Broken hearted

[marykay]

My fiance broke up with me unexpectedly and i'm not coping. We had everthing for our wedding booked. He said that he has been unhappy and the break up had nothing to do with getting married but I can't understand why this has happened and he won't discuss it anymore with me. I'm devastated and things are getting harder rather than easier for me. All i want is him. I haven't seen him in over a month. My GP has given me antidepressants which i'm taking but they aren't helping. My friends can't understand why i'm not over it and i'm getting really frustrated with their patronising advice as they have never experienced anything like what i'm going through. I've never felt so alone and all i want is the comfort of my ex. He knows how i feel as i've told him many times. I'm so in love with him and it really hurts knowing that he doesn't want me. His friends say he has gone off the rails since the breakup drinking heavily. I'm trying not to contact him for when i do he barely speaks. i don't know what to do for the best or how to move on.

[PeteHull]

Try to find someting else to do to take your mind of the situation, it might be that it is for the better in the long run, it's no good emotionally forcing someone to change thier minds over this type of thing. I was in the exact same position as you many years ago, and it still hurts when I think about it. People have strange ways of treating others, tell yourself that if he isn't prepared to go through with the marriage then if you did get married it probably wouldn't work.

I know that this is probably not what you want to hear but think about it whilst putting all the emotion aside, think logically.....

Hope that helps

Pete

[andy-hughes]

What you are going through is a grieving process, and it's hard.

Because your partner has not offered any reasonable explanation for his behaviour, you have nothing to move on with, so you are drifting, and it is a seriously painful situation to endure.

It sounds - and obviously I am simply guessing here - as though he has just got cold feet at the thought of comitment and a lifetime with one person. Marriage is wonderful and scary at the same time, and he won;t be the first person to run away rather than talk over his anxieties with you.

Friends are sadly little help at times like this - they have a personl stake depending on whether they are friends with you / him / both, and will 'advise' accordingly - none of which really helps.

You need an objective voice to bounce your thoughts off - someone with no personal axe to grind, who has the time to listen, and to be there through this awkward time.

You are very welcome to contact me to chat if you wish - [email protected] - but no pressure, if you prefer not to, then i completely understand, but the offer is there.

Hang on - you will get past this, although it doesn't feel possible now. Promise.

[lil75]

Hi Andy - I see your still spot on with your advice, such a wonderful ABer!!! x
Marykay - You should talk to Andy via email, I remember him helping me out in the past - big time x

[andy-hughes]

Thanks for your kind words lil - hope you are well?

Sorry marykay, I posted my address incorrectly - it's

[email protected]

Feel free to write - or not, I am happy to help if you wish.

A x

[Ankou]

pete and andy have given the best advice anyone can offer, and this really is a sort of grieving process that we all go through at some point in our lives and we all deal with it differently. as pete hull says, you need something else to focus your energy on, if that means talking to the delightful andy hughes, then why not just do it. often an unseen ear is the one that listens the most.

it seems you are yearning for something that you thought was there, and that this vision you have formulated of perfect romance and love is the key to unlock your sadness. one day that might come true if your fiancé changes his mind and realises he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, but there is a chance it might not and you need to make sure that at that point in the future you are in the best place you can be.

best wishes.
ankou

[Mcvj]

You're probably still holding on to the hope that you two will get back together...this will only delay the process of getting over him.

You've spent so much time mentally preparing for the process of marriage, not just the physical organisation but even just all of the "will i be with him for the rest of my life" type of thoughts and he convinced you that he was the one for you, but like Pete said, he probably wasn't ready for marriage and had doubts. If there are doubts then he wouldn't have treated in marriage the way that you deserve to be treated.

In situations like this it's hard to avoid cliches, but they are there for a reason. Although it doesn't feel this way right now, you will undoubtedly be happier in 5 years without him than you would have been with him - imagine if he had married you and he wasn't happy at the time? How that would have played out?

As Andy pointed out, you are grieving the death of your relationship and it takes time but someone will always be on AnswerBank to help you out xx

[marykay]

We were together nearly 6 years, i never asked for marriage, that was all him. He was under no pressure or obligation to propose to me and thats why i can't get my head around all of this. You are right about it feeling like i'm grieving, but its actually worse. The urge to contact him is so bad at times. I know i need to cut all contact with him but i still care for him and i still love him but it definately seems like he has moved on. He hasn't contacted me since the break up or even called me or any of my friends to see how i am. It pretty obvious that he has moved on and does't give a damn about me, so why am i finding it so hard to let go?

[andy-hughes]

Don't confuse lack of content with lack of thought of you - I bet he thinks of you every minute of every day.

He is not in touch because he doesn't know what to do. How to break out of the 'trap' into which he feels he has walked himself.

It needs to come from him. Hard (impossible!) as it is to fight the urge to contact him, if your relationship has a future, then he has to come in and start to re-built it, and you must wait and see if that happens. If he does contact you, be prepared for lots of silences, punctuated with "I don't know ..." because as desparate as you are to get a handle on this so you can deal with that amorphous mass of agony you live in, he will be struggling to articulate his fears and confusion.

Don't for one moment think he has moved on, and is living the high life. That said, he needs to come to you - you deserve that, and when he does you can start to talk about what has caused this sesimic shift in your relationship.

An educated guess says it is fear of commitment, and that can be talked over and resolved, but he needs to make the first move.

If he genuinely doesn't want you, then by waiting for him to come to you, you will have retained your dignity and self-respect through this, which will help you to heal. But I think he will come back, and you can hopefully save your relationship.

Hang on - keep posting, support is here, and my offer is always open.

Ax

[str]

Marykay, I'm so sorry for you. I do know what you're going through - I split from my husband of 18 years - no reason given except that he "wanted to be single". Then he immediately booked a holiday abroad with a fellow work colleague (female). Now he's married to her and I'm in a one bedroom flat. I'm still bitter after two years - so how can your friends turn round after a month and expect you to be over it? It'll take you a lot longer than that - you absolutely HAVE to go through the grieving process, but then you will get to the angry stage (and you will, no doubt about it). That's when the healing really begins.
I found counselling really helped me - someone impartial who will just listen to you and NOT say things like "Oh yes, that happened to me" and then suddenly you find they've turned the conversation round to them... I strongly recommend you ask your doctor for a list of counsellors. I know you've had offers of help from fellow ABers and I'll add my offer too - my address is [email protected]. Please don't try to go through it on your own.

[str]

Marykay., I forgot to say don't make any rash decisions - take your time and be objective. I say this as when I was still at your stage (shock and disbelief) I agreed to anything me ex asked for. Concert tickets for a concert we were going to, items of furniture etc. I was still picking myself up off the floor when he asked me for these things, and now he's enjoying it all with her. Be selfish and just think about yourself. Its allowed. I can guarantee that in a few months time you will be thinking in a different way, although you may not see it right now. x

[minimonkey]

hi - i understand - like a lot of other people on here - how you feel. My ex left me about 9 months ago and i was devastated - i havent heard from him since and although i am a lot better - my friends can't believe i still miss him and think about him all the time. I think there are 2 reasons for this 1 is that i havent managed to meet anyone else and 2 is that i never really got an explanation as to why he left so i am left wondering what is wrong with me and with no confidence that anyone else will ever like me - or if they do they will also get bored of me and leave me. Despite the fact that i am perfectly lovely and he was an ar$e... so what i am saying is it takes time and i agree with Andy - friends can only give you the usual words. this is a personal thing and you need to get over it in your own time. oh and absolutely be selfish. when i look back now i am so glad i wiped his tooth brush round the toilet bowl and scratched some of his records when he left....i didnt know then that his promise to be friends and stay in touch were utter lies so now i am glad i had a childish angry moment and he will never know - but i smile when i think about it ! bitter? absolutely! but i am working on it!

[str]

Minimonkey, I like your style. Marykay, Minimonkey is absolutely right - revenge DOES help. I poured cooking oil down the back of my ex's thousand pound hifi system, I slashed the tyres of his mountain bike and kept the tyrepump in my car. I shredded all his qualification certificates and then I filled out his facebook profile for him.... There are loads of (legal) things you could do and you'd be surprised at how theraputic it will be, although the closure thing still hasn't happened for me 2 years on. It will though - revenge is a dish best served cold. Get to that stage and you will be fine - it's all a matter of time, believe me. x

[minimonkey]

crikey! i thought i was bad - be careful not to turn into a boiler of bunnies though! I wouldnt recommend damaging his goods but a little sweet revenge can help- short term though - ultimately you gotta get over it.

[marykay]

Minimonkey, just reading your previous answer, and my ex promised to keep in touch and stay friends and he hasn't so much as send me a text since he dumped me. Why lie, i'd much rather he had been honest and said keeping in touch wouldn't be a good idea. It would have hurt to hear him say it but it hurts more because he said he would and he hasn't.

[tamborine]

he has had 6y of your care and attention.....he will miss that!

He'll be back with some lame excuse, just so you can run after him again. DONT weaken and take him back - he's proved he aint worth it!

[minimonkey]

yes i think that is what hurts more than anything - i literally have not heard from him - he even text my best mate to ask how she was!! but not anything to me since he left. i guess that means i meant absolutley nothing to him and that is gutting. i agree - if he had said he wasnt going to ever contact me again i maybe wouldnt have spent the first few months hoping he would miss me. he is just a c u nxt tuesday and i hope he gets some karma. I await my good luck....it must be coming soon!?

[jb190281]

Its very nice to read the support thats been offered to you here marykay, if I were you, I would take up their offers of chat/support. Its always painful to through a break up, and no, friends are no good - absolutely useless mine were. "Youll be ok" wasnt what I wanted to hear. I agree that a professional councillor may be useful - I found that talking to someone impartial gave me answers I didnt know I had!
Let yourself grieve before you start thinking logically, then Im sure we will all have plently of ideas of revenge and how you can move forward! I'll be thinking of you x

[marykay]

I gave him everything emotionally and got this in return, he never gave me any valid reasons for leaving and he hasn't apologised for anything. I suspect he has met someone at work and yet i still love him and if he came crawling back i don't know what i'd do. I need to know why, or i need to know for definate that there is someone else before i can move on. I honestly don't think i have it in me to love again.

[minimonkey]

marykay you sound exactly like me. i just think that if i loved again that they would leave me and i cant take going through that again. but hopefully i will change my mind about that! We can rant and rave over email if you like! x