Friends

[karenmac60]

I've recently become friendly with a guy who comes into my work. I was getting him some info and so took his email address which I used to send him the info. Since then we've been chatting quite a bit by email. It's all above board and we are just friends but I haven't mentioned it to my husband and as a result I feel really guilty and that it looks bad. My ex had a real problem with me having friends and so it led to me having big hang ups and being quite secretive about things like this and I know that's why I haven't mentioned it, but it's been going on a few weeks now and it's quite often since we both have a lot of time on our hands. What do I do? If I mention it now it looks bad - why didn't I say anything before? If I don't say anything then I'm going to carry on feeling guilty. The only other option is to end all communication but since there's nothing in it why should I? Help!
ps I'm going to bed now so I'lll get back to any replies tomorrow - I'm not being rude. Thanks x

[ummmm]

Just tell your husband....It's only been a few weeks. Personally I wouldn't tell my partner about a few emails unless I knew the correspondence was going to continue.

I speak to some men from this site....sometimes on the phone. OH doesn't care less.

[rachael88]

i been with my man for over 5 years and i got lots of male friends who i talk to all the time and i say if he doesnt like it then tuff you are allowed friends and your world doesnt just doesnt involve around him dont be scared to tell him cos as i say theres no love weres theres no trust xx

[ummmm]

I speak to girls as well....

[boxtops]

What is there to tell, karen? You met a colleague through work, you've exchanged some chatty emails. I do this quite often, men and women who I work with (and I am in a service department) email or ring me and we often have a bit of chat alongside the business part of the conversation. I don't see this as being something worth commenting about - unless you feel is getting something more. Can you not fill the time on your hands so you are not tempted to contact him? I suspect your feelings of guilt do relate to your ex's hangups, not your husband's. If you treat it as a daily thing rather than something special, it would look to me like you are keeping it in perspective. Make sure the guy realises you are not available though, it's too easy to give the wrong impression on email! If you confine your emails to the odd lightweight chat, nobody will be upset.

[kia cat]

if you feel this bad about it, then tell him. He doesn't need to know it's been going on a while. Say it's just started. Sure there's nothing else to this?

[karenmac60]

My husband knows him as we both work in the same place and this guy is a customer. There's no flirting, but the guy has a lot of problems and I think he's just lonely - I don't have that many pals myself so I enjoy the chat and I like helping people. I feel sorry for him cos he doesn't seem to have much luck, but maybe I'm also enjoying having a private friendship - like I say I work with my husband and we tend to socialise together so it's nice to have something that's just my own. I just worry that it might look bad and he might get the wrong impression. The guy knows I am married and he's only interested in being friends.

[ummmm]

If you're not doing anything wrong then you have nothing to feel bad about. I don't tell Ginger about every email I send or receive because it's not important.

[karenmac60]

Thanks Ummmm. I know I shouldn't be worrying about it cos it's nothing. When my OH and I got together at first I always felt really weird about having male friends - and these were guys I'd known for years. I'd get quite secretive about being in touch with them and I know it was because of my ex's attitude. I got over that but I've never made a new male friend since I've been with mr mac and I'm amazed how I find myself right back where I used to be with all the guilt and secrecy. It's been 12 years since my ex and I split up, it's amazing how they can screw you up for such a long time isn't it. x

[cherrychapstick]

Just tell your husband ,tell him everything about how you got his email and that ,better to be honest if you don't he might find out and then think there is something going on ,also if you end all contact your hubby may still find out you had been talking to this guy which is going to look even worse ,just sit him down and ask him if he would have a problem with talking to a guy who you have became friends with through work ,he knows your history and will know why you are asking ,if he asks why you hadn't told him before say well you know about**** and how i wasn't allowed to have friends ,i was scared you would feel the same

good luck whatever you decide to do xx

[karenmac60]

Thanks cherry, I think I'l have a talk to him this evening x

[kia cat]

think you're doing the right thing, don't make too big a deal out of it though. Hope all goes well, good luck. x

[karenmac60]

Thanks x

[4getmenot]

just from you putting a post on here and you thinking alot about it and feeling guilty makes me think its not just friends at all. And you have some feelings towards this guy because I emailed loads of clients in my work and occasionally chatted more about things outside of work but never thought about it after work or woried how I should tell my bloke as I knew it was just emails.

[Old_Geezer]

If it'll make you feel better get it off your chest.
Personally I don't have a problem with such things, heck my woman could flirt even if she wanted. But I know some folk can be very insecure about it. Best to get it above board, as it were.

[Eve]

I've always had a lot of male friends but have always been very lucky with exes (well, in the trust department anyway haha).

My work is has always been pretty male dominated and always had male friends though, similarly, I've never had a problem with boyfriends having female friends.

My last ex got in really well with his ex wife and so many people thought that it was wierd I didn't mind but I never had a problem with it and she was always lovely to me too (in fact her and her partner are still on my Facebook while the ex is long gone haha). He also had other female friends who I usually met at some point but never minded him meeting them without me.

I'd find it very hard to be in relationship without that trust and I do feel for you after the way your ex was.

If he knows the guy then why not broach it in the sense that this guy is a bit lonely and so you have been e.mailing him as you've had spare time anyway and it passes the day.

I'd be willing to show him some of the e.mails to prove there is nothing in it.

How is the trust in your relationship generally? I was happy enough to let my ex read txts as they came in or answer my phone and vice versa and we would see each other's e.mail notifications and even reply on each other's msn sometimes, all very open.

As I saw it, I had nothing to hide so maybe honesty is the best approach. If you do find out he is jealous or has an issue (which, to be fair, might be more to do with the other guy than you) then maybe best to find out now.

[karenmac60]

4get, I don't have any feelings other than friendship. I just don't tend to mix and/or be in contact with anyone from work outside of it unless I already know them. It's not really the done thing to get familiar with customers if you only know them as a customer. Jenna, he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body - I don't know why I get myself worked up about things cos he's always fine. It's me over thinking things and my bl00dy ex....

[4getmenot]

really? I have most of my clients on my FB

[karenmac60]

I have a couple of customers on there, but they are friends who I've known for years. Another customer sent me a message on FB which I mentioned and all my colleagues were very against it.

[br21]

If its all innocent and you have nothing to hide.... tell your partner.