Husband Doesn't Know Whether to Leave, All Very Confusing ...

[buffymad]

I'll try and keep this short so I dont run out of space but feel free to ask questions.

I've been with my husband for 22 years (nearly) who I love very much and vice versa. We've had bad arguments on and off for a year and a half (with a very happy 5 or 6 months in between). All to do with another woman being over friendly, texting all the time and sending flirty texts (he knows now he should have put a stop to it sooner but at the time didnt see anything wrong coz as far as he was concerned, it meant nothing to him). It changed me and it changed him and I've kept some of the bad traits from all that - suspicious, questioning, tone of voice etc.

I've always thought everything was fine, we always seemed to bounce back but apparently he's been unhappy for a long time (coz of all the arguments). Brought to a head after xmas when he went very quiet on me. I was started all the conversations and being bright and bubbly, struggled to get anything back. He had a day off and went off to think. Came back and said he was so unhappy, couldnt see any way forward but to possibly split up.

This was a bolt out of the blue for me. I was devastated. He was shocked this had never crossed my mind before. He said he needed to think. He talked to a few people and actually said he wasnt going anywhere and would "try" while he was thinking. Seemed to be okay on and off but obviously I was really upset and kept talking to/at him, trying to convince him to stay.

Hold on, more to come ...

[WELSHYORKIE]

Buffy, this might sound a bit daft, but have you tried sending him flirty texts? Maybe, as has been said before, it's the thought of being chased after that is stirring up these 'feelings' for this other woman. Maybe if you were to start sending him sexy messages it may re-ignite something. Do you have kids? Could you go away together for a week on your own - a second honeymoon possibly - but get him to either leave his phone at home or change his number? I do hope everything works out for you.

[buffymad]

Have sent the odd flirty text which worked (ahem!). Trouble was usually he'd say no reason to text me coz he'd speak to me at home! Didn't see the point (which didnt go down well with me considering ...).

So you reckon 3 months to give him? Good god, can I last that long without being ill?!

I know what you mean though, I should have a big say in this too. Wanted to say I need an answer by such and such a date but thought that might backfire.

Oh yeah, you'll all love this one. "She" offered him a room to stay at hers - no strings of course! I said so you're telling me she wouldnt try and have a relationship with you while you were there? I think bloody not!!

If he went with her or stayed with her I think thats it. Trust gone and probably wouldnt get it back.

If we did stay together (and I allowed him, haha), there'd need to be some serious talking done beforehand and promises made. Dont worry, I wouldnt back down and be a doormat.

Although I want him back and find a life on my own quite terrifying and sad after all this time, I couldnt live doing everything his way. He said I should stand up to him more - but I started doing that with the first problem and thats when the arguing started. Confused.com or what!!

No kids, just us 2 and animals. His work takes over (he loves it) and everything goes by the by (which I've mentioned to him plenty of times). He always reckoned I was at the top of his list but never showed any proof of that!!

[tigwig]

Do you know I think you deserve better. I cant imagine my husband doing that and even though apparently nothing has happened in my opinion it has. The trust has gone and there is obviously something missing in your relationship. As hard as it is I think you should now do nothing and try and get on with your life. Wait for him to make the next move and if he does he will need to come to counselling with you. I wouldnt chase him anymore and I wouldnt have any more contact with the other woman. To me it sounds like they deserve each other.

[brenda]

buffy----- you are not going to like this ----- but I think it is all over .I think your OH is a cake and eat it man,get organised , get rid . Start again -- you can you know.
Being on your own is not that bad you know really .You are worth so much more than this sort of pain . You have been fortunate to have had a lot of good years, you can have those again but not with him.

[DTCwordfan]

I think Brenda may be right (and I am a male).....and the comments about mid life crisis and all that may be right......and as they say every 7 years or so there is an itch - usually coinciding with changes at home (kids leaving for example at 22/22 years of marriage).

He is very much his own man and complex - your comments effectively - does he have a close male friend or even a female friend that could take him to one side and have a chat with him - on a non-threatening basis.....

Also the power of writing can be good as in a letter or long e-mail.And it allows you to carefully think and ponder about what you have written before it goes over. Think about and list the positives and, yes, outline the negatives too........

If you get through this, it sounds like a few days away may be a good idea to be on neutral ground and also to help define the future as to yourselves, sex etc and family......

[arwyn]

Has anyone been through this you ask yes I have except ours was 14 years married for 10 of them.
It was 14 years ago so I can now see it all clear.. I'v never read any of you'r earlier post about this as I'm a newby on here. I have so much to say to you but I type slowwww so I'll try to stick to the main bits of help I hope I can give, but feel free to ask me anything as I have sooo been there.
Men are so flattered by attention from other woman then the argueing makes the grass seem greener.
You have the upper hand to me in a way as I never knew she excisted, I only knew he had changed as she was really stawking him, she even had turned up at the same hotel in the same country as us while we were on holiday (I never knew at the time). he was so stressed and snappy and after a while I left him to then find out about her.
She was younger and prettyier than me so he was so flattered but he would never agree to a divorce as he was just seeing how things were going not that he ever addmitted this.
You have to stop and ask yourself alot of questions-
Do you still love him?
Is he worth fighting for?
Is it worth another try?
IF SO GO FOR IT AND GIVE IT ALL YOU'V GOT.
Talk to her ask her the things you'v asked him and see of the stories are the same.
MMM this one is hard but try to stay carm. I could still kill the girl that I'm on about ha ha but you have to stay carm.
I hope this helps xx

[buffymad]

Well I always say everything changed when he started his new job/career. It definitely changed him as a person but that didn't seem particularly bad for the first year or so. Easy to see now we got into a rut, did the same things day in day out and were never really apart from each other. Now I see that that would have been good things to do.

Still trying to keep my distance but obviously wondering what on earth he's thinking about etc and what's going on. Its going to come to a point where I think enough is enough and want an answer, I can't sit around forever!

Got no kids so thats nothing to do with anything! Always just been the 2 of us (plus various animals).

Do I still want him? Yes, without a doubt. Will I still trust him if he comes back - well, thats a big old talk we'd have to have I think! We both need to prove we seriously want this to work otherwise no point.

Arwyn - oh yes, I could still kill this one too! Thoughts of revenge are quite funny when you go through them! But everyone says keep your dignity. Hmm, well I am for now but should he go for her then there might be one or 2 things I can do ... don't worry, nothing bad or against the law but would be disruptive shall we say, tee hee!!

Felt better last night coz my friend reminded me how good a person I am - and managed to watch tv without thinking about anything else!! Wowee!!

[arwyn]

buffy I still get upset now just for the fact of how stupid I was to not see what was going on, but you have just made me laugh talking about revenge, I'm laughing while I type this because I remember having no money but asking people where I could find a hit man. I left our home and got a new home I would ask anyone, I remember a joiner coming to do windows and he lived beside them and I was like a mad woman saying "come on come you must know someone" lol EEEE it's a wonder I was'nt locked up ha ha, I'm so shy normally lol.
What ever the out come is going to be, a long road is ahead for you, you will only make you'r self ill. You have to try to keep it together. It was my hubby changing jobs that started it, she worked there.
Would writing all you'r feelings in a letter help you as you say you end up crying when you talk? tell him to write back. It might be worth ago..

[mazie]

Hi buffy. some great advice on here from othe ABers. If it was me I would make sure he didn't have his cake and eat it. He wants space yet he calls you everyday, believes you still love him and would take him back, why let that happen. I would speak to him and say you have your space, 3 months worth of it BUT in that time, I wont be speaking to you at all and after 3 months I'm going to start divorce proceedings. Put the ball in his court and see what happens. At the moment you are making it too easy for him. Say it and mean it. You would need to be strong and find other things to do but it would soon make him decide what he really wanted.

[buffymad]

Arwyn - I'm absolutely wetting myself now with the hit man thing coz that's what I said. Brilliant!!! Oh yeah had the visions of paying someone to knock her over in a car with false number plates etc. Great fun isn't it!! Yes, going to write a letter with a lot of things in about change on both sides and what I want etc. So that he knows there needs to be a hell of a shift. This was his change in career, he loved it and it was all meant to go great after that - sods law!

Mazie - very good words there. I do feel like I make it easy for him and would love to put my foot down. But a bit scared that will make him make a snap decision. I've phoned him as well as vice versa mind. I just find it so hard not to speak to him (after him being there every day for 22 years). But I like what you say - maybe I should put that in the letter too.

Apparently he was reading an article on anger management & said it was like reading about himself. Knows he's got a problem but won't do anything about it. Sometimes wonder if he suffers from depression the way he goes on ...

[boxtops]

I've not been in the same situation but something like - and i found it essential that there was no contact during that "thinking" period. None at all. you can't get your own head clear if he's still texting and phoning you, he's not clearing his own head either. Be firm, tell him a break is a break. You may find that you - and he- see the whole thing much more clearly in a few weeks' time. If you both decide that you want to give it another go, then good luck to you - but you might not, you might both decide to go your separate ways. Don't hang on in there just for the sake of it. It won't be easy, but it's worth the effort.

[arwyn]

buffy thats sound good, I also thought mazie's was a good reply as when I read it I said to myself "I wish I'd known her at the time lol".
My hubby was so stressed and depressed he had days he would refuse to get out of bed as she was stalking him and he was seeing her, but I never knew this I just thought he is depressed and would'nt go to a doctor. It all got so bad I had no choice but to leave as we had a son it was'nt good for him to see it.
But after I left he made a remarkable recovery and he said "I feel great now you'v gone, no more arguements it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders" CHEEKY BARSTEWART LOL'.
Good luck with the letter, I'll follow this and if I can help I will. Feel free to ignore me if I'm talking sh1t lol.

[boxtops]

If you fancy a laugh (and this is true) - when my husband and I split up, he bought a parrot.....

[arwyn]

And what boxtops said, as I ment to write that ha ha.
No man I never lol but it a good idea.

[arwyn]

boxtops am pis3in myself thats the best I'v heard

[buffymad]

Haha, am absolutely loving it!! You've cheered me up big time girls!! Will let you know of any developments ...

[mazie]

That just made me laugh out loud boxy...

Hi buffy I know it's hard but in my opinion it's the only way. I had to do it myself a few years back and it's the only way we managed to sort things out. We sorted it in the end but I was away for 6 months (it was a bit scary at first but I coped). When I went back he was a different person, he knew then he didn't pull all the strings in our relationship. Made me a lot stronger as well. As I said earlier, good luck and keep us posted. xxx

[buffymad]

Well for anyone who's still listening, the latest update is he's gone for good, didn't want to come back to me. He's still confused but needs to stay away to sort his head out. And as he couldn't cope round his mams, felt he was in the way, he's moving into HER spare room. I'd laugh hysterically if I wasn't crying. He's feeling very weird, sad and guilty. I thought he'd feel relieved. Said he could be making a mistake big time but he doesn't know if he doesn't do it.

Also said to leave the finances the way they are for a while (I pay some stuff, he pays other stuff). What happens though in the future? What would he be entitled to? Worked out how much extra I'd have to find if I took over his payments and would leave me with very little to live on. House needs doing up etc. Would I need to buy him out? Really couldn't afford to remortgage on top of new payments. And if the house was to be sold I doubt I could find anywhere for what I'd get. We got a small mortgage ages ago so any new one would be much more a month.

Any suggestions as to where I stand? I don't think he's vicious enough to take me to the cleaners. But if the Big D word is mentioned then what happens then? I earn a lot more than him (he's on min wage), would I be expected to provide for him?

Help!!

[boxtops]

Buffy, go see a solicitor, set your affairs in order. You need - at the least - a formal separation order. This is what happened when my husband and I split, it meant that it was very clearly laid out who owned what, who was paying for what - there is then no argument in the future. Sadly you have to formalise these things, in your own interests, and will help to answer some of your questions about the future. Do it this week, don't let it drag on. You need to secure your financial position, now. Good luck ;-)

[DTCwordfan]

Do you have any legal-beagle friends to talk this through with (to avoid charges).....? You need to get the info for just in case.....

Any chance of letting a room out for example to help on finances, there are all sorts of routes.

The basic principle in the Big D is equity between the parties.......however that divides. House/Savings/Debts - personal gifts exempt which usually favours the woman's side re jewellery etc. as well as exempt on legacies.

I have a funny suspicion that he may be back grovelling and you need to think through your terms of acceptance inc "never pull this one again or you are out" as it is playing with your emotions and, ultimately, your sanity.