Ultimatum 3 months before getting married!!!!

[God'sChild]

My partner and I are getting married in 3 months and lastnight he said if after a year of marriage I don't fall pregnant he will find someone else or get a donor!! Now this is a sensitive topic as he's 40 & I'm 29 and has wanted a child for sometime.We've had a rocky relationship, really up until today but yet he won't go for counselling!!! We don't use protection anymore & I even went to my GP back along & she said because I've been on the pill before, it might take some time plus she said she's not worried as I'm still quite young....He's checked his Sperm Count & its all normal too! He thinks I don't want a child with him as he feels I'm not doing anything about it properly.....but why can't he understand our relationship should be stable before we bring a child into this world! Am I being selfish or unreasonable? Any advice please -thanks

[ummmm]

Should you really be getting married with such issues?

[marval]

No, I don't think you are being selfish. You should not bring a child into the world, unless you are both ready. He should not be giving you an ultimatum, that is totally unfair. To be honest I would be having a rethink about whether I wanted to marry him.

Anyway, men can go on fathering children, a lot longer than woman can give birth. So I don't see the rush, it is like he is blaming you. If he won't go to counselling, maybe you need to talk to someone on your own.

Whatever you do, don't give in to his demand, it's your life too. You should have a baby beacause you both want one, a child to love, not because he insists you have one. If he has no thought for your feelings, are you sure he is the one for you?

I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

[redcrx]

no youre not being selfish, i think he is.

doesnt he realise that by putting such pressure on you to produce a child its going to hamper things. some couples take years to fall pregnant with no actual reason at all.

sit back and think what you want from this, could you commit to a man who will happily leave you if you cant have a child?

[God'sChild]

Thanks for all your quick replies......I do think he's feeling like this because I did have a termination 9 yrs ago and I just wasn't ready then...but he wanted a baby....I think he's had resentment since that and has given me the guilt trip throughout our relationship eventhough I was sorry that I hurt him because of that.....

I want to discuss this today with him as I really don't want this hanging over our heads but in my head I'm trying to find the right words & a way of doing it without arguing.......

[jojojojoanne]

does he think he is henry viii?!
men can go on having have children for a longer period of time but he is older so when he is 50 the child will be......
10 if you get pregnant sharpish, perhaps this is whats worrying him. also the fact the fact your raising questions/issues seems to say a lot. if you were totally at ease would there be any doubt/hesitation?

[ummmm]

What's the point of getting married to someone who's threatened to stray before he even said 'I do'

[janbee]

do not marry this person...

[biggerlonger]

I hate ultimations, detest them, I would hot foot it out of there

[4getmenot]

your relationship should be stable BEFORE you get married

[jno]

just as well this has happened; it's given you a useful insight into his personality. And I would certainly start using protection again until this is sorted out. It sounds as if he just wants a brood mare to supply him with an heir - how very royal.

[ummmm]

My answer took ages to appear. So this is a very long term relationship?

[DEN53]

Sounds like he just wants to use your womb, godschild !

[Bbbananas]

With an ultimatum like that, I would tell him, rather more impolitely, to trot off >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[Sir Alec]

What will be his next ultimatum? I'll divorce you if it's not a boy? Sounds like a jerk, to be polite. You're young enough to find someone who loves you for you, not how many kids you can provide him with. Is his mother pushing for grandchildren?

[redcrx]

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/R elationships-and-Dating/Question751501.html are you the "friend" on this post.

is your partner controlling and violent towards you?

[Lorzy Lor]

Be very careful God'sChild. I believe that you should have a stable relationship before bringing a child into the world, it is very important, as it is one of the hardest things ever, and makes life much harder, challanging and complex! Putting serious strain on your relationship!

I'm worried that he is just using you to get a child, how could he say that he will leave you for someone else if you dont produce, its mental. Point out that if he does leave you, he'll be even further from having a baby. Also, if you are really stressed/pressured (obviously) then that can also prevent falling pregnant.

There is a big age gap between me and my hubby, about 12 years. I was 24 when i fell pregnant, he was the instagater (or however you spell it) i was very wobbly on the subject, i would want it, then i wouldnt, then i would, then i wouldnt. In the end i did fall pregnant. We now have a 2 1/2 year old. He is amazing, and i wouldnt change him for the world, however, I assumed that my man (since he was the one so desparate for a baby) would do his fair share. Not the case, i have resented it alot over the years. And in my head scream, you wanted it, take responciblity and do some of the work less appreciated (ie not just playing with him when he feels like it, helpfull things = making his dinner, putting to bed, bathing every now and then etc) attached to it.

You really need to think very carefully sweets, i would insist on counciling, not only about the baby issue, but about the marrage, (sounds like you need help properly comunicating) if you both want it to work, then counciling would be very helpful. Maybe sell it to him using the latter reason!

I feel for you hun, and hope you manage to sort this out. Dont be pressured in to anything, a child is for life, with or with out him. You got to be ready for it! i think its the hardest thing i have ever done (also the most rewarding.....)

Dont know

[ummmm]

The detective at work again Red :-)

[Lorzy Lor]

Ops, cut off there,

Dont know if that helps, hope so, good luck

xxx

NB, just read redcrx post, if that is you, get the HELL OUT!!!!

[God'sChild]

To Sir Alec - the family have made many comments about when the child is goung to come along!!!!

To ummmm - we've been together for 12 yrs....

To redcrx - I've used my friends answerbank account to post on hear as I know she has posted on hear before for me.....yes he has been violent towards me......

[redcrx]

so why are you even discussing children if hes violent and abusive?

you need to get away somehow, your friend mustve passed all that previous info on.