ChatterBank1 min ago
Help me! Before I destroy my relationship!
21 Answers
I really need some help.. a couple of days agop my boyfriend was acting weirdly so i kept pestering him to tell me what was the matter. He told me that a new girl had started at his workplace and that all of his colleagues had said she was attractive. He swore to me that he doesnt find her attractive. when he told me i burst into tears and couldnt speak to him.. i feel betrayed and he hasnt even done anything. i am so scared that he will develop feelings for this person and it is killing me. i dont know what to do as he has never done anything to make me think he is unfaithful. Why cant i face the fact that he will find other people attractive? Why does it cause me so much pain to think that he does and why do i hate the thought of him spending time with that person. He tells me I need help. but i dont know what to do :'(
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He was probably acting weird because he knew how you would react if he told you about the new girl, especially if there have been problems between you before with you acting in a similar way. Bursting into tears and not speaking to him is a big overreaction.. no wonder he didn't tell you. He will come into contact with attractive females - could be at work, in the shop, in the pub, anywhere.
Even if he did find her attractive (and I'm not saying that he does) then it still doesn't mean that he is going to do anything about it or leave you or anything. You really do need to get a grip.
I'm seeing someone at the moment and think the world of him but it doesn't mean I don't still find other men attractive cus I do - wouldn't be normal otherwise!!
Even if he did find her attractive (and I'm not saying that he does) then it still doesn't mean that he is going to do anything about it or leave you or anything. You really do need to get a grip.
I'm seeing someone at the moment and think the world of him but it doesn't mean I don't still find other men attractive cus I do - wouldn't be normal otherwise!!
-- answer removed --
Has a previous betrayal made you this insecure?
Your reaction does seem somewhat extreme, given that all your BF has done is mention this girl.
One thing is sure - jelousy leads to a self-fulfilling prophesy, if you think he is cheating and constantly pressure him, it increases the chances that he will.
You need to talk with him honestly about how you feel. Needing reassurance of our importance in our partner's life is normal, but not if it becomes obsessive.
You need to get some communication going, so he can be open and honest with you about his work life, and you will know that he loves you, and nothing is going on there.
Your reaction does seem somewhat extreme, given that all your BF has done is mention this girl.
One thing is sure - jelousy leads to a self-fulfilling prophesy, if you think he is cheating and constantly pressure him, it increases the chances that he will.
You need to talk with him honestly about how you feel. Needing reassurance of our importance in our partner's life is normal, but not if it becomes obsessive.
You need to get some communication going, so he can be open and honest with you about his work life, and you will know that he loves you, and nothing is going on there.
Woah beso, that's a stinging rebuke for someone who has asked for some advice.
Insecurity is a terrible condition, and I am sure missj189 would stop feeling this way tomorrow if she could.
As for suggesting that her boyfriend ineeds to find someone 'worthy of his affection', that is a nasty barb made about someone you don;t know at all, to someone who is already feeling in a vulnerable state.
If you can't offer some constructive advice, keep your malice to yourself.
Insecurity is a terrible condition, and I am sure missj189 would stop feeling this way tomorrow if she could.
As for suggesting that her boyfriend ineeds to find someone 'worthy of his affection', that is a nasty barb made about someone you don;t know at all, to someone who is already feeling in a vulnerable state.
If you can't offer some constructive advice, keep your malice to yourself.
To andy and schell: You give your style of advice and I will give mine as I see fit.
Some people need it painted out in black and white what they stand to loose if they don't get a grip. I think she needs this kind of a slap more than people pussy footing around. There is a big difference between "needing reassurance" and this level of paranoia.
The fact that her boyfriend was "acting weirdly" suggest he already has a handle on what to expect from her. Walking on eggshells is a killer for intimacy.
This kind of behaviour is a BIG turnoff for many people. Teh relationship is already on shaky ground. She needs to go to her boyfriend and apologise for behaving in this way. Telling him she "needs more reassurance" would be a huge mistake.
Then see a psychologist rather a counsellor.
Some people need it painted out in black and white what they stand to loose if they don't get a grip. I think she needs this kind of a slap more than people pussy footing around. There is a big difference between "needing reassurance" and this level of paranoia.
The fact that her boyfriend was "acting weirdly" suggest he already has a handle on what to expect from her. Walking on eggshells is a killer for intimacy.
This kind of behaviour is a BIG turnoff for many people. Teh relationship is already on shaky ground. She needs to go to her boyfriend and apologise for behaving in this way. Telling him she "needs more reassurance" would be a huge mistake.
Then see a psychologist rather a counsellor.
Advice is fine - harsh criticism of someone you don't know, and advice that she is 'not worthy of his affection' based on knowing even less is not advice.
Presuming to know that someone needs a virtual 'slap' rather than a little support and confidence boosting suggests that you are unfeeling as well as unkind.
Let's hope you never find yourself feeling vulerable, and that if you do, there is someone around to help and support you, instead of putting you down because they think they know better.
If this is your idea of 'advice', I'd hate to think what you would write if someone upset you - maybe I'll find out, but then with me you are picking on someone who isn't intimidated by people like you.
Presuming to know that someone needs a virtual 'slap' rather than a little support and confidence boosting suggests that you are unfeeling as well as unkind.
Let's hope you never find yourself feeling vulerable, and that if you do, there is someone around to help and support you, instead of putting you down because they think they know better.
If this is your idea of 'advice', I'd hate to think what you would write if someone upset you - maybe I'll find out, but then with me you are picking on someone who isn't intimidated by people like you.
-- answer removed --
andy:
You have made presumptions that missj needed "a little support and confidence boosting". Know her personally do you? I made a judgement based on what I thought she needed most.
While she vacillates on your advice about how to deal with this, her relationship could well collapse. My judgement was that she need a slap and I don't see why you should presume you know better. When people post their problems online they open themselves to the world.
Take a look at this site:
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/
If you dig around you will find people who have asked for advice and ultimately thanked those who slapped them. I've not bothered posting there because it would be lost among the hundreds of posts on each topic.
What you are trying to do is dictate the culture of answerbank. I have seen other sites do this. Here is a fabulous example where "people like you" became moderators.
http://www.cerescape.com/
Compare this with bossy's blog and you might get the picture. If you could still see what cerescape looked like while anyone still cared, you might notice which site most resembles answerbank.
I've felt vulnerable plenty of times in my life and the most useful advice has been from those who said words to the effect, "get over it".
I articulate my opinions sincerely and honestly regardless of the attempts by "people like you" to rile me. A well presented case will triumph over the reactionary responses of the one-eyed pseudo-intellectual wowsers. Do you really think I would care if you plodded around another lap of your pointless rhetoric?
You have made presumptions that missj needed "a little support and confidence boosting". Know her personally do you? I made a judgement based on what I thought she needed most.
While she vacillates on your advice about how to deal with this, her relationship could well collapse. My judgement was that she need a slap and I don't see why you should presume you know better. When people post their problems online they open themselves to the world.
Take a look at this site:
http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/
If you dig around you will find people who have asked for advice and ultimately thanked those who slapped them. I've not bothered posting there because it would be lost among the hundreds of posts on each topic.
What you are trying to do is dictate the culture of answerbank. I have seen other sites do this. Here is a fabulous example where "people like you" became moderators.
http://www.cerescape.com/
Compare this with bossy's blog and you might get the picture. If you could still see what cerescape looked like while anyone still cared, you might notice which site most resembles answerbank.
I've felt vulnerable plenty of times in my life and the most useful advice has been from those who said words to the effect, "get over it".
I articulate my opinions sincerely and honestly regardless of the attempts by "people like you" to rile me. A well presented case will triumph over the reactionary responses of the one-eyed pseudo-intellectual wowsers. Do you really think I would care if you plodded around another lap of your pointless rhetoric?
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/wowser
(Australian) (New Zealand) A person with a strong moral views for temperance, abstinence, etc, and who promotes them generally or in particular seeks to impose them on other people.
From me as an nearly 50 yo Aussie.
Originally used for non-drinkers it is used to describe a person who abstains from anything other than the conservative line. Definitely strong implications for the will to impose these values on others. Somewhat deprecated in younger people's language today.
Curious what word would you use for this?
BTW I respect you previous reply and bear no malice.
(Australian) (New Zealand) A person with a strong moral views for temperance, abstinence, etc, and who promotes them generally or in particular seeks to impose them on other people.
From me as an nearly 50 yo Aussie.
Originally used for non-drinkers it is used to describe a person who abstains from anything other than the conservative line. Definitely strong implications for the will to impose these values on others. Somewhat deprecated in younger people's language today.
Curious what word would you use for this?
BTW I respect you previous reply and bear no malice.
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