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Should I give her time, or move on?
17 Answers
A few months ago I met a girl who I really like. We just clicked straight away, and things turned in to a relationship within days. Eveything was good, and to a degree still is. We spent a lot of time together, and when we were apart, lots of calls and texts. We spent a weekend away, and it was one of the best weekends both of us had enjoyed in many years. Many things were said about where this was going, and how we would probably end up moving in together in the new year.
We both have good jobs and work hard during the week, so weekends became very special to both of us. I met her family, and she met mine. No problems with either scenario.
We both have a history of being hurt in previous relationships, and it seems that we have both been on the recieving end of the bad runs in the past. Lets face it, we are both in our mid 30's so it's not a teenage thing. Neither of us were looking for a relationship when we met, but it happened. We had both been single for over a year when we met, so it was definately not a rebound thing for either of us.
Last week she told me that she couldn't cope with being in a relationship. I was shocked, I still am. We met yesterday and talked for a few hours about why this was the right or wrong thing, and ultimately she has said that due to how she has been hurt in the past she is finding it very hard to accept someone who won't do the same again. She also said she need to find herself again (A very long and unpublishable story) which knowing what I know, I fully understand.
It has been left for now with her to think long and hard about whether she can trust again. She knows I will be there for her anytime she wants, and she has offered the same. We are still very good friends, and will be seeing each other regularly despite the 2 hour drive between us.
My question is, should I move on, or should I wait and see whether things can turn out well for us both
We both have good jobs and work hard during the week, so weekends became very special to both of us. I met her family, and she met mine. No problems with either scenario.
We both have a history of being hurt in previous relationships, and it seems that we have both been on the recieving end of the bad runs in the past. Lets face it, we are both in our mid 30's so it's not a teenage thing. Neither of us were looking for a relationship when we met, but it happened. We had both been single for over a year when we met, so it was definately not a rebound thing for either of us.
Last week she told me that she couldn't cope with being in a relationship. I was shocked, I still am. We met yesterday and talked for a few hours about why this was the right or wrong thing, and ultimately she has said that due to how she has been hurt in the past she is finding it very hard to accept someone who won't do the same again. She also said she need to find herself again (A very long and unpublishable story) which knowing what I know, I fully understand.
It has been left for now with her to think long and hard about whether she can trust again. She knows I will be there for her anytime she wants, and she has offered the same. We are still very good friends, and will be seeing each other regularly despite the 2 hour drive between us.
My question is, should I move on, or should I wait and see whether things can turn out well for us both
Answers
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there is no clear cut answer on this , so give her time " dont call let her make that move so she does the contact when she feels the need or it may seem your pushing your self onto her ".
the problem from the way you described it is she has the fear of being hurt again, sadly there is no clear cut answer as in any relationship there has to be the elemnet of chance and for that chance to be taken has to be trust.
noone can make someone take a chance or trust them it has to be something they are willing and ready to do, and sadly some people never learn to " move on " for that chance / trust to be given a fair chance.
all that being said , my advice is simple give her a couple of weeks if she stays " cold " and seems distant then move on as she obviously isnt ready and passed previous problems. At least you have made a friend if she continues on this path.
the problem from the way you described it is she has the fear of being hurt again, sadly there is no clear cut answer as in any relationship there has to be the elemnet of chance and for that chance to be taken has to be trust.
noone can make someone take a chance or trust them it has to be something they are willing and ready to do, and sadly some people never learn to " move on " for that chance / trust to be given a fair chance.
all that being said , my advice is simple give her a couple of weeks if she stays " cold " and seems distant then move on as she obviously isnt ready and passed previous problems. At least you have made a friend if she continues on this path.
Thanks for the answers.
TTG - Almost every weekend we have spent together, both her place and mine, apart from when we have both been on (pre planned) foreign holidays with friends. We are going to a gig this Sunday together, and she has taken a days leave from work on Monday.
Ummmm - I am fully willing to give her time, and I don't see it as wasted time. As said previously, neither of us were looking for a relationship when we met. I was just as happy being single before I met her.
S_C - YOu have given me many things to think about. There are other thoughts (not fears) going through her mind, not just the fear of being hurt again. Unfortunately I can't go in to any details, but you have made me think about them in a different way. Thankyou.
TTG - Almost every weekend we have spent together, both her place and mine, apart from when we have both been on (pre planned) foreign holidays with friends. We are going to a gig this Sunday together, and she has taken a days leave from work on Monday.
Ummmm - I am fully willing to give her time, and I don't see it as wasted time. As said previously, neither of us were looking for a relationship when we met. I was just as happy being single before I met her.
S_C - YOu have given me many things to think about. There are other thoughts (not fears) going through her mind, not just the fear of being hurt again. Unfortunately I can't go in to any details, but you have made me think about them in a different way. Thankyou.
Jaydee...I didn't mean to be blunt. It's ok to wait for someone if it's not breaking your heart. We obviously don't know the whole story and you know stuff that helps you understand.
When I said waste of time I believe it is a waste of time for people who are sitting round upset and hoping. If you're not then yes, give her some time.
When I said waste of time I believe it is a waste of time for people who are sitting round upset and hoping. If you're not then yes, give her some time.
Ummmm - As said before, I didn't take offence at your comment
This situation is not breaking my heart, but it has made me realise that there is more to life than being single. I'm not happy with this situation, but I'm definatley not breaking my heart over it.
I think the reason I am willing to wait and give this a chance is that for the first time in many years I have met someone who has been nothing less than honest with me (There are other factors too, not just the honesty). Unfortunately due to mixed up emotions amongst other things, now is not the right time for her.
She has explained to me that she thought she would grow old alone, and was totally taken aback with the situation we found ourselves in, and needs time to reflect on this and other things.
I know I am willing to wait, but I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing
This situation is not breaking my heart, but it has made me realise that there is more to life than being single. I'm not happy with this situation, but I'm definatley not breaking my heart over it.
I think the reason I am willing to wait and give this a chance is that for the first time in many years I have met someone who has been nothing less than honest with me (There are other factors too, not just the honesty). Unfortunately due to mixed up emotions amongst other things, now is not the right time for her.
She has explained to me that she thought she would grow old alone, and was totally taken aback with the situation we found ourselves in, and needs time to reflect on this and other things.
I know I am willing to wait, but I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing
I can undertand where she is coming from as I in my late 30's and was in a abusive marridge for nearly 20 years before I plucked up enough courage to leave him.
When I first left I couldn't even think of being with another man but I lost over 7 stone and changed my whole outlook on everything.
I had a few boyfriends who messed me about and just kept getting hurt all over again.
Then last year I met the someone who I can honestly say I have never felt the love I have for him for anyone else.
After a few months I kept thinking I should end it before he hurt me, but he never has and I know deep down he never will.
The other thing was he is 10 years younger than me but I look 10 years younger anyway so that isn't the issue.
I told myself I had to accept him into my heart fully and since I have out relationship as grown. The next step for us will be living toghther and getting marride which would have totally freaked me out before!!
I think if you give this lady time it will all work out for you both.
It's such a shame when people who have hurt us go on to tar other relationships but it's our way of protecting our selfs.
Merry Xmas to you both xx
When I first left I couldn't even think of being with another man but I lost over 7 stone and changed my whole outlook on everything.
I had a few boyfriends who messed me about and just kept getting hurt all over again.
Then last year I met the someone who I can honestly say I have never felt the love I have for him for anyone else.
After a few months I kept thinking I should end it before he hurt me, but he never has and I know deep down he never will.
The other thing was he is 10 years younger than me but I look 10 years younger anyway so that isn't the issue.
I told myself I had to accept him into my heart fully and since I have out relationship as grown. The next step for us will be living toghther and getting marride which would have totally freaked me out before!!
I think if you give this lady time it will all work out for you both.
It's such a shame when people who have hurt us go on to tar other relationships but it's our way of protecting our selfs.
Merry Xmas to you both xx
Glad to have been of some assistance , and maybe even given more possible reason or alternative reason as to why your facing this situation . although ultimately she is the only person who would be able to give you the full light as to her feelings " if of course she understands them completely ". You sound like a decent person and with this undrstanding and willing to give her a chance also. What ever happens i hope it works out for the best for you both. Best regards
It's a difficult dilemma for you, especially as this is not some teenage passion and both of your are mature adults who by now ought to know the genuineness of your own feelings. I would set a time limit in your own mind as to how long you're prepared to wait for her to be prepared to commit - whether it's a month, or two two months. . Don't tell her what your self imposed time limit is. It will seem like you are putting pressure on her and she needs some space to work things out for herself. Perhaps you should agree not to meet up during this time so that there's no emotional pressure on her. Personally, if she really does love you, I would think that if she hasn't come to a decision within this time, , she's not going to commit and you should be prepared to move on. If you genuinely believe she could be the right person for you, a couple of months is worth the wait.
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