

[pips1]

Thanks both, I do appreciate the replies. Fortunately the children are older now (though still at home) and can see things as they are. They just get fed up with seeing me get upset. I do try not to but there was a lot of hurt which takes a lot of getting over, I'm just a bit weak.

[Bbbananas]

it doesn't sound to me as though you're weak at all. There is nothing weak in trying to be dignified & adult.

Hurt does take a lot of getting over - mine did. And the worst thing of all was knowing my kids were upset that I was upset.
Be kind to yourself !

[lil123]

Have you had any counselling or therapy?
I split with my ex husband 2 years ago and it was very similar to you I lost everything too.
I've had some fantastic counselling and now feel that it is all behind me now. I do find relationships difficult but have come to terms with myself and feel happy on my own so i'm not so desperate to find a partner as i was before.
Time is the greatest healer

[sara3]

I know this is tough, pips, but now it's time to look forward. there is nothing to gain by going over and over the negative things that have happened. you've had a tough time and you're right, it's not fair.. but you just can't change it and it's not good for your health to dwell on this stuff.

make a list of positive things in your life, your kids, your health, you have a roof over your heads, etc.. concentrate on what is good and don't forget that you're the better person here.

chin up, face the world with a new energy and enjoy what's coming x

[pips1]

Thanks Lil123 and Sara3 for your replies, you are all right on here, I know you are, which is why I feel worse for letting this get to me for so many years. I think it's bothering me again now because my health is poor at the moment and on top of that I am prone to depression too. I had counselling and it did help for a while, my holidays have helped too (I've had friends who have taken me away to nice places). All in all I've been lucky, it's just brought home to me when I see my kids struggling financially and my ex is very comfortably off. Never mind, I'll get there and thanks again for all your warm wishes.

[Whoever]

Who was it who said the famous lines "Life's a bitch and then you die"? Sometimes life does seem like this, particularly when the innocent party ends up getting the worst deal. I suspect that your ex is possibly still carrying a huge amount of hidden guilt about the way he behaved and knows that he got the best part of the bargain and his behaviour is a way of hiding this. Appearances are not always what they seem to be under the surface.
You are doing absolutely the right thing treating him with dignity - perhaps this is secretly adding to his embarrassment. Keep it up. One day you will wake up and find that the hurt has faded away and that you're able to view him and the whole situation with more indifference. Just take a day at a time and value the current positive things in your life.

[lil123]

This book may help you.
Live life, love life by Sue Stone
She went through similar and it flying high now x