partners not 'putting out'

[Snafu03]

recently read in the paper about a man who killed his wife because she'd refused him sex for 2 years. An extreme example to say the least but the cause of it was the ongoing sexual neglect inflicting on him by someone who was no doubt happy to enjoy the security of a relationship with him but not have any physical feelings for him (thats 'in my opinion')

The disparity between what couples view as 'often enough' sex is hardly uncommon. I know of alot of male friends of mine who are resentful of wifes/partners not putting out enough. No doubt there are equal amounts of men who arent showing their wives enough attention in that department as well.

But if the frustation of sexual neglect would be enough to tempt you into cheating, you are always going to be in the wrong and jeopardise your marriage, family and house. Is denying a partner their sexual needs fair? There is always an underlying reason why one partner doesnt want to participate (its not you its me etc etc) Fair enough, but does that partner not realise that an outlet has to be provided for their other half who still has the urge?

Its something couples have to work with I guess. But if one partner is happy with every other aspect of the relationship are they going to want to fix something they're not really bothered with? Talking it through will more than likely lead to resentment and creating a sexual taboo between the couple; this is because it should come naturally and not need to be discussed.

[boxtops]

I'm reading this thread with some interest. There is an underlying (although not exclusive) feeling on some people's replies that the man needs to be kept "interested" by the woman doing her marital duty. Suppose it's the woman with a high sex drive, and it's the bloke who is perfectly able but just doesn't feel the need? Snafu's description of "sexual neglect" is interesting, I've never thought that anyone who doesn't want sex is neglectful, just it's not a driving force for them, other physical contact of a lesser nature is just as important.

[Greedyfly]

I have never once said I would expect my other half to stay celibate. My point is and always will be that sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. Yes it can be for some people and obviously some people feel they need it rather than want it but if that is what defines your relationship and whether or not it will survive/work then you surely have some problems?!

[karenmac60]

Maslow's hierarchy of needs identifies sex along with breathing, food, water, sleep, homeostasis and excretion as the 7 basic needs of man. I am interested in everyone's statements that although they enjoy sex, they don't need it and would happily do without for the sake of the relationship. Have any of you ever actually been in that situation or is it all theoretical? I think that sex, like money, is only regarded as unimportant by those who've never had to do without.

[Greedyfly]

I have been in this situation and I could live without it.

[karenmac60]

But you are no longer in that situation, either because you worked the problem out or because the relationship ended. If it ended, can you say unreservedly that the lack of sex was absolutely not an issue?

[Sqad]

cazz....erectile dysfunction is treatable.

karen \\\.I am interested in everyone's statements that although they enjoy sex, they don't need it \\\

Everyones statement? Most men NEED sex and that includes me.

[ttfn]

Sqad - I believe that should read 'mankind' if, indeed, we are talking essentials

[ummmm]

Tambo....what's shocking about making an effort?

Sometimes we can become complacent...sometimes life puts you off (stress etc) so you make an effort. If we haven't had a chance for real alone time we give the kids some money and send them into town....then we have a few hours on a Saturday afternoon.

Neither of us would ever expect the other to put out if we didn't want to.

Sex isn't really connected to love in this house though...regardless of how often we're doing it we are always kissing and cuddling.

[karenmac60]

Sqad - when I said everyone, I meant everyone who had made that statement. I obviously wasn't including those who hadn't made the claim. You really are a picky so and so sometimes - I was arguing the same point as you, that it is a basic need, and not just for men.

[gonzo00]

am in this exact situation right now. i have been "neglected" for a year now and i don't mind telling you it's putting a very great strain on every other aspect of my life. basicly, i'm as horny as a dog with two d**ks! only made worse by the fact that my partner refuses to even talk about the subject.