ChatterBank3 mins ago
Some advice
7 Answers
Hi,
I just want some advice on if I am being too sensitive or if I am reading too much into this situation. Also advice on how to handle it and what to do next, if anything. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10, no kids.
A couple of times over the years I have complained that our sex life is dead and that I don't feel that he wants me - but he still looks at porn on a daily basis. He says it's all in my head and he finds me attractive and blah blah. I eventually came to the decision that porn isn't that bad, at least he isn't abusive or having an affair and I chose to ignore it all as best I could.
A few weeks ago his laptop died so he started using mine, he always clears out his internet history which just screams to me that he is looking at more porn but I ignore it. But the other day he hadn't and I saw a porn site that also had the tagline "Meet Glamour Girls" on it. It's an invasion of privacy but I wanted to know so I looked at the website. It's full of amateur models in various poses and a lot of them are naked and showing pretty much everything to the camera. I rolled my eyes and went to close it but then I saw that he was logged into this site and had messages.
Again, a gross invasion of privacy but I checked his messages. My husband is a real petrol head and loves cars and goes to small car shows around the country. From these messages I see that he is telling some of these models that he works for a model agency supplying promo girls to car shows, you know - the ones who wear mini skirts and parade about like tarts. Which he isn't, he works in Sales. He is telling them all they have great pictures and they could be a model and would they like to go to these shows for £10-15/hour. He's even offering to pick one of them up and buy her lunch. I don't think he'd ever be unfaithful, he can't lie.
I just want some advice on if I am being too sensitive or if I am reading too much into this situation. Also advice on how to handle it and what to do next, if anything. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 10, no kids.
A couple of times over the years I have complained that our sex life is dead and that I don't feel that he wants me - but he still looks at porn on a daily basis. He says it's all in my head and he finds me attractive and blah blah. I eventually came to the decision that porn isn't that bad, at least he isn't abusive or having an affair and I chose to ignore it all as best I could.
A few weeks ago his laptop died so he started using mine, he always clears out his internet history which just screams to me that he is looking at more porn but I ignore it. But the other day he hadn't and I saw a porn site that also had the tagline "Meet Glamour Girls" on it. It's an invasion of privacy but I wanted to know so I looked at the website. It's full of amateur models in various poses and a lot of them are naked and showing pretty much everything to the camera. I rolled my eyes and went to close it but then I saw that he was logged into this site and had messages.
Again, a gross invasion of privacy but I checked his messages. My husband is a real petrol head and loves cars and goes to small car shows around the country. From these messages I see that he is telling some of these models that he works for a model agency supplying promo girls to car shows, you know - the ones who wear mini skirts and parade about like tarts. Which he isn't, he works in Sales. He is telling them all they have great pictures and they could be a model and would they like to go to these shows for £10-15/hour. He's even offering to pick one of them up and buy her lunch. I don't think he'd ever be unfaithful, he can't lie.
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I think, given the chance, we will arrange to pick up a girl and take her to a show, pay her, either from club funds of from his own pocket. Probably buy her lunch and take her home. I doubt he'd do anything else but then I never really though he'd do this either - it just seems very dishonest and I fee like he is cheating by doing all this behind my back. Just don't know whether I am over-reacting, I don't think I am but I don't want to throw away so many years if I'm being petty.
You need to have a serious talk with him - preferably with a Relate counsellor with both of you.
You have issues as a couple - your lack of a sex life, broken communications, mistrust, his use of pornography, and it really would benefit from profesional help.
Your husband is obviously unhappy, and is seeking to bolster his image as an attractive man by fantasising to strangers, which may well be harmful, but why take the risk?
i am pretty sure a counsellor will speak to you both individually, and if they do, be totally honest about everything in your marriage, however embarassing and painful it may feel - remember these are professional people, they will not judge you but they will help you both as a couple.
You are not being petty, but you need to get this sorted out before the two of you drift into permanent relationship decay.
You have issues as a couple - your lack of a sex life, broken communications, mistrust, his use of pornography, and it really would benefit from profesional help.
Your husband is obviously unhappy, and is seeking to bolster his image as an attractive man by fantasising to strangers, which may well be harmful, but why take the risk?
i am pretty sure a counsellor will speak to you both individually, and if they do, be totally honest about everything in your marriage, however embarassing and painful it may feel - remember these are professional people, they will not judge you but they will help you both as a couple.
You are not being petty, but you need to get this sorted out before the two of you drift into permanent relationship decay.
Poor you - this is horrible. But you can't carry on living in doubt and suspicion - you really do need to sort this out. I don't think you're over-reacting at all - the fact that he's looking at these sites is one thing, but offering to meet one of these girls and buy her lunch - whichever way you look at it, its deceitful. I'm so sorry for you. Hope you manage to sort things out - keep us updated xxxx
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