Should I Feel Guilty(I do).

[Invictas]

In 1971 (bear with me it's quite short) I went to work for a new company,worked with another woman who I got on VERY well with.Eventually she became my best friend.
In 2009,we fell out(her fault,REALLY)
Since then I have not been in contact with her at all.
Now a mutual friend tells me that she died quickly from a cancer illness.
Well, as you can imagine I am am shattered.
Should I feel guilty (I do).
I know that I cannot turn the clock back, and believe me although we got along very well she was not the easiest of friends to have,I do still feel bad that I wasn't there for her in her hour of need so to speak.
I can live with this,but I need advice on how to come to terms with my guilt feelings.
Any suggestions?

[DTCwordfan]

How well did you know her family

Lead the set up and drive for a charity fund in her name for her hospital or hospice.

[Invictas]

DT Sadly she was (like me) single and on her own,which is why we clicked so well.
It's a nice suggestion,but really I wanted to know how to come to terms with how I feel that I have let her down.

[starone]

Invictas, I quarrelled with my brother when I was young. He died before we could make up I vowed then that I would never quarrel with anyone again - have disagreements yes, but quarrel, never. You will never get rid of the guilt, it lives with me now, but at least I made sure it never happened again. The quarrel was in fact his fault, but that is never the point.

[society]

That's why 'they' say life is too short, make the best of every moment.

I think you are feeling a sense of loss and remorse because you were once friends with this person, and now a bit sad too as you all didn't 'make-up' and now it's too late.

If it's any comfort sorry for the loss of you ex-friend.

[McMouse]

Why didn't the mutual friend let you know she was ill?

[Sqad]

Guilt.!..GUILT!...she dies of cancer and you feel GUILT.....why?

You cannot paper over all the cracks in the wall of life.

Move on.

[Invictas]

pixi and Starbuck,
It's bad enough with a friend,but with a family member must be almost unbearable?
I am difficult Starbuck,because it I disagree with someone (really badly) and we fall out I just cut them out of my life.I can't change now(too old and set in my selfish ways),I just hope the guilt feeling will get less.

[~Wingnut~]

Hi Invictas,
Sorry to hear about your friend. I would say your probably still in shock over hearing the news so need to give yourself time. Plus it's natural to feel this way if you parted on bad terms, but did you really ever expect to become friends again? If she had wanted you there or wanted to make amends she would have got in touch, you weren't to know, this isn't anything to feel guilty about.
You could donate some money to a cancer charity in her name or to the place that looked after her in her final hours maybe if you wanted to feel like you were doing something positive for her.

On coming to terms with it, I think you just need time xx

[happyone2]

I think your last message is the telling one...............and i wonder if you feel that perhaps the breakdown in your friendship, whilst being as you say "her fault REALLY" that perhaps if you had not "cut them out of your life " there might have been an opportunity to repair and forgive whatever upset you so badly.

You say youve always done this , that you cant change now because you are too old, but we are never too old to acknowledge that there may be something in our character that could do with amending......................perhaps it took your friends death ( if she had wanted to make it up she would have contacted you, so telling that she didtn )

I believe your guilt is because you feel you could have done more to resolve the argument that caused the rift and if you can acknowldege that this might be the reason then the next step is to accept your shortcomings and ensure that when possible it doesnt happen again.

if you learn this lesson and arent so judgemental when you perceive a wrong has been done by another person towards you, her death will not have been in vain.

Good luck

[beso]

She may have been acting weird because of the cancer whether she knew it or not. You were not to know. It wasn't your fault.

Some people shut out those closest to them when in distress because they don't want to burden them.

[Brinjal]

My Mum had clinical depression especially after my dad died. I live in Zimbabwe she lived in New Zealand. I always went home every year. Mum went into a home as my brother worked and there was noone to keep an eye on her. On her own she wouldnt eat. She also had all these pains and ailments real,or not??? Anyway I was home aon a visit and was picking Mum up everyday couple of days and bringing her to my brohers place for lunch. Then the one day she started screaming in the car, performing that she wa sin pain couldnt sit in the car. I had my daughter in the car and she stsrted to cry so I turned roud took mum back to the home. I was angry because she was out of control and I thought she should have just settled down. Anyway she phoned later i the evening to apologise. I wouldnt talk to her, I returned to Zim the next day. For various reasons I didnt manage to make a trip back to NZ for 3 years. I didnot talk to my mum in that time a she died suddenly. I felt so bad and still do but I feel she knows I loved her dearly. And console myself with that

[Purple_Popple]

It's this damn PRIDE thing again.....why do we do this to ourselves??? I haven't spoken with my sister in over 4 years...something i did, I also apologised profusely, but this has made no difference, I gave an olive branch, so no more i can do, then there is my brother who due to a relationship break up is now not talking to me...this has been 3 months now...for goodness sake, i have told him life is too short for this nonsense...but he continues to be juvenile. i give up.

[happyone2]

purple man,

dont give up............please............... all this is to do with the ability to communicate, perhaps it is not possible to make it up, perhaps it is...................... but only you will know in your heart of hearts that you have made the space that enables you and them to forgive whatever has been said or done that has created the problem

dont judge him for being juvenile, perhaps your seemilingly adult stnace may be / is inappropriate and makes him feel annoyed.................. pehaps you are pompous, perhaps he is childish......................... it doesnt matter

to accept another regardless of what they are, is the key................if you accept someone for what they are and not what you want them to be is to love them unconditionally............... to not be hurt by what they do, but to be secure in ones self to be able to hold their inadequacy without being affected by it.

one is only affected by another when one is not strong in self................... othwewise we can forgive , forget and truly love

hope i made this clear !!!

[arwyn]

invictas could you take flowers to the grave and have a chat (so to speak) in you'r head to her? you might feel better.

[Invictas]

Thanks for the idea arwyn,but (like many people today) she was cremated,and (as yet) I don't have any idea where she was scattered.

[LDC134]

Hi Invictas, I know I am a bit late to post on here, but one thing which might help with your feelings is to turn the entire episode on its head - what if you had done the really bad thing and then been diagnosed with cancer - would you have contacted her to make up ? And if not, would you want her to feel guilty after you died when you had decided not to make the contact ? I think you are being too hard on yourself.