my girl does nude modelling and it bothers me.why?

[kdawg]

I started dating a girl with a tumultuous past. she told me early on she did some nude solo modelling (alt soft porn i guess)for a website. this was for several reasons - her ex was a monster who beat her, it was easy money and she liked the transgressive nature of it.she asked early on how i felt about it. I didn't know what to say as i thought it was pretty obvious that any man she was attached with would have a problem with it so i said nothing. It has come up again. She says people sell themselves in many ways to make money this is another. She says for her there is nothing sexual about it. She is a feminist. She does not want to be controlled by a man. I can appreciate these reasons, or some of them, but why can i not get over it? I would say I am a kind, understanding, compassionate and caring boyfriend. I do not want to own or control her, but why is it unacceptable to me (and considered in general) for her (and women) to do this? In essence she says her love for me, is not attached to her physical body. I feel that LOVE is emotional and physical. Her body should be reserved for me, the same way i reserve mine for her. Its such a complex subject and i cannot rationlise it. The ironic thing is she is insanely jealous, and doesn't acknowledge her acts as a reason for me to be jealous.I love her very much and she says she loves me. I feel that her doing this is a result of her troubled past and i try to convey how this hurts me. My question is very complex and guess there are several aspects to it .

1. If iher work is only for money and not sexual why should i care?
2. If she carries this on, is it possible that she loves me for a see it as an act that she does not care?
3. How do i convey to her that its not me owing her body, but out of the sacredness of our nudity and physical intimacy?

Sorry people. This is an immense question.

THANK YOU

[sara3]

in my opinion, your views are so far apart that you're unlikely to find a happy compromise. I'm on your side, btw, and I wish you luck.

[bednobs]

1. If iher work is only for money and not sexual why should i care? because yu dont believe this is the case or even if it's not sexual to her, it is sexual to a lot of other people who are looking at her

2. If she carries this on, is it possible that she loves me for a see it as an act that she does not care? Dont understand??

3. How do i convey to her that its not me owing her body, but out of the sacredness of our nudity and physical intimacy? Tell her that. Or write it down. in general though, if you want to change someone then they are not the right person for you

[kdawg]

Sorry I meant, IF she contiunes to do this work is it possible that she would be that aoblivious and could still have feelings for me?

Can one actually do this type of work , claiming there is NOTHING sexual about it? Surely this is impossible.

It truly is a deeply troubling problem for me, and i hope she can change or understand by seeing it causes me a distress and therfore stop out of love for me.

[jno]

it's perfectly possible to take your clothes off without it being sexual - artists' models and nudists do it all the time - but I don't know if this is actually what your friend does, or whether it is porn modelling of some sort. This would make a difference, I guess. But you sound a bit confused. You say you don't want to control her, but that's exactly what you're expecting: that you can tell her what to do with her body. She clearly doesn't find her body as sacred as you do. Ideally you'd find a compromise, but I can't see what that might be. Since you both feel so strongly about it, I suspect sara3 is right, and it's a deal-breaker.

[bednobs]

sorry kdawg i must be having a very dim day today -i still cant understand your 2nd q !

[kitesurfer]

kdawg I hate to break this to you. when people are insanely gelous it means they are playing around like crazy. if you look or talk to another girl they cannot see it as innocent as they would be having intentions with the person.. mate dont get hurt. i can tell you how to hack into her email account and you can know for better or for worse. but be prepared for a big shock dude

[lil75]

1) You care because you have feelings for her...simple as that...im not sure what these pics are of, but if it is just of her and she has a nice body, its easy money for her...even though I would be boiling over if I were you, I would view it the same as you, that something of a sexual nature should be just between the two of you!

2) It doesnt mean that she doesnt love you, but if she has had a hard life, its a way of getting "good" attention...the fact that she is very jealous tells me she is insecure.

3) Show her your post and the replies!

Personally if I were you, I wouldnt like it one bit...relationships are about compromise, give n take, trust, respect, all of which dont seem to be in your relationship....I hope you can find a resolution to this!

[obNOXious]

1. Yes it is perfectly possible and indeed probable that she sees this work as exactly that... work. That is all it is, a means of earning money. The real problem here is that you are mistaking the sacredness of a relationship with simple natural nudity. The two are, in my opinion, very different. I am male and would have no issues whatsoever with my wife/girlfriend getting undressed and being photgraphed, painted, filmed if that was her desire and her career choice made her happy. Ideally you should feel secure enough in her for this not to be an issue for you both.

2.If she carries on she is simply stating her individuality and sense of self, it in no way implies that she doesn't love you, possibly quite the contrary as if she gave in and stopped she would likely become resentful of being controlled. If she knows this to be true of herself she could in fact be doing you a huge favour in asking you to re-evaluate how you feel about, rather than condemning the realtionship to death at a later date out of resentment.

3.Physical intimacy and nudity are two different things, in my opinion and obviously in hers, I'm not sure it will be easy for her to understand as she clearly lays very strong claim, quite rightly, to her body. She may share it with you, but it remains hers to decide about... and if she doesn't feel that her work and her realtionship should be judged on the same plane then I think you will struggle to make her see otherwise.

[earthchild]

You're worried about this because you think you're girlfriend is acting out of insecurity and still hurt by the past. To me, it doesn't sound like you're trying to be controlling at all, you care about her and it bothers you to know that the pain of past relationships or whatever else may have happened is still affecting her. This may sound like a bit of pressure but I think what she needs is an understanding, compassionateand caring boyfriend which I'm sure you're doing you're best to be. Anyways, good luck on agreeing about this, if it's meant to be I'm sure you can work it out.

[grandpajoe]

ELBOW quick !