can an affair be forgiven and forgotten

[GINGER BIRD]

my partner has been seeing someoen else i kn ow he has although he wont admitit i have concrete evidence. we have spoken about it and have promised each other to forget all of it and move on. but ydo i find it so hard >? every time he sends texts i feel sick to my stomach he is such a good liar . we are trying for a baby and i have got future plans but i still have a niggling at the back of my mind should i take one day at atime? ive asked him if he wants me and he does he just wont admit what he has done we have both cried and i have promised to trust him and give him a bit of rope .i just dont know what to do

[zzxxee]

This happened to me last oct you can move on but it depends on why the affair took place in the ist place
put any baby making plans on hold and talk talk talk !!!!!!

[B00]

Short answer- yes, if you both want to.

[grasscarp]

You can forgive anyone anything, but forgetting is not possible. If you dont trust this person and if they are a good liar you may never be able to do so, then it may be best to rethink a future with him.

[stonekicker]

you shouldn't even contemplate becoming a parent with this bloke if he can't even admit to having the affair - and how can you even begin to talk about things and work them out? this is a two-sided process; he needs to grow some and admit he is in the wrong; and then you can begin to heal things. don't back down and let him brush things under the carpet - it's almost like giving him permission to do as he pleases (even if it hurts you) and that cheating is ok. neither is ok...challenge him x

[ummmm]

Sometimes they say an affair can make the marriage stronger as it makes you deal with any problems...

Personally.....nope, he'd be out the door. It's something I will never forgive. For the simple fact that I want to live my life feeling secure. You can never feel that with someone who cheats. I don't check his phone, I don't check his pockets, I don't ask him where he's going or what time he will be back (i do really but only cos I'm nosey) and I want it to stay like that way....he's the same with me.

[andy-hughes]

If you are having doubts of this level, then you should stop trying for a baby - NOW.

You need to think through how you feel about what has happened, and whether you really can move on from this to a future together based on trust,

The fact that your partner is refusing to face up to his affair, and deal with it in a mature way rings loud long alarm bells.

It means he is immature, and unwilling to deal with issues - which does not bode well for raising children. It also raises serious questions about his willingness to address his actions in terms of their short and long-term effect on you, and your relationship with him.

You need to be far more sure of him and your future together before you even think of bringing a baby into the equation.

For a couple in a stable relationship with a deep bond and mutual respect and trust, a baby is just bloody hard work!

For a couple without these fundamental basics in their reletionship, a baby spells disaster - for you, wo may well be left to care for your child without your partner.

Suggest counselling for both of you - and if her refuses, you should seriously start thinking about whether you really have a future with this man, and from here, the signs do not look promising.

Take things a day at a time. Talk it through with professional help, and then decide if you want to try and rebuild your relationship.

When - and indeed if - you get to that stage, you can think about having a child together. if you are imagining that a baby will 'bond' you together, be assured it will have the opposite effect, and non-one least of all a baby, dserves that start in life.

You have some thinking, and talking to do - that is your priority, and sex without contraception is simply not an option.

Good luck.

[zzxxee]

well said andy
i would heed these words gingerbird if i were you xx

[Sqad]

Not to go into human emotions and to answer your question......YES.

Look at the number of famous people who have had affairs and their marriage is still intact and just think of the ordinary people who have intact marriages following affairs.

Of course it can.....where there is a will, there is a way.

[ummmm]

To the letter...!!!

[LoftyLottie]

I agree with Sqad actually (don't faint Sqad). It can be forgiven, but not forgetten though and it always leaves doubts. But in any strong relationship so end of things can go wrong, money problems, affairs, etc. things that rock the boat. I am not saying that I think it's OK to have affairs, because I don't believe it is, but I have seen a lot of marriages survive them.

[Garmard]

I think a majority of relationships are tainted by affairs, like all things relationship wise it is always a gamble. If you have any doubts about your partner you should sit down and talk and if all else fails...........

[Sqad]

With due respect to Andy....the question was "Can an Affair be forgiven and forgotten?"

Babies, contraception, partners attitude is irrelevant to the question...in my opinion.

[Nosha123]

forgiven yes.. forgotten .. no...
And I agree with other posters.. forget the baby idea.. as nice as it may sound to you.. this is no honest stable relationship to bring a kid into..
Your relationship will change beyond recognition with the pressures a baby will bring.. so it has to be strong in the first place to stand a chance...
Unless of course the Single mum life appeals to you!
Move on.. you deserve better!
If you and he cannot even get the basics right (as in relationships and values and mutual respect)... forget it. he clearly doesnt respect you

[Greedyfly]

As said before I think you can forgive an affair but it is really hard forgetting it. I honestly believe that forgivness is instant (you either do or you don't), its not something you 'try' to do. When something similar happened to me, I knew instantly that our relationship meant to much to throw away. Although saying that he was given a sharp warning that if it ever happened again that was it (and it never has since). Forgetting is the hard part but for me it tied into the forgiving. I forgave him and never questioned where he was or what hes up to because I believe he was truly sorry for what he had done. I think this is an answer everyone knows in the heart instantly, you either do or you don't. It hurts like hell though either way!

[Sqad]

I agree with Lofty who agrees with me.......an affair can be forgiven, but not forgotten and it may or may not leave doubt.
Remember, infidelity among men and women is a common and human failing and surely it is a "holier than though" attitude to take when succumbing to a "human failing"

I just wonder how many single women or men are still single. by reacting in a knee jerk manner to a partners indiscretion and now regret it.

[stonekicker]

squad - i think what you're saying makes sense, but the real issue for me here is that he won't admit what he's done in the face of evidence to the contrary and will not discuss it. how can something like that be forgiven, forgotten or even dealt with in such circumstances? i think the least he owes her is an admission, an apology and then constructive discussion. without any of these, i reckon ginger bird is onto a loser...x

[andy-hughes]

Thanks sqad - but it's the context of the Question that led to my response.

it is perfectly apparent to all mature individuals that an affair can be forgiven and / or forgotten - but it depends entirely on the individuals concerned.

the fact that Ginger Bird is posting on here makes it very obvious to me that she is doing neither, and the individual circumstances - especially trying for a baby - lead me to advise her to think very very seriously before deciding if a baby is going to be enjoyed by a loving trusting couple of parents, when clearly she is far from being one half of that equation, and by his evasion and immaturity - so is her parnter.

[Sqad]

Andy...I take your point but disagree with your interpretation of the question.

///it is perfectly apparent to all mature individuals that an affair can be forgiven and / or forgotten - but it depends entirely on the individuals concerned. //

Idon't agree and that is why she is asking the question.

[4getmenot]

you say 'seeing' rather than he cheated, so that to me says it all. I myself could not foret or even forgive. I know someone who is with a bloke that has cheated on her so many times, theye are about to have their first child together and he was even cheating on her when she got pregnant, and told his 'lover' that he couldnt give her a definite answer about if he'd leave his girlfriend because 'the baby may no survive' he sees different girls and there is no doubt in my mind that he is still ceating on her. Thing is everyone knows but no one will tell the girl and he will always get away with it. Sorry but I think you should get shot and there is no way I would be thinking about trying for a baby if I'd just had that news. You will never be able to trust this man again.

[brenda]

Everyone is very different in the way they live their lives,and in the way they can forgive and forget--or not.You say your partner is a good liar, and will not admit his wrong doing.If you can live together with that knowledge ,then it is your life.If you can't live with that knowledge then walk away, preferably before you become pregnant.
Decisions are much harder to make when a child is involved.Best of luck.