Heartbroken

[Living-in-Hope]

I have been having a relationship with a chap for a year. He is in an unhappy marriage and I think deep down I have been hoping for something more to develop but it hasn't. Foolish, I know but I have feelings for him which I can't just turn off.

We couldn't see each other often, but kept in touch by email and text daily until April when he found out one of his close family members was terminally ill. Obviously this is terrible news for anyone to hear and soon after he lost his job and was very down. Contact with him became more and more sporadic but I offered a shoulder, sympathy and said I would be here for him when he was ready. He said he appreciated that and didn't want to say "never again" but because of the situation with his relative and job, his mind was all over the place, he could not think about anything "romantic" and he could not say when/if we could meet up.

I have now had no contact from him for 2 weeks and whilst I have every sympathy for the awful things going on in his life, I have my life too and I have been so sad not hearing from him. I know he would never consider a "proper" relationship with me and that I have been, in effect "on tap" for him, always on his terms and whenever he has felt like it. Therefore I decided for my own sanity and dignity that cutting ties would be best , so I deleted all his emails, texts etc and then went to delete him from my MSN contacts.

I noticed that just a couple of days previous, he had joined the network of a woman who's rather revealing profile picture and list of her own contacts left me in no doubt as to the kind of "friend" she would be. I feel completely gutted. He's clearly "in the mood" again, but not with me, yet he hasn't the decency to tell me. I know I'm better off without him, he's clearly a player, a user, but how do I stop it from hurting so much??

[China Doll]

You don't stop it from hurting. You just crack on with your life, do things you'd normally do, find pleasure in things you always found pleasure in and eventually it stops hurting.

[joeluke]

You've been used, forget him and move on

[4getmenot]

You cant stop it from hurting but you need to be strong. You are halfway there by realising it isnt going anywhere that he was using you when he wanted. You did the best thing deleting his number emails etc. Dont go back, look ahead and find someone that will treat you better.

[redman41]

All married Men will tell you that they are in an unhappy Marriage as a bit on the 'side' is very welcome.
Find a decent single guy and move on with your life.....

[Living-in-Hope]

Thank you for your responses.

I would dearly love to meet a decent single man, but it's so difficult. I've tried dating websites and my social life is not brilliant due to financial constraints etc. I've been told I'm a great gal and I should have no difficulty, yet I've been single for years now, apart from this, can't really even call it a relationship, over the last year.

At my age (42) I'm beginning to think a normal, loving relationship is an impossibility for me.

[4getmenot]

but is this man the reason you have been single? Have you had offers but declined because 'you are seeing someone' ?

[redman41]

At the age of 42 you are in your prime L-I-H. Dating sites and Dating Agencies are Hit and Miss affairs, but there are decent Men out there just waiting to be found.
Someone will come into your life eventually so don't give up hope...

[China Doll]

These things work out eventually, I was single for years before I met the current man hostage who apart from being a sarky, slightly evil sod is lovely. However I never had a problem being single and wasn't on the lookout for a boyfriend which I think can be terribly off putting for men and it's definitely noticeable regardless of well hidden a lady tries to keep it.

[Living-in-Hope]

Hi 4getmenot - no, I haven't had offers. As I said, due to financial constraints, nights out are not a regular thing for me and to be honest, I'm not the most self-confident woman - I never have been, although over the last year I have lost 5 stone in weight so felt happier with my appearance and felt ready for some kind of relationship again hence the dating website which was a big disappointment. My own social circle is fairly small and I'm not the type to go joining some kind of activity group etc - I'd find it far too daunting.

It's just difficult to know where to go from here. I lost my very best friend to cancer quite recently and used to confide in her all the time, so this chap has been very important to me, albeit for misguided and wrong reasons.

I just feel I have nobody and an never going to have.

[Living-in-Hope]

Hi China Doll - I understand entirely what you're saying but I am so dignified and not at all desperate looking you would not believe it lol. I've never gone out on a mission as such but just having been on my own for 9 years, thought it would be nice to take a chance on a romantic relationship but unfortunately, met the wrong guy.

[ooh-la-la]

ow sweetie i really feel for you, he sounds like a idiot. I think the best thing you can do is go and get a new haircut, facial and a sexy outfit. It will make you feel so much better about your self, and give you a confidance that men will love. I know it's easyier to say than to do but try not to "look for love" i found my last boyfiend when i wasn't looking and my best friend meet someone by just making a comment about all the chocolate a guy was buying at a supermarket check out! Don't give up hope, my mum has just turned 50 and she ment someone lovely a year ago after spending 15 years being single. Keep you chain up sweetie xx

[Living-in-Hope]

Dear ooh-la-la - thank you for your kind words - I do try to remain optimistic. I know this guy is no good for me - he's just having his cake and eating it isn't he? I take heart from what you say and hope that I can be as happy as you, your mum and your friend xx

[tamborine]

that's karma - you cheated with him, now he's cheating on you

[Living-in-Hope]

Tambourine - I know - I deserve everything I get

[coccinelle]

I have a (male) friend who became single after a divorce and got to see the kids every fortnight for the weekend. He was always thinking of places to take them to entertain them and one Sunday afternoon went along to the cinema and couldn't believe his eyes; the cinema was full of like-minded (presumably) single fathers! Could be one way of meeting Mr Right????????

[cazzz1975]

you know, you finding this out about him is a blessing in disguise, you can cut your ties with this man, he was already cheating on his wife so I am not surprised he is still shopping about.

I hope you find a decent guy to, in the meantime work on your own self confidence, for a lot of guys being happy in ones own skin is an attractive trait, however small your social circle try using it to get out and about, you will be surprised how you can meet people. meeting people will do your confidence no end of good

[Living-in-Hope]

Thanks Coccinelle and Cazzz1975. I'm sure in good time all this excellent advice will really kick in - still quite raw at the moment. It's down to me to make the effort and I really want to. Got to be some wheat among the chaffe I hope xx

[Living-in-Hope]

Redman - thanks - I keep reading all these positive comments about staying strong and how I will find someone decent. It helps xx

[Bobbisox]

L.I.H
You meet someone when you least expect to, y'know, the best laid plans never work out anyway, could be in a supermarket car-park, a park , anywhere...
He has used you so feel raw , it's a big wide world out there, go grab some of the action, I wish you well, and you know what they say about cheaters?
I feel sorry for the blokes wife, he seems a serial womanizer!
Good luck
Bobbi

[Living-in-Hope]

Bobbisox - thanks for your encouraging words also. I've never been very good with relationships and this was my first foray back into things in 9 years and I got it badly wrong clearly. Once a cheater, always a cheater - as you wisely say - I just hoped that he thought more of me than that. One minute I feel quite positive, the next I have a huge lump in my throat - it's just a case of time isn't it? xx