To Live with him or not

[dyslexicme]

Please share your views
My boyfriend wishes to settle down with me and marry. I am 42 he is 51 I love him dearly and I know he loves me. But what worries me is, he has no money no assets and he claims tax credit for low income He rents his flat through a housing Association. I have encouraged him to buy his flat but he refuses to go down that road and also refuses to exchange to a different town I own my own 2 properties I have worked very hard to get them and keep mortgages going on both. He says that if he moves in with me he will want a signed agreement stating that if he has to move out, I give him a lump sum in order for him to set up home somewhere else. I have suffered before and lost everything .I am a little scarred of loosing everything I have worked for. Would I have to give him half of everything if we split up or should we just live separately ?. .My heart tells me to take him under my wing but then I worry about trusting my heart.

[Jan1957]

I would dump him now and find someone who is not obsessed with material things.

[Beads]

He should be signing something that says he won't take your money not will. If he's not contributing anything to moving in with you - why should you be giving him cash. Call me a cynic - but I think that sounds a bit dodge. If you do really want to move in - I'd seek legal advice as to where you stand should you split up and then make your decision. Personally I think that's a bit fishy he wants a signed agreement when it's all your assets and he's bringing nothing to the table.

[LoftyLottie2]

It sounds as if he won't give up anything for you and yet you have to give up what you have for him. It's very one sided. I wouldn't rush into anything at the moment - you have a lot to lose, and he gets all the benefits.

[sqad617]

Quote:

"But what worries me is, he has no money no assets and he claims tax credit for low income He rents his flat through a housing Association."....AGED 51 YRS.!!!!!

Doesn't that say it all? Love will soon go out of the backdoor as poverty and dysharmony comes in the front door.

[carmalee]

100% agree with the previous posts - don't touch the deal with a bargepole cos you will certainly be the loser. Not surprised he wants to move in - trust me, I'm going through a very similar situation in as much as my late brother had a partner move in - she brought absolutely to the deal other than to live very comfortably of my brothers income and now she is claiming the entire estate despite him clearly stating in his will she was not to inherit. Trust me trust me trust me, once he gets his feet under the table you'll have a hell of a job holding on to your hard earned assets.If you can't live without this chap why not leave things as they are - after all it wasn't you who suggested he move in etc. Good luck whatever you decide.

[angiebaby57]

If u have any doubts then u should not even be considering this....
As for taking him under your wing...thats ridiculous! You are not supposed to be thinking like that at such a point in your relationship...he is not a sick puppy.
Its hard to advise when we dont know either of you but from what u say then I would steer well clear of this little situation especially as he is already thinking about his financial gain if you finish..........
In my opinion u know this would potentially be a very bad move and u r still young so there will be others out there that are perhaps better suited to you!!

[Beads]

Carmalee - same thing happened to my uncle - very stressful for you so I empathise.

dyslexicme - I'd be really careful, the more I read and think about - the dodgier it sounds.

[carmalee]

thanks Beads - yes, its been going on for 18 months now - costing a total fortune - we've never had this sort of thing in the family , have always just discussed any problem, compromised and tried to help each other out - just goes to show Hey?

[dyslexicme]

Thanks every one. !
Its very dificult to decide what to do when you love somebody and have so much in comman and you know you could have a wonderful life together but money just gets in the way and causes problems .

[Schutzengel]

dyslexsicme. Please don't go down that road. Your friend only has his eye on the main chance, and you'd probably live to regret it.

[brenda]

See a solicitor, get all your assets sewn up tight before you do anything. Then tell him and see what happens.Love can soon fly out of the window when there is no possibility of financial gain.
I may be misjudging him but I think not.

[dyslexicme]

I think you are so right Brenda .
I have got to protect myself.
Thanks

[ZebraFinch]

Get the hell out! This guy is not interested in you he is more interested in your property & financial assets - in other words a Gold Digger. If you have lost money before hopefully you will be better prepared to handle this situation. Sadly no matter what others tell you if you 'love' him you will learn that you will lose again.

[happyone2]

Im sorry but i would like to consider this from the other view point...........

it would appear that this man has a lovely life, he has a stressless life with a little job a flat he can easily afford and when he gets old and perhaps infirm, he will be able to afford with - he is not likely to ever be evicted, not from a HA property, he is as secure as he can be given he is not home owner.

so...........into this secure, happy life comes a woman who he obviously likes enough to continue seeing despite the fact she is more successful than him - he appers possibly confident enough in himself to not feel threatened by this, to the extent that he would like to marry her.

You ask him to move from his secure accomodation and come to live with you in another town and wonder why he wants to make sure that he can set up home on his own again if it fails.................. unlike you if it fails he would have nothing to fall back on ( that doesnt make him a bad person...........it is just where he is........................... )

he hasnt asked you for half of your money, you say only that he has asked for enough to set up home again - i would assume he means renting ( as that is what he had before )

dont you perhps want to consider that he is actually being very wise ????? why on earth should he give up his security and risk it all and then when you split, he not hve the wherewithall to rent another property...............................

you make him sound like a money grabbing waster ??

so who the hell did you "fall in love with " - he is what he is nd always was and im assuming he didnt hidet that from you...................., just because he is not rich doesn not make him worthless ??

actually i think you should be ashamed of yourself............................

[sqad617]

happyone2....your argument is well thought out and I admire you for going against the flow.....so to speak.

" would appear that this man has a lovely life, he has a stressless life"...maybe, but there is no evidence for this statement.

"He says that if he moves in with me he will want a signed agreement stating that if he has to move out, I give him a lump sum in order for him to set up home somewhere else".........lump sum..doesn't sound as though he intends to rent.

"you make him sound like a money grabbing waster"..point taken BUT aged 51, no money no assets, Housing Association flat...rented. Not conclusive, but suspicious.

"so who the hell did you "fall in love with " - he is what he is nd always was and im assuming he didnt hidet that from you"...................., just because he is not rich doesn not make him worthless ??

Your last point is the best of all, but why do women OFTEN fall for scoundrils...............my wife did!!

[Schutzengel]

dyslexicme. Try to think this through in the cold light of day. How come your friend is on such a low income that he needs tax credits. At 51 shouldn't he be working at a proper job that provides him with a proper living wage, or does he have other vulnerabilities that you haven't mentioned, (i.e why do you feel you would be taking him 'under your wing'). As for if you should split up in the future, he would be no worse off than he is at present. He would still have, presumably, the same income that he has now, and would be able to rent again. Next - on such a low income what would he be able to contribute to the upkeep and running of a joint household, not much I imagine. The main contributor would always be you. Looking further down the line, say 15 years, you will be 57, and he will be 66 and living on what is likely to be basic government pension. Whereas, you will still be working and supporting two mortgages. Not to be unkind, but you also need to consider his general health, in view of the age difference, as it would be very hard to care for a retired person in ill health, and still carry on working. Also does he have any family who would step in to help in such a scenario. Or if he is a bachelor that is also something to be wary of. Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but there are so many variables that you really do need to think very carefully before committing yourself to this man. As a previous poster commented 'love flies out the window when poverty comes in the door', it may not be a poverty situation as such, but speaking from experience, resentment can build up when one person in a relationship is carrying the total financial burden. Having said all that I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[Velvetee]

Sorry, but this guy sounds like a freeloading loser. Sounds like he's marrying you so he can divorce you and be onto a nice little earner.

Seems like he's taking you for a bit of a fool. Do you really love him or is it the companionship you like? Take him under your wing, what is he, your partner or some lame dog?

[jno]

happyone makes some sensible points seeing it from his point of view. All the same, I don't think you should consider yourself under any obligation to look after him if you get a divorce, and you certainly shouldn't sign any prenup requiring you to do so. I'd do as Brenda says, safeguard your assets then see what happens. If your relationship ends you can of course still feel free to give him whatever help you see fit.

But I wonder if he really has enough faith in you to think you will?

[888sally888]

Dont do it - please!

[sara3]

it's not his lifestyle that matters, but the fact that he's already setting out what he wants should it all go wrong.

be very wary.