abusive history

[kdawg]

I've met a girl and been seeing her for few months now. Her past two relationshps were extremely difficult for her. Her first was with a guy who was physically violent to her and would not let her get out of a destructive an oppressive relationship. This went on for two years. Her second relationship was with a very meek guy who eventually admitted to her after a year that he was gay. Now she is with me but keeps making references and posing questions to me such as ' would you kick a girl in the face?' or ' would you pour boiling water on a girl' to which i get very annoyed at. I feel it very insulting and she does not understand my profound indignance at this. I tell her I would never strike a person and she says thats what most violent people say!! I like this girl very much, but she is asking these questions and it is deeply upsetting for it feels she does not know me at all. How do I deal with this ? should i give her the benefit of the doubt as she perhaps drawing from her history?

[Sgt.Rock]

I've not come accross one who says they haven't had a violent partner in the past. Treat these stories with extreme caution as they are probably made up or exaggerated.
Ask yourself if it was that bad why did she stay with him for two years!!

[Goodsoulette]

I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and now when I date people I find myself pushing them. Deliberately disagreeing to see how they would react. Maybe she is just trying to feel secure but she's achieving nothing, if you would do those things you are highly unlikely to admit to it.

Tell her how you feel about her asking you these question. There's only so long you can put up with lack of trust. It takes a long time to get over an abusive relationship, in my opinion, and she has the added bonus of the next relationship being an utter disaster area.

If she is always talking about what happened to her, chances are she just isn't over it. Personally I wasnt ready to date for 2 years after it finished, I did but I did everything as destructively as I could muster. She may also be doing this, just in a different way, hence the ridiculous questions.

[4getmenot]

I have never had a voilent partner although I wouldnt let them get away with it :-) it does seem a bit overexagerated with the 'have you ever poured boiling water etc' I find that any of my friends that have been in voilent relationships tend to be very shy and quiet in talking about it as they feel they have let themselves down by putting up with it. If she is asking these questions I dont feel she is really ready to be in a relationship

[kdawg]

thanks. she does have a malicious streak in her and i feel she is trying to ellicit a response like you suggested. i told her that my previous relationship, which lasted 5 years, did not have any major arguments and that was because we trusted each other deeply. this is a long distance. we spoke on the phone one evening and i had a few drinks. she was winding me up and i shouted down the phone. she now is treating this as grounds for an abusive realtionship.

[Sgt.Rock]

"she was winding me up and i shouted down the phone. she now is treating this as grounds for an abusive realtionship"

See what I was saying about exaggeration?

She sounds a bit unhinged to me, be very, very, careful.

[andy-hughes]

Of the responses thus far you have to look at Goodsoulette's - based on personal experience, and Sgt.Rock's - based on a sense of humour for every occasion - and decide which to take on board.

Guess which one my money is on as being worth the time taken to read it?

[lil75]

I have to agree with Goodsoulette, I have been in a violent relationship too, and my initial reaction to reading your post was that she was pushing you...its almost a test. Not pleasant though, all you can do is keep being how you are being and let her learn to accept that you are not like that

[barney1966]

funny how some people always have bad/abusive relationships whereas others don't.

She looks like she's goading and pushing you until she can be the victim in another bad relationship.

She's a nutjob - steer clear.

[lil75]

barney1966, I certanly have not always been in abusive relationships! Where you get that idea from ill never know....ive been in one, left it, learnt from it and would never do one again! So explain your theory please?

[Velvetee]

She perhaps needs to go for counselling to come to terms with these two traumatic events and possibly more. There maybe something in her personality, which attracts undesirable types and of course, as she has a pattern, she is probably expecting this relationship with you is also bound to spring a nasty surprise on her.

Perhaps if you both attended relationship counselling together, you could both understand where the other is coming from, more easily.

[kdawg]

This girl I dunno. Tonight she came onto skype and there was another guy ( her friends boyfirned) presents and she said ' would you be mad if i brought him home from a club?'. I got mad and she started calling me mean. I told her that is a ridiculous question and if she wants to know how much i care for her she doesn't have to ask me these questions. She then tells me that its funny and makes me feel bad.

[madmaggot]

I think you should get out of this now. She really has a problem and it will become your problem if you continue with the relationship. Self preservation - bin her.

[123everton]

The girl's a wrongun, get shut, seriously run, go, for God's sake just go, NOW!
She's a head fcuk.

[sam100]

I'd be carefull with this one- something doesn't sound right. Sounds like she could do with some counselling to me. Be careful that you dont end up being tied to and reponsible for someone that could do with a bit of help....the next thing you know she could be making acusations about you!

[lil123]

I think your girlfriend may benefit from some counselling to help her get over the relationship she was in before.
I left my abusive husband two years ago and have had time on my own and really good counselling.
I now feel ready to have a healthy loving relationship as I have put the past behind me.
Do you feel you can talk to her about this and how it is affecting you ?

[barney1966]

lil75

i'm talking about the situation kdawg is in with his gf so i don't know why you think i am referring to you and have no idea about your relationship(s) as you haven't asked for advice on here.

From TV shows, problem pages, personal life experience there are certainly lots of people who go from one unsuitable relationship to another, maybe attracting or being attracted to the "wrong" kind of person, maybe behaving in a certain way within their relationships that makes their relationships difficult.

kdawg's gf has had several problematic relationships already where she says she was the victim (after all we only have her side of the story which she has told kdawg) but she is behaving in such a way and testing and goading kdawg to the extent that this could become another difficult relationship.

Others above have said similar.

[4getmenot]

she isnt ready for a relationship, until she is happy with herself leave her be

[Velvetee]

Sounds like she is constantly testing you and seeking the kind of reaction she is used to. She probably feels, consciously or unconsciously, if you really care, then you will react aggressively.

You need to consider if you want to be pulled into her world, which you may inevitably find yourself. She needs help and until she realises this, every future relationship will be unhealthy.

How did you meet this girl, wasn't via a chatroom was it?

[kdawg]

Not at all. I met her in a commune in the US working as a a volunteer.

This is really difficult as the general consensus is that she needs help before embarking on a relationship.

[HereToHelpx]

I think you need to take it slow with this woman, she will be very insecure with herself. As she had been betrayed by numerous people she trusted it will now be hard for her to truely trust somebody. She may be asking you these questions as she needs reasuring that you are not like her ex partners. It will take time but she should be able to trust you deeply, just reasure her when she needs it, and then soon she will not even need you to! x